I'm only a man

Life lesson: you are going to screw up. Mistakes are inevitable. Conflict will arise. I am composing a step by step guide on how to deal with mistakes. Because I have made many. Therefore, I am qualified. You see, guilt plays a major factor in the way we live our lives. And it is there for a reason. Removing the feeling of guilt means you have dealt with issues accordingly.

Step one. Own it.
This is the hardest one. So often I've found myself searching for scapegoats or loopholes to get myself out of something I have done. Don't place blame. Don't look for another way out. Step up. This will make the rest of the process a lot easier.

Step two. Seek forgiveness. Find those you have wronged and repent. If you are religious, include your god. The most important part of step two is making sure step one is complete. Insincere apologies are easy to spot. Insincere forgiveness will ensue. Depending on the character of the person, you might receive none at all. This step is the hardest because sometimes forgiveness won't come easily. Not everybody is equipped with the grace that is necessary. But doing your part is a major step in the process.

Step three. Forgive yourself.
For the longest time, this seemed like the dumbest concept to me. Almost like a cop out. "Well I forgive myself, so I'm ok with what I did." Not the right way to look at it. Forgiving yourself involves being aware of the transgressions and fully understanding the impact that you have made. Also, you must be sincere in your remorse. But you have to forgive yourself. That is the only way to get to step four. The only way to get there.

Step four. Learn.
Learn from your mistakes. This is a common lesson in life. But, going back to step three, is impossible to truly accomplish without the past three steps. You will never learn if you don't own your mistakes. You will never learn if you don't seek forgiveness. And you will never learn if you don't forgive yourself. Now, there is knowledge you can gather without the three previous steps. But not the knowledge necessary to avoid the mistake again. By owning a mistake, you learn that getting to the next step is much easier and quicker than trying to make excuses and lie. By asking for forgiveness, you learn how to be graceful towards other people when their trespasses affect you. By forgiving yourself, you have lifted a burden that might be heavy enough to stop you from moving on to this step. You can now revisit the mistake and take notes on how to avoid the same thing in the future.

Step five. Understand the difference between forgive and forget.
Huge difference. Some mistakes will linger for a lifetime. If you have wronged someone, they might never forget it. But the steps above will make it easier to live. Forgiving is seeing that someone is sorry for their actions. Having mercy and grace. Understanding that they never truly meant any harm. Understanding that mistakes are a part of life. That we are all human. That is forgiveness. And a key part of life. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. And as the person that made the mistake, you must realize this. And you must not push anyone to leave it in the past. This is only up to one person. And it's not you.

If you have been thinking of mistakes you've made and people you've wronged while reading, think about this. As I said in step four, how have you reacted to people that have wronged you? When you've made a mistake, how starved were you for forgiveness? Someone close to you will make a mistake. And you have to put yourself in their shoes. You have to forgive. I am so blessed and so lucky to have the friends that I have. I've done so many things wrong and received so much grace and love. My only hope is to be able to repay them in the same fashion. Grace is contagious. We are all human. We will all make mistakes. We will all fall. We will all die. Some will die with guilt. Others with grace. The choice is yours. Seek forgiveness.

-mwb

So here's my number

It's been a while. Mostly due to a water damaged MacBook Pro. I have no keyboard. And to be nice, using blogspot via iPhone is garbage. Get with the times. Anyway, I've decided to update from my phone. So excuse any misspellings or weird things. I am not proof reading.

Something happened today that hasn't happened in years. Over 6 years. For some reason, catalyst unknown, I became aware that I desire to love more than I fear it. I'm talking girlfriend love. Not "I love you dude" love. If I met the right girl right now, I could do it. And I would be ok with it. When all I've done for the past 6 years is fear the outcome.

I was really diving into some Lydia lyrics today. He apparently had a relationship with many ups and downs. The same girl and the same month (December) appear on 3 albums. My past way of thinking was that I didn't want a relationship to end so badly that it takes years to get over it. But after reading lyrics from Lydia, and also The Format, I can't help but imagine that they were worth it. So much passion and love. So many deep thoughts and feelings. If one person can have these passionate feelings for another 4 years after the relationship ended, imagine what it felt like during the relationship. Imagine the feelings that they had for one another. It's hard for me to. Because I always look out for my future. Never the present.

I've had my heart broken once. And it was awful. But that was 6 years ago and I was young. We started dating in high school. This was when I didn't know better. I would use the word immature, but I still laugh at farts. So...that's not quite the right term. I would say naive. And I have felt feelings, however brief, for other people that were stronger than that relationship. And I've been afraid. So any feelings were quickly shut down. I am a pro at that. If I feel any emotion that might negatively effect me at some point, I get it out of my head.

I base this upon what? The fact that I got my heart broken by a girl I should have never loved? When I didn't even have the slightest grasp on what love is? When I only dated her because she was popular, I was a nerd, and she came up to me first? This is what has defined me. But I am done. I'm done remembering the past. I'm done worrying about the future. I just want to live. And I want to be open to love. And if I do meet a girl, and I do fall in love, and she does break my heart...I will have plenty of material for a side project. Hopefully 3 albums worth.

I'm not afraid to love. And I hope that doesn't change before I meet the perfect person to fall in love with. So if you're out there...call me. Maybe.

-mwb

Dismantle. Repair.

How often do we trick ourselves into believing something? I wonder that right now. How many times do we try so hard to believe we think a certain way, it actually seems to become truth? What's the difference between perception and truth when it comes to the things that you, and only you, think? Is there a difference? I'm about to ask a lot of questions and answer none of them.

To find the origin of these questions, we must rewind six years in my life to the point where I had my heart broken. The only time in my life where I have felt that way. To cope with her moving on, I convinced myself that I no longer cared about anything she was doing. In hindsight, what a terrible thing to do. But I did what I felt I had to. Tonight, I realized that I do still care. And I probably always will. But it's too late. The damage seems to be unrepairable. For the first time in six years, I've realized that I completely convinced myself otherwise. To me, I did not care about anything. Friends would update me and I would shrug it off. Good for her, I would mockingly say. I truly had myself persuaded that I had no interest in this girl. Judging by the way I feel now, I feel like that is false.

Back to my main point. What is real in our own personal lives? Where do our beliefs come from? To the Southern Baptist who grew up in a church, why do you believe in God? Have you just convinced yourself that he is real to fit in with your upbringing, or do you have other reasons? Why do we dislike certain music that others love? What makes our opinions particular? Do we cope with things in our life by somehow convincing ourselves to think and believe in a certain way? I think we all do. All this begs the question...what is real? I believe we will never find the answer to that. Only clues. And clues, not answers, will drive your entire life. What an odd way to look at things. But to say life is odd would be an understatement. We will never figure it out. But we will die trying.

-mwb

A Machine Where My Heart Once Was...

I am still baffled by this whole "dating" thing. Either I'm the only one who understands it, or I'm the only one that doesn't. Sheesh. Girls be cray. Just kidding. Nothing crazy has happened. And no particular girl has been crazy. Just thought I would let that be known. So maybe I need somebody to explain it to me. Here's how I feel right now. Let me preface this by saying I've felt this for about 5 years now and no particular incident is the brunt of this post. I feel like I can't even begin to wonder if I really like a girl or not without breaking her heart if I don't. And that scares the hell out of me. Because I hate it. I want to be a good guy. I really do. But in order for me to get to know a female, I must spend time with her. And when I spend time with her, she is going to think things are going farther than I do because that's naturally how the female mind works. All this assuming she is indeed attracted to me in some way. Problem is, I don't know when the cutoff is. When is the point where you are supposed to know? Are you supposed to know right away? Does it take a while? How long is a while?

I think I got messed up in high school. I dated a girl from when I started until the end of my first year of college. I never learned how to properly date a girl because I didn't have to. My normal life philosophy is "just go with it" but that doesn't work. But the thing I hate the most, setting a line or a specific point, doesn't work either. Because I don't know where that line is. I want to end up with the girl that is perfect for me. Not a girl that works. Not a girl I can deal with. She has to be perfect. Because if she's not, I'd rather just stay single my whole life. Sometimes it takes a little while for me to figure that out. Sometimes, longer than others. Sometimes, too long. And that's when I look like the bad guy.

So please, girl out there that's right for me. I need you to come find me. And tell me not to worry about breaking you heart later because it won't happen. And if it does, you won't mind it and you will completely understand. For now, I'm just going to grow a mustache or something so I don't attract females. I don't think I can handle the pressure. Gotta turn that swag down. Maybe I just need a girl to break my heart again.


Swag.
-mwb

Solitude is bliss

I have one question. For myself, but also for the simple purpose of setting the tone for the rest of this post because I couldn't think of a better introduction. Here is that question. Why do I enjoy solitude?

I live with my three best friends. I love them all. They are very dear to me. But I realized today that, other than being in my car, bathroom, or asleep, I'm constantly surrounded by somebody. When I was in college I would go entire days without seeing a single human being. For some reason, I thrived off of that. Is this a bad thing? Sounds like it should be. We are meant to interact and mingle. Share our thoughts. I enjoy being by myself.

That being said, I once spent 5 days in total solitude while housesitting for my aunt and uncle. They had a bunch of stuff in the house. A grand piano, guitars, a pool table, and a gym. I was miserable by the 3rd day. I went to the mall just to see people. That's right. I went to the mall. I hate the mall.

I guess I just need to find a good median between the two. The problem is, everyone thinks I'm a jerk if I don't want to talk. Sometimes I'm in a moment where I just want to sit there in silence and people try and start up a conversation. When I'm short with them, they try another angle. I think some people absolutely have to have some form of conversation at all times. I am quite the opposite. And the people that I am constantly around are the opposite of me. It's a good fit in a way. But makes me look bad. I guess I could try to embrace social interactions. Or I could just flat out say, "Stop talking to me." But that would just be rude.

I don't really have a main point to this like I normally do. Just wondering if I am alone in wanting to be alone. It doesn't seem like anyone else I know enjoys locking the door and spending time alone while people are in the next room having a good time. Guess I'm just weird.

-mwb