I thought that would be a good title. Really has little to do with this post. So I'll include a subtitle.
"That one time I found out I despised organized religion"
Let it be known that I didn't start worshiping Satan. And in actuality, my life didn't really change. I just stopped trying to claim a religion. I still had a sense of right and wrong. I still tried to be a good person. I was basically an agnostic. I wanted to find God, so I started looking. I was having a few drinks with an atheist friend of mine and, knowing I had come from a religious background, asked me, "So why do people call themselves Christians and then drink, smoke, cuss, and commit other sins and then say it's ok because God forgives them? In that case, what's the point? If you're just going to be forgiven, why even bother with trying to be good?" I was speechless. That was never covered in my Sunday school classes. I started to think hard on the question and realized that I grew up in what seemed to be a mess of contradictions. I was taught not to sin, but if I did I'm forgiven. I was also taught that every sin is equal, so was drinking a beer as bad as murder in God's eyes? Then I posed the whole "Is drinking a sin" question. I mean, Jesus drank. They partied at weddings and stuff. He even secretly turned water into wine before his time for miracles because they ran out. There are bible verses saying drunkenness is wrong, then there are others that say alcohol is good. More to come on this in the final blog.
So that question burned in my head for a while. I decided to start reading the bible. Unbiased. Just read it like I'm reading it for the first time. I fell in love with the literature. It is truly a beautifully written book. I started with Revelations because I wanted to figure out more about the end of the world. It's actually very fascinating. I don't know how anyone will be able to witness all of these things without losing control of their bladder and/or bowels. Then I started spot reading. I would look through the index for something interesting and read up on it. After not getting far with that, I just started picking books. One that fit my bill was Ecclesiastes. Here is probably the richest and wisest king of all time, saying the same things that I've been thinking. It was the only part about Christianity that made any logical sense to me. No matter how much money we have, how many friends we make, or how much junk we have, none of it matters when we die. It's all vanity. I love pessimism.
Onto the next big event that made me hate religion. A preacher came to campus and basically told everyone they were going to hell. He said that he no longer sins. Just sat there all day judging people on appearance alone. Calling girls sluts for wearing shorts. No grace. No love. Just the repeated use of the H E double hockey sticks word. I stood in the back for a while and just watched the scene. Gay people were making out in front of him. People were shouting at him. People were getting angry. It was a judge fest from both sides. Youth pastors were going up to the front saying this guy was wrong, then the preacher would tell the youth pastor he was going to hell. Is this the religion I'm supposed to associate myself with? Has he ever saved one person? Has anyone ever said, "Hey, that stuff you said about me being a hopeless sinning whore that is going to hell...it really hit home. I want Jesus." Around the same time there was a group of so called Christians that would protest at soldiers funerals. They would hold signs and celebrate the fact that another soldier was dead. So let me get this straight...the guy who fights for your freedom to do just this is a sinner? This same group wanted to protest the funeral of an Auburn student who was murdered. Because apparently if you go to a secular college, you are going to hell. This made me extremely angry and sad. How can people think like this? How can they worship the same god I do? There is no way that these people can be right, yet in their own hearts and mind, they are. I couldn't imagine God smiling on people like this. The biggest question going through my mind at that moment...how can I be part of a religion that fights within itself the way this one does? I haven't done my research on this, so correct me if I'm wrong. But is there any other religion out there that has so many different sects? The street that I live off of has at least 11 churches on them. Most of them are different. Who is right? Is anyone right? Technically...every religion is just a glorified guess.
So these events brought upon even more unanswered questions. If I love God, do I have to do that? Are these people even Christians? No one goes without sin. So how come this guy is up there saying he doesn't? Why am I going to hell for having a beer, but this guy is clear even though he is constantly judging people and claiming to be sinless, which is a sin in itself? I needed answers. I was done with being oblivious and just trusting that I was doing the right thing. I wanted something to back something else up. I wanted to know why one group of Christians say it's wrong to do this and another says it's wrong to do that. So began my quest to find some kind of truth in what seemed like a huge cluster of nonsense and stupidity. This is the last blog of asking questions without answering them. I went to the root of the problem, which I will explain in my next blog. I started at the base and started researching Catholics vs Protestants. I wanted to know why the Catholic church was so big, when the bible more accurately describes a Protestant setting. If you've never done this, or heard much about it...you're going to want to read this next post.
4.8.10
Part 2 - Friends, Acquaintances, and the girl upstairs
School started again. My younger friends from high school were all with me, and I was living with one of them. The drinking started again, but nothing like the low point drinking. Just casual, good times drinking. That was probably the most fun year of my life to be honest. I had good friends, and life was good. I was still trying to get the girl back. Like a dummy. So I was still going to church, but I hated it more and more every time I went. We were still friends. We hung out. Hooked up a few times. It didn't help that she moved in next door. I don't know what the odds were, but seriously? Tell me you've had it worse when your girlfriend of 3 years breaks your heart then moves in next door. Ok. There are a lot of worse things. But that was pretty bad. I mean, my roommate's closet connected to hers. She would call me at 2 in the morning and tell me to turn the music down. So I would start playing drums. I was such a good friend. Regardless, she was a good friend, and a good person. But we started going separate ways. She hit a huge religious point and made new friends. Became a Jesus freak for the lack of a better term. Conversations turned into how bad my life was. I needed to branch out. I needed to make new friends. My friends were bringing me down. I need to change. So I did.
