The Catcher in the Rye

"Life is a game that one plays according to the rules."

"That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are."

Girlfriend application

There are a lot of people in and out of my house lately. It's really been hurting my sleep schedule. Therefore, I need a girlfriend so I can sleep at her place. Here is the application for those interested. Copy and paste to your word processor of choice, fill it out, then copy and paste to the comments section. You may choose to remain anonymous, but might want to put some contact info down. Good luck.

Name:
Age:
Status:
A. Single
B. Divorced
C. Widowed
D. Taken/other

Kids?:

Education:
A. High school
B. Some college
C. Bachelor's Degree
D. Master's Degree

Experience:



1. Do you like Pitbull?
A. Yes
B. No

If answer is A, our time here is done. Thanks for applying.

2. Who is your favorite member of NWA? If Dre, explain why.

3. How much do you enjoy sports?
A. I watch from time to time
B. I closely follow all of my favorite teams
C. I don't care, really. But I will because you do.
D. I will watch any game on TV
E. I hate sports

4. If I fart in my sleep, do you:
A. Ignore
B. Get grossed out and leave
C. Call doorknob and punch me
D. Return the favor

5. Who is the hottest female celebrity. Why?

6. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being quietest) how quiet are you when others are sleeping?

7. What is your favorite type of sandwich to make?

8. What is the thread count on your sheets?

9. What are you getting me for my birthday?

10. True or false: 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Bonus: what is the sample rate and bit depth of cd's? What is used to correct quantization error?

Bonus 2: Name 5 parts of an internal combustion engine.

Small ramble

Don't ever forget the power of friendship. You will hear this many times. From many people. Because it is that important. Whether you have 2 or 50, it is no matter. Enjoy them. Love them. Help them. Be helped. Make it through life with someone. We are all here to support one another. Live with their imperfections. Love their imperfections. You have them too. Sometimes we fail to see the heart of another because of what we choose to see on the surface. Make time for your friends. Love your friends. Because they love you. Because we were made to love. Just don't ever become complacent with those around you. Don't ever assume they will always be there. Make each relationship better every chance you have. Never take them for granted.

-mwb

I'm only a man

Life lesson: you are going to screw up. Mistakes are inevitable. Conflict will arise. I am composing a step by step guide on how to deal with mistakes. Because I have made many. Therefore, I am qualified. You see, guilt plays a major factor in the way we live our lives. And it is there for a reason. Removing the feeling of guilt means you have dealt with issues accordingly.

Step one. Own it.
This is the hardest one. So often I've found myself searching for scapegoats or loopholes to get myself out of something I have done. Don't place blame. Don't look for another way out. Step up. This will make the rest of the process a lot easier.

Step two. Seek forgiveness. Find those you have wronged and repent. If you are religious, include your god. The most important part of step two is making sure step one is complete. Insincere apologies are easy to spot. Insincere forgiveness will ensue. Depending on the character of the person, you might receive none at all. This step is the hardest because sometimes forgiveness won't come easily. Not everybody is equipped with the grace that is necessary. But doing your part is a major step in the process.

Step three. Forgive yourself.
For the longest time, this seemed like the dumbest concept to me. Almost like a cop out. "Well I forgive myself, so I'm ok with what I did." Not the right way to look at it. Forgiving yourself involves being aware of the transgressions and fully understanding the impact that you have made. Also, you must be sincere in your remorse. But you have to forgive yourself. That is the only way to get to step four. The only way to get there.

Step four. Learn.
Learn from your mistakes. This is a common lesson in life. But, going back to step three, is impossible to truly accomplish without the past three steps. You will never learn if you don't own your mistakes. You will never learn if you don't seek forgiveness. And you will never learn if you don't forgive yourself. Now, there is knowledge you can gather without the three previous steps. But not the knowledge necessary to avoid the mistake again. By owning a mistake, you learn that getting to the next step is much easier and quicker than trying to make excuses and lie. By asking for forgiveness, you learn how to be graceful towards other people when their trespasses affect you. By forgiving yourself, you have lifted a burden that might be heavy enough to stop you from moving on to this step. You can now revisit the mistake and take notes on how to avoid the same thing in the future.

Step five. Understand the difference between forgive and forget.
Huge difference. Some mistakes will linger for a lifetime. If you have wronged someone, they might never forget it. But the steps above will make it easier to live. Forgiving is seeing that someone is sorry for their actions. Having mercy and grace. Understanding that they never truly meant any harm. Understanding that mistakes are a part of life. That we are all human. That is forgiveness. And a key part of life. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. And as the person that made the mistake, you must realize this. And you must not push anyone to leave it in the past. This is only up to one person. And it's not you.

If you have been thinking of mistakes you've made and people you've wronged while reading, think about this. As I said in step four, how have you reacted to people that have wronged you? When you've made a mistake, how starved were you for forgiveness? Someone close to you will make a mistake. And you have to put yourself in their shoes. You have to forgive. I am so blessed and so lucky to have the friends that I have. I've done so many things wrong and received so much grace and love. My only hope is to be able to repay them in the same fashion. Grace is contagious. We are all human. We will all make mistakes. We will all fall. We will all die. Some will die with guilt. Others with grace. The choice is yours. Seek forgiveness.

-mwb

So here's my number

It's been a while. Mostly due to a water damaged MacBook Pro. I have no keyboard. And to be nice, using blogspot via iPhone is garbage. Get with the times. Anyway, I've decided to update from my phone. So excuse any misspellings or weird things. I am not proof reading.

Something happened today that hasn't happened in years. Over 6 years. For some reason, catalyst unknown, I became aware that I desire to love more than I fear it. I'm talking girlfriend love. Not "I love you dude" love. If I met the right girl right now, I could do it. And I would be ok with it. When all I've done for the past 6 years is fear the outcome.

I was really diving into some Lydia lyrics today. He apparently had a relationship with many ups and downs. The same girl and the same month (December) appear on 3 albums. My past way of thinking was that I didn't want a relationship to end so badly that it takes years to get over it. But after reading lyrics from Lydia, and also The Format, I can't help but imagine that they were worth it. So much passion and love. So many deep thoughts and feelings. If one person can have these passionate feelings for another 4 years after the relationship ended, imagine what it felt like during the relationship. Imagine the feelings that they had for one another. It's hard for me to. Because I always look out for my future. Never the present.

I've had my heart broken once. And it was awful. But that was 6 years ago and I was young. We started dating in high school. This was when I didn't know better. I would use the word immature, but I still laugh at farts. So...that's not quite the right term. I would say naive. And I have felt feelings, however brief, for other people that were stronger than that relationship. And I've been afraid. So any feelings were quickly shut down. I am a pro at that. If I feel any emotion that might negatively effect me at some point, I get it out of my head.

