I'm not convinced that true love exists. I want to believe it. But I've only felt it briefly, and even then I'm still not sure what it was. The reason I fail to convince myself can be blamed on movies. The kind of movie where someone travels across the country to say they are sorry. To get their love back, for whatever reason. The kind of movie where that person is the only person you can think about and it either ruins your day or makes it based on the situation. Where you are only thinking about them and they are only thinking about you. I want that. But, since I don't believe I have ever felt it, I don't believe it exists. Love, after all, is intangible. A man-made word to describe a feeling that cannot be described with the exception of said word. What is love? There are definitions, of course, but none come close to my own description, cannot be put into words.

I don't completely negate the fact that this feeling exists. I have felt love between family. I would lose everything I had to help my brother through anything. I would give up myself for a chance to better his life. I would drive hours away to pick him up if he was in a jam. Same feeling for my parents who have done more for me than I can ever ask. I can't even thank them because words would not bring any justice. The only way to describe it is love. But can you prove something intangible really exists?

I see people that say they are in love. I do not believe them. Well...most of them. In my pessimistic state, I look at it as settling. I don't want to settle. I've seen people get married so quickly because they say it was love at first sight. Was it? Or were you just lonely? Are you just afraid of ending up alone? This is what we're supposed to do. We've finished college, now we get married before we get too old. I then see these marriages (not all of them) end just years later. How am I supposed to believe in love when the divorce rate is so high? How am I supposed to know that I will feel this one day? What if the people that work out do so because they settle with things and make it work just because it's what you're supposed to do? The biggest question I have...why is my best example of love something scripted, acted out, and filmed? It's not even real, but I feel like it exists in that circumstance more than in my own reality.

Some might see my attitude as pessimism and a lack of faith, but I see it as asking questions. I see it as looking at life with open eyes. That term is always related to happiness and finding things that better yourself. But that's not always the case. I hope I prove myself wrong. I really do. I hope I will love someone to the point where I'll drive 5 hours to watch a movie, then drive back and go to work with no sleep. I hope I find someone that I can stay up all night with watching infomercials and be the happiest I've ever been. Through my eyes now, I won't. But maybe. Just maybe I will. There is a small bit of hope in me. I need Tim Tebow to give me a pep talk.


No comments: