Exploring the Infinate Abyss

Wow. Life is busy lately. I haven't even watched Garden State this month. I'm either working at FAME, going to school, delivering pizzas, or mixing. Alone time is very rare. Also, blogs have been lacking. So here we go. I've been in college for about 5 years now. I rarely get the chance to go back and visit the family. And I've never had much of a problem with that. Until right now. And I have no idea why. I'm homesick. Even though I don't call Madison home anymore. It might have a lot to do with the fact that within a 5 year period, Toph went from an enemy to a best friend. He then moved out here to go to school, but decided things would be better off if he were at home. The truth is...I miss him. Terribly. I'm not normally one to do that. I don't really know how to deal with it because I don't often feel this emotion. But hey...at least I'm starting to feel again. Even if it is pain.

I think my main problem is that I hate change. Also, I hate the fact that I hate change. It's a paradox of sorts, I know. But I can't change it. Which brings me to my main point. Everyone keeps asking me what I'm going to do after I graduate in May. Honestly...I have no clue. But I keep saying I'm going to get the hell out of here. I'll say that to everyone that asks, but inside I'm scared to death. I don't like meeting new people. I don't like being unfamiliar with my surroundings. I don't want to move. But I have to. For my own good. I feel that if I move somewhere other than Alabama, I can get a completely new perspective on life. I'll be forced to participate. I'll be forced to make new friends. Mainly...I'll be forced to live. I'm not living right now. I'm going through the motions. Getting from A to B just to go from B to C. If I live my entire life like that, I feel like it would be a complete waste. I want to go from point A to infinity. I want endless possibilities. I want to wake up every day knowing that I am in control of my destiny and that my destiny can be of my choosing. I want to feel infinite.

That being said, I'm going to move. Hopefully far away. Maybe Portland. Maybe Seattle. Maybe Chicago. Maybe just Nashville. But I'm moving. I'm dropping my life. Starting something new. But I need support. I need people to tell me it's going to be ok. I need reassurance. Because I can't do this on my own. Even though that's the whole point. Irregardless (joke...I'm aware this is a nonstandard) I know I'll never be alone. But it still scares the hell out of me.

I'll end with a quote from one of my favorite songs.

“It might be a quarter life crisis or just the stirring in my soul. Either way, I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdict-less life. Am I living it right?”