I base this upon what? The fact that I got my heart broken by a girl I should have never loved? When I didn't even have the slightest grasp on what love is? When I only dated her because she was popular, I was a nerd, and she came up to me first? This is what has defined me. But I am done. I'm done remembering the past. I'm done worrying about the future. I just want to live. And I want to be open to love. And if I do meet a girl, and I do fall in love, and she does break my heart...I will have plenty of material for a side project. Hopefully 3 albums worth.

I'm not afraid to love. And I hope that doesn't change before I meet the perfect person to fall in love with. So if you're out there...call me. Maybe.

-mwb

Dismantle. Repair.

How often do we trick ourselves into believing something? I wonder that right now. How many times do we try so hard to believe we think a certain way, it actually seems to become truth? What's the difference between perception and truth when it comes to the things that you, and only you, think? Is there a difference? I'm about to ask a lot of questions and answer none of them.

To find the origin of these questions, we must rewind six years in my life to the point where I had my heart broken. The only time in my life where I have felt that way. To cope with her moving on, I convinced myself that I no longer cared about anything she was doing. In hindsight, what a terrible thing to do. But I did what I felt I had to. Tonight, I realized that I do still care. And I probably always will. But it's too late. The damage seems to be unrepairable. For the first time in six years, I've realized that I completely convinced myself otherwise. To me, I did not care about anything. Friends would update me and I would shrug it off. Good for her, I would mockingly say. I truly had myself persuaded that I had no interest in this girl. Judging by the way I feel now, I feel like that is false.

Back to my main point. What is real in our own personal lives? Where do our beliefs come from? To the Southern Baptist who grew up in a church, why do you believe in God? Have you just convinced yourself that he is real to fit in with your upbringing, or do you have other reasons? Why do we dislike certain music that others love? What makes our opinions particular? Do we cope with things in our life by somehow convincing ourselves to think and believe in a certain way? I think we all do. All this begs the question...what is real? I believe we will never find the answer to that. Only clues. And clues, not answers, will drive your entire life. What an odd way to look at things. But to say life is odd would be an understatement. We will never figure it out. But we will die trying.

-mwb

A Machine Where My Heart Once Was...

I am still baffled by this whole "dating" thing. Either I'm the only one who understands it, or I'm the only one that doesn't. Sheesh. Girls be cray. Just kidding. Nothing crazy has happened. And no particular girl has been crazy. Just thought I would let that be known. So maybe I need somebody to explain it to me. Here's how I feel right now. Let me preface this by saying I've felt this for about 5 years now and no particular incident is the brunt of this post. I feel like I can't even begin to wonder if I really like a girl or not without breaking her heart if I don't. And that scares the hell out of me. Because I hate it. I want to be a good guy. I really do. But in order for me to get to know a female, I must spend time with her. And when I spend time with her, she is going to think things are going farther than I do because that's naturally how the female mind works. All this assuming she is indeed attracted to me in some way. Problem is, I don't know when the cutoff is. When is the point where you are supposed to know? Are you supposed to know right away? Does it take a while? How long is a while?

I think I got messed up in high school. I dated a girl from when I started until the end of my first year of college. I never learned how to properly date a girl because I didn't have to. My normal life philosophy is "just go with it" but that doesn't work. But the thing I hate the most, setting a line or a specific point, doesn't work either. Because I don't know where that line is. I want to end up with the girl that is perfect for me. Not a girl that works. Not a girl I can deal with. She has to be perfect. Because if she's not, I'd rather just stay single my whole life. Sometimes it takes a little while for me to figure that out. Sometimes, longer than others. Sometimes, too long. And that's when I look like the bad guy.

So please, girl out there that's right for me. I need you to come find me. And tell me not to worry about breaking you heart later because it won't happen. And if it does, you won't mind it and you will completely understand. For now, I'm just going to grow a mustache or something so I don't attract females. I don't think I can handle the pressure. Gotta turn that swag down. Maybe I just need a girl to break my heart again.


Swag.
-mwb

Solitude is bliss

I have one question. For myself, but also for the simple purpose of setting the tone for the rest of this post because I couldn't think of a better introduction. Here is that question. Why do I enjoy solitude?

I live with my three best friends. I love them all. They are very dear to me. But I realized today that, other than being in my car, bathroom, or asleep, I'm constantly surrounded by somebody. When I was in college I would go entire days without seeing a single human being. For some reason, I thrived off of that. Is this a bad thing? Sounds like it should be. We are meant to interact and mingle. Share our thoughts. I enjoy being by myself.

That being said, I once spent 5 days in total solitude while housesitting for my aunt and uncle. They had a bunch of stuff in the house. A grand piano, guitars, a pool table, and a gym. I was miserable by the 3rd day. I went to the mall just to see people. That's right. I went to the mall. I hate the mall.

I guess I just need to find a good median between the two. The problem is, everyone thinks I'm a jerk if I don't want to talk. Sometimes I'm in a moment where I just want to sit there in silence and people try and start up a conversation. When I'm short with them, they try another angle. I think some people absolutely have to have some form of conversation at all times. I am quite the opposite. And the people that I am constantly around are the opposite of me. It's a good fit in a way. But makes me look bad. I guess I could try to embrace social interactions. Or I could just flat out say, "Stop talking to me." But that would just be rude.

I don't really have a main point to this like I normally do. Just wondering if I am alone in wanting to be alone. It doesn't seem like anyone else I know enjoys locking the door and spending time alone while people are in the next room having a good time. Guess I'm just weird.

-mwb

Freestyle

Just staring at this screen. Been about 5 minutes. I'm dying to write something. Can't figure out if there is too much on my mind or not enough. Life is so odd. Facebook and Twitter gives us an in depth look at everyone's lives. Sometimes wish they didn't exist. Sometimes they remind you that you're still single, don't have a real job, and living with two other dudes. Sometimes makes me forget that I'm actually happy doing that because I know better things are coming quickly. Social media is an odd thing too. Just like life. Makes first dates easier. Just look at their interests. Find something to talk about. You can study for your date. Blogs are odd too. I guess that can be included with social media. Blogs are odd because right now you are reading what was going through my head at 1AM on a Friday morning. It's timestamped, unlike chapters of a book. Where am I going with this? Who knows. Certainly not me. Back to social media. You know what I don't want to see? Someone's ultrasound. That's just weird. I mean, seriously? Can anyone else back me up on this? I don't want to see inside of you. Stop. Know what else I don't want to see? PDA. I don't care how much you love your significant other. Send him/her a text or something. What's funny is the arguments people get into about sports and politics. Most of the sports arguments are just ridiculous. Both sides have no idea what they are talking about and just pull things out of nowhere. Get pretty angry too. Like the people playing on the field are their family members. So I guess this is about it for this late night edition of rambling. Maybe I can come up with something worthwhile soon. But until then, I'll just keep letting you know I'm alive and still here. I click on this bookmark almost every night but am completely void of words. As you can see, it isn't the most entertaining thing in the world when I actually go through with it.

ps
It's been raining a lot lately. Not sure how I feel about that. Oh wait, yea I do. It's not good. Really brings my mood down. I have to Tebow it up every day and just look for the positives. Hey man. You'll get it next time. We got this. Lets go. You are awesome. I say these things to myself as forms of encouragement. It works sometimes. When it rains, I sometimes like to pretend I'm in a movie. Refer to a few posts down the road to view how much I like my rain hair. That's really the only positive thing about rain. Except, of course, keeping things alive. Movie sets are always so much more dramatic in the rain. So I make everything dramatic. To myself, that is. I would look like a lunatic otherwise. Try it next time. Pretend a camera is on you next time it rains. Even if you're just walking down stairs or getting the mail. Run your hand through your rain hair. Makes you forget that rain kind of sucks. By now you are probably thinking...is he still talking about rain? Yes. I am. My brain is deprived of actual content. Well not really. Just can't publish some of the stuff I'm thinking. Between Twitter, Facebook, and this I have to keep some stuff private, right? Welp. See ya later.

-mwb

The numbers are lying.

I hate being wrong. I really do. What I hate more...being wrong and not having anything concrete to prove why. I rarely blog about sports. I normally blog about random things. But by golly...I have to talk about Tim Tebow.

You know what I don't want? A QB that completes a pass 47% of the time. When a lot of that is boosted from his 81% completion rating from passes behind the line of scrimmage. At least I thought I wouldn't. Let's get things straight first though. I was never a Tebow hater. I hoped and still up that he becomes the best QB to ever play the game. But I'm a numbers guy. I love numbers. I see a difference between hating and being realistic. Option QB's flop in the NFL. Unless you are Michael Vick and can outrun a DB. Realistic is saying that Tebow doesn't put up the numbers to be an NFL QB. Hating is saying that LeBron James will never win a title. The difference is numbers. LeBron has the numbers to back him up. Tebow has...um...something. LeBron choked in the 4th quarter. Tebow thrives. Tebow fan or not, let's be honest...his numbers more than stink. His numbers smell like that paper mill across the river that stinks up a whole town. But Tebow's got the Febreeze and he's covering it up well.

I simply can't understand how it keeps happening. It's a phenomenon that I have never seen or even dreamed of. For the first 3 quarters, Tebow looks like Matt Saracen when he replaced Jason Street in Friday Night Lights. His feet are all over the place. There is no rhythm. He throws out of bounds, at the receivers' feet, or just not even close. Three total touchdowns in the first half out of the 8 games he has started. 32% on third down conversions. 30% completion percentage when winning.

All that and this dude is 7-1 as a starter. If there is even the slightest chance that they can pull off a win, it's going to happen. Today's example is a good one. 4:34 left and Denver has 0 points. They need 10. Tebow goes out there and looks like Tom Brady. His feet are solid. The ball is spinning. He's hitting guys in stride. They drive, and they score. 2:08 left. The ONLY way they can win at this point is if they get the onside kick. Not gonna happen this time. Bears recover. Now they can just run out the clock. But wait. Retard Barber goes out of bounds and we all know what is about to happen. Tebow gets the ball and with the help of his kicker blasting a ridiculous 59 yard field goal we go into overtime. Bears win the toss. Bears get the ball in field goal range. Retard Barber just has to hang on to the ball. He breaks free and it looks like 6. Drops the ball. He didn't get stripped. He drops the ball. Tebow drives. And again gets help from his from #5 to win the game.

That sounds like it shouldn't have happened. And for one game I can give it to them. But 5? 5 come from behind wins with ridiculous circumstances that shouldn't have happened including interceptions, onside kicks, fumbles, and just stupidity by the opposing team. People joke about it...but Tebow has God on his side. I know God isn't a football fan. Well I don't know. Maybe he is. But I do believe that if you give it all to God you will be rewarded. And honestly, at this point...I have no other explanation. I really don't. These numbers are lying. Tebow isn't an NFL quarterback. At least that's what I thought. He plays like a scared child for 3 quarters and then beast modes the 4th. I don't get it. I really don't.

So here's to you, Timmy. I tip my cap to you and officially join Team Tebow. To say the least, it is the most entertaining football I have ever seen in my life. In the last 5 minutes, that is. The rest of the game, I'd rather catch up on laundry or take a nap. Whatever you're doing...whatever it is...however the heck you are getting this done...you're doing it. You are winning. And in the grand scheme of the NFL, a W is all that matters.

Keep it up. It's so much fun to watch. But do me a favor and remember you have 3 other quarters to play. I'd like to watch an entire game without falling asleep.

I'm not convinced that true love exists. I want to believe it. But I've only felt it briefly, and even then I'm still not sure what it was. The reason I fail to convince myself can be blamed on movies. The kind of movie where someone travels across the country to say they are sorry. To get their love back, for whatever reason. The kind of movie where that person is the only person you can think about and it either ruins your day or makes it based on the situation. Where you are only thinking about them and they are only thinking about you. I want that. But, since I don't believe I have ever felt it, I don't believe it exists. Love, after all, is intangible. A man-made word to describe a feeling that cannot be described with the exception of said word. What is love? There are definitions, of course, but none come close to my own description, cannot be put into words.

I don't completely negate the fact that this feeling exists. I have felt love between family. I would lose everything I had to help my brother through anything. I would give up myself for a chance to better his life. I would drive hours away to pick him up if he was in a jam. Same feeling for my parents who have done more for me than I can ever ask. I can't even thank them because words would not bring any justice. The only way to describe it is love. But can you prove something intangible really exists?

I see people that say they are in love. I do not believe them. Well...most of them. In my pessimistic state, I look at it as settling. I don't want to settle. I've seen people get married so quickly because they say it was love at first sight. Was it? Or were you just lonely? Are you just afraid of ending up alone? This is what we're supposed to do. We've finished college, now we get married before we get too old. I then see these marriages (not all of them) end just years later. How am I supposed to believe in love when the divorce rate is so high? How am I supposed to know that I will feel this one day? What if the people that work out do so because they settle with things and make it work just because it's what you're supposed to do? The biggest question I have...why is my best example of love something scripted, acted out, and filmed? It's not even real, but I feel like it exists in that circumstance more than in my own reality.

Some might see my attitude as pessimism and a lack of faith, but I see it as asking questions. I see it as looking at life with open eyes. That term is always related to happiness and finding things that better yourself. But that's not always the case. I hope I prove myself wrong. I really do. I hope I will love someone to the point where I'll drive 5 hours to watch a movie, then drive back and go to work with no sleep. I hope I find someone that I can stay up all night with watching infomercials and be the happiest I've ever been. Through my eyes now, I won't. But maybe. Just maybe I will. There is a small bit of hope in me. I need Tim Tebow to give me a pep talk.

-mwb

I had a moment last weekend that I don't think is possible to put into words. Challenge accepted. I went camping with one of my best friends and my brother, who is my absolute best friend. Which, by the way, I am so fortunate to have. So we went to this campsite and spent the night talking and hanging out. I turn my cell phone off that night and decide to go at least 24 hours without it. If you know me at all, I can't go 30 minutes without checking twitter or I'm behind. The next day we walked around a lake and went fishing. As the sun was starting to set, we decided to stop at a certain part. As we sat down, all of us looked up and noticed the incredible scene in front of us. We were overlooking this lake as the sun was setting. On the other side was a hill covered in trees, the leaves all different colors. One of us said, "Dude...look at that." And not another word was said. We just stared. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Not just because of the scenery, but because of the situation. When you are far enough away from civilization, the busy world that surrounds you no longer matters. Only the exact moment you are living. And that moment was pure bliss. The world did not exist outside of the scene in front of me. I'm just sitting there with two of my favorite people in the world enjoying this. We didn't even speak. There was no need to. Nothing could be said to make that moment any better.

That's something that will stick with me the rest of my life. What someone said on Twitter a week ago has left my mind for good. Yet, the experience I just wrote about was so much simpler. This scene (provided the lake was not man made, I actually have no idea) was there long before I was even born. It's there every day. I've let technology completely spoil me of the things that are truly beautiful. What's sad is I will probably continue to do so.

I'm not really sure what the point of this particular post is other than to share the experience. And if you take anything out of it, take this. Next time you get the chance to experience the world as it is without technology...do it. It's even better if you can share it with the people closest to you. But in that moment, however short it might be...you have no worries. You don't have to go to work the next day. You don't have to pay bills. You don't have any appointments. You don't have any grudges or hate. You just live. You enjoy. You breathe easier. And somehow, you become closer to the people you are with without even saying a word. I'm enclosing a picture I shot the next day (after my technology break was over) but I'm afraid it doesn't quite do it justice. Just imagine yourself in the scene I painted for you with this visual aid.

Cheers
-mwb

Quote from book

"So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."
-The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I like that. Quote from book. Very simple. And written from the view of a high school kid. Choose where you go. Do things. Try and feel ok about them. Incomplete sentences. The only way to write. Thinking about a new signature to end my posts with since I don't think I have one. I might try a few out soon. Or now. Can't think of anything. Here.

-mwb

ad astra per aspera

We will never be content. To say so would either be lying or a complete mastery of life. The latter harder to do. And by harder, I mean impossible. We are always getting to the next step. Finding our next challenge and conquering it. Like a video game. A never-ending quest for self-gratification. Unless you live for someone, or something, else. One of the main reasons for my faith. Which most people cannot comprehend. When I stopped living life for myself, I started to understand things. Life was easier. There is a purpose. From an atheist perspective, this sounds silly. But doesn't living for yourself just to die and return to nothing sound pretty lonely? We are all going to die some day. There are no exceptions to this rule. To the people that say I am wrong (because I never will), does it not sound better to live with hope? Hope for something. Anything. Other than living to die for nothing. Solomon had anything a person living for himself could ask for. He had wealth, wisdom, power, and women. The four things all dudes want. But in the end, he realized it was all worthless. He was going to die. And none of it was coming with him. There is nothing new under the sun. Solomon, while having everything, had nothing. He had no more hope. In today's society, it is much harder to follow commandments. But doing so yields rewards. We have no signs. We have no plagues. No one hears the booming voice of God. But I do have hope. I know that I am living for something more than myself. It is difficult, and sometimes seems pointless. But I cannot get through challenges and difficulties knowing there will continue to be more. And more. And then some more. Until I die. And then there will be nothing. I will never be content on earth looking for worldly pleasures. I look for the future above the sun. Life will be difficult. But you get to the stars through difficulty. And you get through the difficulty through hope and faith.

per difficultas per fides

The radio is just awful

Music is the single greatest thing in life. There is nothing else even close. I am, however, troubled. I am troubled by today's top 40 radio. The lyrics are senseless. The melodies have been done before. I do not understand how anyone can connect to these songs. What the heck is the deal with Kesha? All she's doing is a less tasteful version of the B-52s. She gets up there and talks to music that engineers and producers create. Why is she famous?

Am I just "weird" for thinking that real music should be more popular? Riddle me this, if you will...why is all "good" music considered Indie because it actually has melodies and lyrics that aren't about partying and stealing boyfriends? What happened to talent being praised? I get in discussions with people about what makes a song or band good. I don't always listen to music to hear a catchy hook or something that makes me want to dance. Because I dance all the time. I listen for talent. I listen for grooves. I listen for heartfelt and poetic lyrics. I listen for melody. And apparently, that means I like Indie bands.

Have you ever heard of The Reign of Kindo? If you haven't, go to youtube and search for the song Hold Out. Go. Right now. Do it. Thank me later. They are incredible musicians being left in the dark by today's upbeat society. You can listen to the same song 5 times in a row, each instrument at a time, and get a whole new perspective. I wonder if I'm just getting old. I grew up to people telling me I need to listen to classic rock and appreciate it. And I mean...yea. It's good. It set the stage for a lot of music I listen to now. But it's simple. And I can't stand the vocals. Freddy Mac, and Steve Perry are some of the exceptions. I just made that nickname up for my man Freddie. Doesn't really even make sense, but I like it. Back to my question of whether or not I'm just getting old. I don't think it's that. The difference between classic rock and today's rock is subtle, really. Better vocals. More intricate parts. Waaaaaayyyy better drums. But it's still rock. Today's pop radio is none of that. 4 on the floor drums. Weird synths. Catchy vocal melodies, yes. But terrible lyrics to go along with those. You don't even have to have the ability to sing. Kesha being example one, Fergie being example 2. I can make just about any voice sound like the next big thing in my personal studio with Pro Tools. I have a plug in that gives you a virtual throat that you can make longer, shorter, fatter, or slimmer. Not to mention pitch correction and just warping in general. Digital recording has killed good music. Being an engineer, I can hear pitch correction in every song on the radio. Mostly because the engineers and producers are just awful. It's like they don't even try.

So, since at least 2 people read this, I'm going to give you a few bands that you have to listen to. Some you may have heard of. Some, maybe not. But this is music. This is what it's supposed to be. These are real lyrics that you can connect with. These are songs that give you feelings other than wanting to party and drink a lot. Do yourself a favor and take a listen. I've classified them into the genre I think best fits.

