The Pursuit of Honestyness

I had somewhat of a revelation this weekend. And the revelation I had deals with dignity, honesty, and self love. The revelation was set off by one event, but the problems within myself date back to high school. It was kind of like a time bomb, that was hidden under years of dust and lies. This one gets a bit personal. I won't use names. Also, since some parts might sound a bit egotistical, I'll end this paragraph with a quote that I just made up. "I am awesome."

To preface my story, I will tell you why I fail at every relationship that I have ever attempted. It started with my first girlfriend, and pretty much my only real girlfriend. We started dating in high school, where the only drama that exists gets started for the fun of it. We generally stayed away from that and rarely fought or disagreed. When college started, the fighting got worse, and disagreements came all too often. No matter what happened or who was at fault, every one of them ended the same way. I apologized. Even if it wasn't my fault at the beginning, somewhere along the lines, I did something "wrong". This is a good place to intervene with myself and state that this entire blog post is not about who was wrong or who was right in any situation. It's about the aftermaths and how I reacted. Moving on. I was so content on keeping that relationship going, that I didn't care if it was my fault or hers. I just apologized. I specifically remember standing in my room, in a fight, 5 years ago, and the thought going through my mind while I'm getting screamed at is, "None of this is my fault. But if I pretend like it is and apologize anyway, she won't be mad anymore." Eventually, I couldn't handle it anymore. I got fed up with taking the blame for everything, and when I stopped...arguments never got settled. Things didn't work out.

I would like to think I learned from that. I did not. I started every relationship afterward doing the same thing. I'll admit I'm wrong and apologize. What I didn't realize at the time was the fact that I was lying to myself. It was almost like I was forcing myself to believe I was wrong just to keep a relationship going. This could be a good thing at times. With some people, you just have to back down. But when it comes to a relationship that I want to keep going, it has spiraled me downhill. Fast. In my most recent, which I will cover in the paragraph below, I decided I couldn't do it again. I had to stand up for what I believed in before I became attached in an attempt to prevent an incredibly messy ending a year down the road.

Sparing details...that happened again this weekend. But this time was different. The fuse was lit, and the bomb went off. It's just very unfortunate that the person who lit it, was someone that I really enjoy being with. I've been lying to myself for seven years. I just can't do it anymore. I have to be real. I have to know that I didn't do anything wrong. And I have to know that I am not to blame for anything. A long lost friend told me that I didn't have to deal with it. As simple as it sounds, and as many times as I've heard people say that, the effect was completely different. Instead of focusing on one person and saying "I don't have to deal with her," I heard it as, "I don't have to deal with these situations." Also, the phrase, "You're better than this," also came into play. It always seemed inevitable to me. Like I didn't have a choice. If I wanted friends, I had to sacrifice. But right then...on the steps outside of Tut's (I think I'll claim to be the only one to have a real life changing moment on the strip in Tuscaloosa at 3AM)...the revelation came. A relationship is all about sacrifice. Anyone who has been in one knows that. If I don't like a movie, I'll watch it with her if she wants to. If she wants to go to a ballet, I'll go with her. If she wants me to stay home with her instead of hang out with friends for a night, I could even do that. What I realized that I cannot continue to do, is sacrifice my beliefs. I cannot spend the rest of my life with someone, no matter how great they might be, and go to sleep at night knowing that I am lying to myself. And also...I AM better than that. I like to think of myself as a caring person. I can name 30 people that I would gladly take a bullet for. Right now. I think of other people before me in almost any situation. But sometimes, I feel like I'm being seen as a bad guy that doesn't care and mistreats people. If I was doing something along those lines, I would feel awful about it, and apologize. For seven years, even if I had no blame, I felt awful and apologized. Just because I thought that was the only way to make something work. I made myself believe that I wronged someone else. It finally got so ridiculous, that I snapped. I'm done being the bad guy when I deserve better.

So right now. At this point. I don't care anymore. If a relationship fails, it fails. But in the end, I have my dignity. I have to learn to love myself before I can love others. If I'm with someone that can't grasp what I'm saying, it's not worth it. If someone comes along that does, it will be that much better. A relationship is all about trust. If I'm lying to myself, how can I trust what I'm doing is right? How can I trust anything she's doing? One of the most important things to me is honesty. Without that, there is no relationship. Anyone who knows me on a personal level knows that I try as hard as I can not to lie. If you want an answer, I'll give it to you. I don't cut corners. I don't try and get around a point. If you did something to offend me, I will tell you. If I did something that offends you, I'll tell you and take responsibility. I don't like miscommunication. What, spell check? Not a word? I'm pretty sure it is. Continuing...miscommunication and ignorance come from dishonesty. If the truth isn't out there, opinions form into our own self made truths. I can't sit back and let an opinion become actuality because I'm to scared to put a relationship on the line. That's what I did. I stood up for myself. If she never talks to me again, it might suck for a while. But knowing that I did the right thing for myself cancels all of that out. I don't know how. It just does. For the record, I'm hoping she does talk to me. I'm hoping she realizes where I'm coming from. But whether she decides to accept it or not, I have no control. I'm not looking to lose a friend, or make someone feel like a horrible person. I'm looking for understanding.

I will end with a list of things I learned this weekend.

-I am truly happy when I don't sacrifice my beliefs in order to artificially create happiness
-I love the person I turned out to be so far
-I need to get my own life straight before I share it with others
-City Cafe is cheap. But they get you with the drink
-Being happy with myself has given me hope
-I have a lot more to learn about myself
-I find peace when I stop hating myself
-Real friends tell you the truth, painful or pleasant
-Artificial friends tell you either what you want to hear, or what they want you to believe
-Terrance Cody is a beast
-That void that I constantly have...the hole in my life...that one thing keeping me from peace...can be filled by the way I react to what the world brings to the table. It can be filled by being reminded that I can choose to be happy or not. I can decide if I want to let something bring me down or not. And most importantly...it can be filled by knowing that I am being true to myself