A Machine Where My Heart Once Was...

I am still baffled by this whole "dating" thing. Either I'm the only one who understands it, or I'm the only one that doesn't. Sheesh. Girls be cray. Just kidding. Nothing crazy has happened. And no particular girl has been crazy. Just thought I would let that be known. So maybe I need somebody to explain it to me. Here's how I feel right now. Let me preface this by saying I've felt this for about 5 years now and no particular incident is the brunt of this post. I feel like I can't even begin to wonder if I really like a girl or not without breaking her heart if I don't. And that scares the hell out of me. Because I hate it. I want to be a good guy. I really do. But in order for me to get to know a female, I must spend time with her. And when I spend time with her, she is going to think things are going farther than I do because that's naturally how the female mind works. All this assuming she is indeed attracted to me in some way. Problem is, I don't know when the cutoff is. When is the point where you are supposed to know? Are you supposed to know right away? Does it take a while? How long is a while?

I think I got messed up in high school. I dated a girl from when I started until the end of my first year of college. I never learned how to properly date a girl because I didn't have to. My normal life philosophy is "just go with it" but that doesn't work. But the thing I hate the most, setting a line or a specific point, doesn't work either. Because I don't know where that line is. I want to end up with the girl that is perfect for me. Not a girl that works. Not a girl I can deal with. She has to be perfect. Because if she's not, I'd rather just stay single my whole life. Sometimes it takes a little while for me to figure that out. Sometimes, longer than others. Sometimes, too long. And that's when I look like the bad guy.

So please, girl out there that's right for me. I need you to come find me. And tell me not to worry about breaking you heart later because it won't happen. And if it does, you won't mind it and you will completely understand. For now, I'm just going to grow a mustache or something so I don't attract females. I don't think I can handle the pressure. Gotta turn that swag down. Maybe I just need a girl to break my heart again.


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