Bands you might not have heard of
The Reign of Kindo - Jazz Rock
Mumford and Sons - Folk
Brett Detar - Folk/Americana with incredible vocals
A Fine Frenzy - Chick with a ridiculous voice
Hanson (yes...still making music, and very good)
Lydia - Soothing rock with a punch

Top 10 past and present
1. Jimmy Eat World
2. Anberlin
3. Blink -182
4. Copeland
5. The Format
6. Motion City Soundtrack
7. Acceptance
8. The Juliana Theory
9. The Classic Crime
10. Death Cab for Cutie

Listen to these bands. All of them are my definition of what music should be. If you disagree, you are most likely wrong. Because my opinion is the best. And if you like Kesha...you are what is wrong with the world.

Shout out

Hey. Shout out to whoever it is in New York that reads my blog. I don't think we are friends because I don't think I know anybody in New York. But hey...I appreciate you. Also thanks to anyone who still reads this with interest. There's a point where an online journal, aka this blog, cannot be an exact journal of my thoughts and feelings. Because some things are meant to be kept private. In today's social media world, I forget that sometimes. Shut up. Just stop talking. Nobody cares. You're still typing? Yes, self. I am. I'm not divulging any sweet gossip or feelings. If you're looking for that you're in the wrong place. What I am doing is wasting your time. And possibly my own since I am not quite on the edge of passing out. Instead, I am in bed with my book on my chest typing away. Perhaps trying to get to that point where I can immediately reach sleep. Perhaps because I enjoy pretending someone is listening to me at this exact moment. I do that sometimes. Sometimes? Sorry...most of the time. I pretend someone is listening to me speak right now. And, just like I think before I speak, I think before I type. But not enough to matter. At the risk of sounding creepy, I know the main people that read this. And I think of certain people when I type. And pretend I'm talking to them. Because this is easier than actually talking. This is easier than striking up an actual conversation. With actual topics. This is easier than dealing with consequences. This is easier than trying to decipher sincerity. This is easier than real life. Because real life can't leave anything open. Everyone has to finish their book and close it with full understanding. Before moving onto the next. But more than all of that...some things are just unspoken. Sometimes we just know. But most of the time, we don't act. We can type. But we can't choose. We eventually have to close the book. But why? I like leaving them open to the pages that I enjoyed the most. I fold them down and highlight them. Just in case there was something I missed. There always is. We always miss the most important part. The main objective. It's always better the second time around because we know more. We know what was. We know what is to come. But then we notice something in the present that we did not before. And that is the key to it all. If this makes sense, I'll be happy. Publish with no regrets. Ready, go.

What a dumb list

I'm getting a bit tired of people confusing the words "influential" and "talent." What pushed me to the point of blogging about it? Stick around and I'll tell you. I started some tweets, then realized 140 characters aren't enough. You like that? That's like when they say the name of the movie in the movie. Except it's saying the name of the blog in the blog. Mind blown? Probably. If your brain is still intact, please continue.

I was thinking about who had the greatest voices of all time. Not influential. The greatest. As in they are the best. Range, tone, quality, soul. Stuff like that. I looked at Rolling Stone's top 100. And I got a bit upset. Because the title is Rolling Stone's 100 Greatest singers of all time. For kicks, I'll start off with the top 25.

15 Robert Plant
14 Al Green
13 Roy Orbison
12 Little Richard
11 Paul McCartney
10 James Brown
09 Stevie Wonder
08 Otis Redding
07 Bob Dylan
06 Marvin Gaye
05 John Lennon
04 Sam Cooke
03 Elvis Presley
02 Ray Charles
01 Aretha Franklin

That has to be a joke. Bob Dylan fans will even admit that his voice is just awful. Keep in mind, we aren't talking about influence, style, or songwriting (which he might be the best of all time). We are talking about vocal talent. At least that's what I think of when I hear greatest. My number one is number 18. Freddie Mercury. Go listen to any Queen song and refute my claim. He has a soothing yet powerful voice. He has range. He has vibrato. He has it all. Even a sweet mustache that every man is secretly jealous of. Aretha Franklin is in my top 5, as well as Sam Cooke. Actually, here is my top 5 so you know where I'm at.

1. Freddie Mercury
2. Steve Perry
3. Sam Cooke
4. Aretha Franklin
5. Etta James

Know where Steve Perry is on the list? 76. Seventy freakin six. People that beat him include but are not limited to: Iggy Pop. James Taylor. Jerry Lee Lewis. Buddy Holly. Kurt Cobain (are you kidding me? Neil Young. Bono (are you kidding me again)? Johnny Cash. Also, the previously mentioned people. If music were like boxing, this list would be different. Music is all about opinions and emotions. Most of the time, the truest talent gets hidden. In a boxing match, the best normally wins. How dare anyone put Bob Dylan in the top 10 and put Steve Perry at 76. On a list of greatest singers of all time. Bob Dylan would get knocked out first round by most of these people.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not hating on the people I've said don't belong. They brought major influence, uniqueness, and their own style. But, in my opinion, greatness is not being different. Greatness is having the raw talent. Being the best. And I stand firmly on my top 5. I believe they are/were the greatest of all time. This list is garbage. For the record, Morrissey is at 92. How he beat Stevie Nicks, I will never know. I enjoy listening to The Smiths. But never in a sober state of mind would put him in a top 100. I feel like I have much more to say, but I'm fighting a battle I can't win. Someone comment. Tell me I'm still sane in thinking this way. Or tell me I'm an idiot. I don't care.

Never forget

In 9th grade English class, I watched a plane fly into the second tower of the World Trade Center on live television. I saw both buildings come down. I saw people jumping from the building to their death. No one spoke. It was an eerie silence that cannot be replicated. It was something that couldn't be fathomed. This...is not happening. For weeks, I repeatedly thought about those images. I watched live as a plane flew into a building instantly killing hundreds of people. I watched as the building collapsed killing even more. But what bothered me the most is that every second, I was watching someone lose a father. Someone was losing a mother. Someone was losing a husband. Someone was losing a wife. The picture of the 2nd plane will be in my memory for the rest of my life. It's an image more vivid than others. And every time I see that plane hit, I see families losing loved ones. I asked the same question everyone did. Why?

So after ten years, what have we learned as a country? I think those things are apparent: patriotism, love, heroism, among others. The bigger question is what have we failed to learn? We have forgotten to love those who are different. We have forgotten to love those who believe in a different god. We have forgotten to love those who don't think like we do. This country was founded so that we are free to believe in whatever we choose. You have just as much of a right to believe in the teachings of Jesus as a Muslim does in Mohammed. This country was not founded on the god of Christianity. It was founded on freedom of religion. Freedom of choice. Freedom of speech. Have you ever seen a Muslim on the side of the road holding a religious sign? Probably not. Because they are persecuted. I use Muslims as an example because it is the most apparent, but other religions apply.

