So here's my number

It's been a while. Mostly due to a water damaged MacBook Pro. I have no keyboard. And to be nice, using blogspot via iPhone is garbage. Get with the times. Anyway, I've decided to update from my phone. So excuse any misspellings or weird things. I am not proof reading.

Something happened today that hasn't happened in years. Over 6 years. For some reason, catalyst unknown, I became aware that I desire to love more than I fear it. I'm talking girlfriend love. Not "I love you dude" love. If I met the right girl right now, I could do it. And I would be ok with it. When all I've done for the past 6 years is fear the outcome.

I was really diving into some Lydia lyrics today. He apparently had a relationship with many ups and downs. The same girl and the same month (December) appear on 3 albums. My past way of thinking was that I didn't want a relationship to end so badly that it takes years to get over it. But after reading lyrics from Lydia, and also The Format, I can't help but imagine that they were worth it. So much passion and love. So many deep thoughts and feelings. If one person can have these passionate feelings for another 4 years after the relationship ended, imagine what it felt like during the relationship. Imagine the feelings that they had for one another. It's hard for me to. Because I always look out for my future. Never the present.

I've had my heart broken once. And it was awful. But that was 6 years ago and I was young. We started dating in high school. This was when I didn't know better. I would use the word immature, but I still laugh at farts. So...that's not quite the right term. I would say naive. And I have felt feelings, however brief, for other people that were stronger than that relationship. And I've been afraid. So any feelings were quickly shut down. I am a pro at that. If I feel any emotion that might negatively effect me at some point, I get it out of my head.

I base this upon what? The fact that I got my heart broken by a girl I should have never loved? When I didn't even have the slightest grasp on what love is? When I only dated her because she was popular, I was a nerd, and she came up to me first? This is what has defined me. But I am done. I'm done remembering the past. I'm done worrying about the future. I just want to live. And I want to be open to love. And if I do meet a girl, and I do fall in love, and she does break my heart...I will have plenty of material for a side project. Hopefully 3 albums worth.

I'm not afraid to love. And I hope that doesn't change before I meet the perfect person to fall in love with. So if you're out there...call me. Maybe.


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