Dismantle. Repair.

How often do we trick ourselves into believing something? I wonder that right now. How many times do we try so hard to believe we think a certain way, it actually seems to become truth? What's the difference between perception and truth when it comes to the things that you, and only you, think? Is there a difference? I'm about to ask a lot of questions and answer none of them.

To find the origin of these questions, we must rewind six years in my life to the point where I had my heart broken. The only time in my life where I have felt that way. To cope with her moving on, I convinced myself that I no longer cared about anything she was doing. In hindsight, what a terrible thing to do. But I did what I felt I had to. Tonight, I realized that I do still care. And I probably always will. But it's too late. The damage seems to be unrepairable. For the first time in six years, I've realized that I completely convinced myself otherwise. To me, I did not care about anything. Friends would update me and I would shrug it off. Good for her, I would mockingly say. I truly had myself persuaded that I had no interest in this girl. Judging by the way I feel now, I feel like that is false.

Back to my main point. What is real in our own personal lives? Where do our beliefs come from? To the Southern Baptist who grew up in a church, why do you believe in God? Have you just convinced yourself that he is real to fit in with your upbringing, or do you have other reasons? Why do we dislike certain music that others love? What makes our opinions particular? Do we cope with things in our life by somehow convincing ourselves to think and believe in a certain way? I think we all do. All this begs the question...what is real? I believe we will never find the answer to that. Only clues. And clues, not answers, will drive your entire life. What an odd way to look at things. But to say life is odd would be an understatement. We will never figure it out. But we will die trying.

-mwb