Religion aside, I think people forget that this country is far from perfect. But we learn. And we adapt. How different are we than the ancient Egyptians? The very people who read and preached Exodus and the Jewish slavery in Egypt were slave owners in America. We cannot do something and say it's "ok" just because we are in America. We forget the basic principles of everything every hero has died for. Religious wars will never end until the world does. Instead of trying to fight and argue, unite. Unite as a country, not a religion. Unite as a country, not a race. The hero's that have died for us did so for us to be free. We are free to worship our own god. All races are free to live without bigotry. We are free. And we will never unite as a country until we understand that. All of the major religions share the same basic principle of loving your neighbor as yourself. Yet, so often we cannot do that. Jesus himself said that this was the most important commandment along with loving God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. You cannot choose your neighbors. Just like you cannot choose the people you encounter. Love them. All of them.

Extremism is not what I'm talking about. So don't get me wrong. There is no place in this country for any person that threatens or takes the lives of others. The Christian extremists that protest funerals...there's no room for them. The people that did this to our country ten years ago...there's no room for them. Extremity of any religion is never a good thing. Forcing religion on someone is never a good thing. "Under God" was added to the Pledge of Allegiance during the Cold War as well as "In God We Trust" on our currency. I'm not a history major, nor have I done research on the subject...but I would believe that other religions aren't too happy with that. Don't ever force your religion on someone else. Share it. And share it with love. Share it with respect for whatever the other person might believe. Share it with freedom in mind.

Believe what you wish. And believe in it with all of your heart. But don't ever tell someone what they should believe. This country was not founded on a single religion, but the freedom to choose. But most importantly, never forget those who died on September 11th, 2001. Never forget the families that will forever have an empty chair at the dinner table. Never forget the heroes that gave up their lives to save others. Never forget that they died because of religious extremism. Never forget that we are free. Never forget.

Never.

Rain.

I walk a fine line between realism and cynicism. Only difference between the two is bias. But being a realist sounds better than a cynic, so I go with the former. Finding the scraps of positive in a heap of negative has grown difficult. But I'm done weighing the good and the bad. That only fuels the fire that consumes my cynical thoughts. Instead, I'm just going to go back to living. I realized my posts have a lot of negativity in them, and could perhaps be misleading. I am well. What you get are the thoughts floating around in my head. Sometimes sharing them with people that may or may not care helps. Actually, I'm not sure if it does, but I like to type. In the past, I also tried to write in a form that would be easy and entertaining to read. But that defeats the purpose, I think. My train of thought is wonderful. Right now, I'm thinking about rain. Sometimes I like to stand in it. Getting rained on is soothing in a way. My brain is saying I am under distress. "Run," it says. "This is not normal. At least put a small item over your head." I say to my brain, "Brain...don't tell me what to do." Everybody always goes nuts and tries to run and get out of it. Like they are about to cross paths with their soulmate and he/she will despise you for being wet. It's water. It dries. Plus, I think my rain hair looks better than normal hair. I hope I cross paths with my soulmate when I have rain hair. She will not be able to resist. I bought an umbrella once. Used it once. Because I was with a girl and wanted to put on my best impression of a gentleman. She didn't get to see the rain hair. I do pretty good impressions. I can do a really good, "guy pretending to listen." I sometimes don't know if I'm supposed to laugh at the end or say, "Man...that sucks." Because like I said...it's an impression of a guy pretending to listen. So what's next on the agenda? I suppose I should update more often. Surprisingly enough, people still read this. I sometimes don't know what to talk about. Wait...remix. I rarely know what to talk about. Like right now. This whole post is about nothing. But you will read it. And you will rejoice, for I am blogging again. And you will go to work or school tomorrow and think to yourself...I wonder what Matt will post later. And all day, you will be itching to come home and sit at your computer. Chin rested on left hand. Is it there right now? That's how I sit at the computer. This brings me back around to my main point. I have finally admitted to myself that I am a cynic. Tune in next post when I find out if that is a good or a bad thing. Hint: I like it. Everyone else hates it. Spoiler alert: It's not the worst thing in the world, but it's not good. Cheers.

Numb

I don't know what it is. But I've been kind of numb lately. Not that anything bad is going on in my life at all. I'm actually well. But for some reason, I'm emotionless the majority of the time. I hope this doesn't last very long because it's slightly annoying. I guess the main reason is I've stopped over-reacting to things. When someone tells me something I don't make it a bigger deal than it is just to provoke more conversation. To say the least, my social abilities are shrinking even more than they were already. But then I get in these moods where I'm just starved for conversation and don't know what to say or who to talk to. So I just sit here.

The purpose of this post, more than anything else, is just to post something. I've always slacked in the blog world. I have all these things to say, but by the end of the night I'm just spent and want to go to sleep. Not trying to be a downer. Keep in mind, I'm doing well (at least I think so). Just wanted to let you guys know I'm still here.

Respect the Sabbath? Nah, I'd rather go out to eat.

I was talking to some friends the other day about some things and a point was brought up. Getting straight to it, the point is that modern Christianity is a main cause of Atheism. The problem being that a lot of people that claim Christianity decide to skip over the parts of the bible that they don't want to follow. I have my fair share of them, but I'm getting better. I've been wanting to write something about this for a while, but haven't had the time. Also, I came back to the top after finishing to let you know that I am slightly tired and might have done a sloppy job. No editing today. All raw. Here it goes.

I will start off by saying that I am not condemning anyone. A lot of people are simply ignorant on the subject. Whenever anyone questions the status quo of Christianity, other Christians refute it almost instantly. Most of the time with no biblical context, only basing their fact upon the way they were raised or what they have heard from other people. How modern Christianity has strayed so far away from biblical context, I have no clue. But it's really hard to say people are living right when you simply read the bible. First off, a lot of things were lost in translation and a lot of translations were taken in different ways. It has been stretched and skewed so much since the beginning that these newer and newer versions are just farther and farther off. Granted everyone's interpretation is their own (and should be) there are some things that are so clear, yet so neglected.

I'll start off with the Sabbath. There are several scriptures that say spending money is forbidden. Yet people overlook it. Southern Baptists always have the stereotype of letting out church early so they can get to the restaurants before they get busy. If you want to get even more into it, you aren't even supposed to leave your home. Technically speaking, you aren't supposed to travel more than half of a mile. So 1/4 mile to church and 1/4 mile back is all you have. No work is to be done either. Which goes with the spending money part. If you spend money on the Sabbath, you are assisting someone in working on the Sabbath. All of this is clearly written in the bible. I will supply you with verses if need be, but I didn't feel like quoting all of them. Next flaw. The Sabbath is supposed to be observed on the 7th day of the week. Look on your calendar. What day is #7? It's not Sunday. The 7th day of the week is Saturday. Yep. Guess who changed that? The Catholic Church. Even more technically speaking, all of the days in the bible were observed from sundown to sundown. Meaning the Sabbath is from sundown on Friday to sundown on Saturday.

Here's another topic some like to skew, and/or overlook. America loves their bacon. We love our ham. But there is no where in the bible that refutes the no pork law. Here's the scripture in which people argue against this case. "Are you so dull?" he asked. "Don't you see that nothing that enters a man from the outside can make him 'unclean'? For it doesn't go into his heart but into his stomach, and then out of his body." (In saying this, Jesus declared all foods "clean.") He went on: "What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean.' (Mark 7:18-20). Did you notice the parentheses? That means Jesus didn't actually say that. It was added in. If you read the text in it's entirety, it does not say he made all foods clean. Jesus was simply saying that was goes in your stomach does not defile you, it's what goes into your mind. Challenge me on this if you want. There is more where that came from.

What about holidays? Christmas and Easter were both Pagan holidays. During Easter, babies were sacrificed to the god of fertility, known as Ishter. Christmas also came from Pagan rituals. Don't believe me? Look it up. Wikipedia might suffice. These holidays came from Pagan tradition. Not the bible. Not God. Now, there are several scriptures that say that God can turn evil into good for his own. And you can take that and leave. However here are some notes.

"Be careful not to be ensnared by inquiring about their gods, saying, "How do these nations serve their gods? We will do the same." You must not worship the Lord your God in their way." Deut.12:30-31

"Do not learn the way of the Gentiles." Jeremiah 10:2.

All of the holidays that we, as Christians, attempt to attribute to God are the opposite of what he wants. They were all Pagan ways of worship for their own gods. So why is that still ok? Next point is that Christians rarely celebrate the holidays that were meant to be celebrated. Passover for one. Yom Kippur is another. Jesus celebrated these. He did not celebrate any of the other holidays. These were all taken from Pagan practice later on and applied to Christianity.

All of that being said, it is a wonder that Christianity has strayed so far away on these simple things. It is also a wonder that so many people that study the bible for so long to become pastors and leaders simply overlook these things. Because that's how they were brought up. And that's how their parents were brought up. And so on. Point being, I'm not condemning people who live against what I have just typed. However, if you are reading this and call yourself a Christian, I would hope you would do some research on your own religion. Did you eat leavened bread this past week? You aren't supposed to. How many people know that? They don't teach these things in church. Why not? That is my question. Why do we care so much about celebrating a Pagan holiday (Easter) that we don't do what the bible tells us to do? Instead we buy things for our children filled with gelatin (peeps, jelly beans, and other fun stuff) unknowingly that it is made with horse and pig (forbidden) and just pretend it's ok. Meanwhile we don't celebrate the holiday (Passover) that Jesus celebrated and told us to celebrate.

Back to my main point. Atheists often combat Christianity by claiming that we contradict ourselves. We do. The things that we believe and teach in the bible contradict each other. But that's not what the bible says. It's what we choose to learn. My message in all of this is not to prove that I know more, I am a better person, or condemn anyone. My message is to inform people that what they are doing is simply wrong. There. I said it. Whether it be knowing or unknowing, it is wrong. If you say you believe the bible, if you say you believe in God, and you say you are a Christian, then follow his law. All of them. Not just the ones you like.

This post is likely to get some people fired up. If you are mad or disagree with the things I just said, that's fine. But in reality, all you are doing is lying to yourself (that is if you claim to be a Christian and are mad after reading this). There are all types of "radical Christians" out there that like to come up with new things and skew the bible just to get people angry. This is not my point. And this is not the case. Everything that I've said is in the bible. It's right there. It's not some weird way of interpreting it. If you want to know where I got my information from, read the bible. Or you can contact me. I'd love to talk to you about it. I have facebook, I have twitter, and my email address is mattdgn@hotmail.com. Hit me up. Before you stone me with words of blasphemy, ask God to show you more. Ask yourself if you've really been reading the bible or if you've just let people tell you what it says. The last sentence might sound like I'm contradicting myself, but I'm not asking you to believe the things I've said in this post because I said it. I'm asking you to search yourself. I'm asking you to research the very religion you claim. That's not much to ask, is it? If you believe in something, I think you should, at the least, know where things came from and know why you believe what you believe.

Obsession

Let's be honest for a minute. If you have ever been to church, more often than not, 15 minutes into the sermon you are trying to decide whether you want Mexican or Italian when you get out. Especially with my ADD. But a few months back I heard one from the youth pastor of my church that stuck with me. Reason being that it's a key flaw that ruins our life, yet hardly ever gets addressed. I'm not going to preach his sermon to you. Just thought I would give credit where credit is due. I am, however, going to tell you how I feel about it and how it can relate to my life, and yours.

Everyday this happens to me. I can count on it. I will be driving and someone is going to do something stupid. Bet on it. You will win every time. The problem isn't the fact that I get angry. The problem is I obsess over it. Here is the difference. The definition of obsess is to dominate or preoccupy the thoughts, feelings, or desires. Key word in that definition being dominate. My thoughts become dominated by this guy who did something stupid while driving. And all I can think about for the next portion of my life is how terrible of a driver this guy is and how he shouldn't be driving. What an absolute waste of good thought time. Here is a guy who might have just made a mistake and I caught him at the wrong time. I've made a few driving mistakes in my time. Maybe he is truly a jerk and just wanted to make me mad for no reason. Whatever the cause, I will have anger burning inside of me for the entire duration of this obsession. Why?

I thought about it for a while and found the answer. We obsess over the smallest of things (and large) because we all want instant gratification. Did that guy seriously just get away with that? Where are the cops? I hope he wrecks. We want others to get what's coming to them when they offend us. I guess it's human nature. I use the example of driving here because, if you are an avid reader, you might notice that I talk about it a lot. Traffic is my kryptonite. Hate it. Can't stand it. But we obsess over many other things that have no real effect on the rest of our lives. And most of the time...we obsess over complete strangers that we will never see again. Strangers. People we don't know. Sometimes, people that don't even realize they did anything wrong. So who wins that battle (if you would call it a battle)? The guy who is thinking about other things.

It's not always strangers though. Could be a roommate. Could be a spouse or boy/girlfriend. Could be siblings. Could be your best friend. Just something they said or did that made you angry or offended you. And you can't stop thinking about it. Here is the best option to end the obsession. Let it go. Now, people always say it's easier said than done. I disagree. How do you go about letting things go. Do you just say it, or do you actually make a change in the way that you think? Letting go of things is really easy to do. How, you might ask? Just tell yourself that whatever is bothering you is going to happen. Don't act like it's something new every time. And don't seek instant justification. If I was in a press conference with God, I think I would ask him why we care so much about what happens to other people. Example: A guy doesn't work hard and just sits around all day making millions of dollars, yet I work 40 hours a week and I am scraping by. It is my natural instinct to loath that guy making money. Why? He is not me. Nothing he does even effects my life. But I still feel resentment towards people like that. I obsess over it. All that does is bring me down. My obsession does the opposite of bringing success upon myself. It brings me down. So do what you have to do. Let it go. Here's a spoiler alert: the ratio of people that get away with offending you and people who get whats coming to them is heavily weighted in the "get away with it" category. Don't try to change it because it won't happen.

Putting all of this into perspective, think about your life in the past 5-10 years. What were some of your best moments? Now, what were some of your worst moments? I can't guarantee it since I do not know everyone's story, but most likely your worst moments had something to do with obsession. Obsessing over a girl that broke your heart (guilty). Obsessing over the guy that took her (guilty). Obsessing over money. School. Work. It is never fun. And obsessing never solves the problem. Now look at where you are now. Did obsessing over that situation change your life? The answer is probably no. So all that time spent dwelling on things of unimportance...wasted

I'm a huge believer that we only have one life to live, so live it up. My life is about 1/4 of the way over (if I'm lucky). I can't spend an hour every day getting mad because someone didn't use their turn signal. I need to stop obsessing.



ps thanks PC

Inspire yourself

I've been thinking a lot about where I am in my life right now. No, I am not where I want to be. But I'm getting there. I was thinking about all of the leaps I've had to take. Some hard. Some easy. But ultimately, it will pay off. And I believe that. One thing that breaks my heart more than anything else is people that decide to settle. I'm not knocking on people with office jobs, or common lifestyles. Some people do it because they love it. I am talking about the people that quit their dreams and decide to settle for whatever they can get. They go into work every day completely miserable, then bring it home with them. I do understand the need for money. I can't talk seeing as how I deliver pizza. But the difference is I know this is not the end. It's what I do for money now, but it's not permanent. And I refuse to let it be. The following might sound like it was written through the eyes of someone that has made it and become successful at what they love, but it is not. It was written by someone who hasn't even caught a break yet. But is still determined on making it happen.

What did you want to be as a kid? A fireman? A professional athlete? I used to go out into my backyard and pretend I was Greg Maddux. I did the whole announcer and crowd thing too. We all wanted to be something, then changed our minds, for one reason or another. Sometimes it's deciding that it's not where you want to go in life. Sometimes it's someone telling you that you won't make it. The latter should never be a factor. Of course, dreams we had as children aren't the same once we grow up and make some discoveries of our own. But once you hit college, sometimes even late high school, our dreams should no longer be dreams. They should be goals. Because it's no longer a fantasy we live out in our backyard. It's something that can actually happen.

Too often, I see people abandon their hopes and dreams because they would rather play it safe. I see it in more things than a career path. It could be a girlfriend/boyfriend. The place you choose to live. These all tie in together into what you would call your life. What most people fail to realize, or push to the back of their mind, is that we only have one. We will not come back and be given another opportunity to do what we love. So why spend the one life that we have wishing you would have done something else? My greatest fear in life is that my deathbed regrets will be that I did not strive to live the life I wanted to live. Not regretting being unsuccessful. Not regretting failure. But regretting that I didn't try hard enough. I say this now, (and I hope I am correct in the future) but I would rather live my entire life having the goal of living my dream than settle and have no more goals. I don't want to get married and have kids at 23 years old. What goals can you make after that? Unless you have already met them. Again, I am not saying that isn't some people's chosen path. It works for some. Doesn't work for me. I feel like if I ran out of goals, (one major goal, really, with a lot of smaller ones) I would not have much point in living. Also, Deathbed Regrets sounds like it could be a good song name. Or a metal band name. I thought of it first.

Don't ever let someone tell you that it can't be done. People rarely make it because they got lucky. And I can guarantee you that almost everyone who is living out the dreams they envisioned were told by someone at some point that they wouldn't make it. I was told that I would never move away. Done. I was told that the band I'm in wouldn't last. Still going. I was told that my degree choice doesn't have a lot of job openings and the pay isn't great unless you get big. Don't care. I love it. It's what I do. It's who I am. I am not a computer science major. If I stayed with that, I might have a real job. But I would hate every day of it. I figured that out when I played Free Cell every day in C++ and made a 13 on my first Precal Trig exam. That was no typo. I made a 13 out of 100. Not because I couldn't learn it or I wasn't smart enough. It was just stupid to me. Not where I wanted to be.

So what do you do when you feel discouraged? Encourage yourself. Be your own inspiration. Set aside the fact that you can shove it in the faces of the "told you so's." You can be your own inspiration by simply reminding yourself that you haven't settled yet. You can remind yourself that you have goals. That you have hopes and dreams. And most likely, the people telling you that you can't do it are probably a little bit jealous that you still have fight in you. Think about where you would be if you decided to settle for something. Living in the city you grew up in. Hating your job. Not enjoying your relationship. How many times have you gone back to something you don't truly enjoy because it feels safe? Another suggestion. Read the stories of others. If you are a reader (you obviously are if you sift through my garbage here) I HIGHLY recommend A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers. I can easily say it is my favorite book. When you see what other people have overcome to get to where they are, you find a new perspective. Also it gives you hope. Sometimes we see don't see famous people as regular people. But they are. And they were. They were once where you are sitting right now. The worst thing you can possibly do is let other people tell you that you can't do something. Keep in mind...they are not you. The only reason they are telling you this is because they don't have (or never had) the guts to do anything like that themselves. Be your own inspiration. Whether you have someone supporting you or not. When it all comes down to it, you aren't doing it for them. You are doing it for you. Only you can tell you what you can do. So listen to yourself. I just typed you too many times. Enough times for me to question whether or not it is a real word. It can't possibly be spelled that way...

The road is rarely easy, but it doesn't have to be painful. And if you are someone who has settled in any way and want to do something about it...leave. Leave whatever you are doing. It's a lot easier than you would think. Get out. Go somewhere. Do something. Even though I haven't made it anywhere, I have gotten closer to my goals. And that feeling alone was worth taking a risk. So do it. Take a risk for once. Don't settle because it's comfortable if you don't like where you are. Leave. Inspire yourself.

update from the new house.

Whew. Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Moved to Nashville. So that's pretty cool. I'm working a lot. Trying to pay off student loans. So I haven't had much time to think about stuff. I do have some interesting things that will be coming soon. At least I think they are interesting. Trying to start reading again. I'm halfway finished with They Shall Know Our Velocity. Another Dave Eggers book and equally as impressive as A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius. Except fiction. That's about it. Just thought I would let you guys know I am still alive. And that I don't have much to say.

I am absolutely scared to death right now. I need your prayers. This is the biggest step I have ever taken in my entire life. Goodbye Alabama.