My first order of business. Buy a polo shirt. Copy the other kids. I want to fit in. Second...buy a pair of jeans. The dickies and t-shirt look wasn't cool anymore. Nor was skate shoes and shorts with high socks. The ones with the two stripes at the top. Get some flip flops too. I met a bunch of new people. I only liked two or three of them, and I still keep in touch today. So now I have a bunch of acquaintances. Mr. Popular over here. Getting those Facebook friends. This is way too much work to impress a girl. Much less, one that moved on a long time ago. I absolutely hated it. I hated smiling all the time. I hated forced conversation. If I don't have anything to say, I'm not going to say it. When I'm walking to class and pass someone I know...I go with the casual nod. Maybe a quick what's up for a quick what's up in return. I hated the following conversation when I'm trying to get somewhere. "Hey, how are you?" "I'm good, how are you?" "I'm good." We just accomplished nothing. What was the point of that? Even if I told you how I really was, would you care? Would you think about me 10 seconds after you walked away? If the thoughts were mutual, you would not. I realized that the friends I already had were my real friends. They didn't care how I dressed, who I prayed to, or whether or not I went to church. Why do I need to branch out and make new friends when the ones I already have are good friends? Why force relationships I neither want or need? The relationship with my ex-girlfriend was starting to feel more and more one way. So I stopped making attempts at friendship. The two in the morning shut of your music call would be the only conversation we had. Proving that she wasn't a friend anymore. Only an acquaintance.
That's when I became friends with the girl upstairs. The only previous communication we'd ever had is a fun story. I think I'll tell it. They were having a party upstairs and it sounded like they were training for the olympics. So my roommate took a broom and walked around the house beating the roof. It was hilarious. I was almost crying. Then we heard a slam on the door and some incoherent screaming. I opened the door and found a note that read, "You are who plays the G.D. drums all thei time." Which only made us laugh harder. So we taped the note inside the window so they would see it every time they walked up the stairs. I know, we were so hilarious. That aside, we became pretty good friends. She showed me a different angle on life. You can call it what you will, but she showed me how to have fun and how to appreciate your real friends. I was 19 at the time and she was 22, so she was more experienced than I was. Not in the bedroom sense. Get your mind out of the gutter. I didn't fall in love, but I learned a lot. I also learned to let the ex-girlfriend go. At first I was dating her as somewhat of a rebound, but I started to see what a relationship was supposed to be. Which ultimately led to me breaking up with her, but that is neither here nor there. I realized that you can't change for anyone. Ever. You will be living a lie for as long as you change. I learned that I can meet new people just being myself. And that when I do meet new people while being myself, I don't have to change. If I do have to, I shouldn't be with that person anyway. I don't believe there is someone out there for everyone. I believe that there are many people out there for someone. Most importantly, I learned how to chug a beer. I'm just kidding. I didn't learn that until later. Comic relief.
Back to the original point. I stopped going to church. And it's not that I didn't try. I went to just about every church in Florence, and the only one I enjoyed was one that had about 30 members, most of them over 70 and the praise band was an upright bass and an organ. It was the only church where I felt like they wanted me to be there. There weren't college students just trying to be seen. Nobody saying, "Hey look at me! I'm at church!" Just genuine people who have been through it all. The best part is...I was myself. And they didn't judge me. Actually the real best part...I didn't have to clap my hands because there were only two instruments and no rhythm. So I didn't feel stupid, or left out. When it all came down to it, I was just lazy. I stopped going because I didn't feel like waking up. Sleep is one of my favorite things. Besides the sleep thing, and the latter church, I was starting to feel like church was a chore. I didn't enjoy it, and I didn't enjoy the people there. I've always heard the church used as a metaphor. As a community rather than a building. The places I went to didn't feel like a community I wanted to be a part of. The hardest thing for me to understand was how people can say they are Christians and then act the way they do. It was like someone from a community college hanging out with Harvard students. There was no grace. The love didn't feel real. I felt like they were trying to accept me because they had to. The main reason I felt unwelcome is because I was there to get better. I was there to learn. But I was treated as if I was never going to make it. Like that kid on the youth baseball team that only gets to play two innings because they have to let you. It didn't feel like they were trying to help. Only exploit my sins so they could feel better about themselves. So not only did I stop going, I stopped wanting to go. I didn't want to be part of a religion that cuts themselves off from society and lives in their own high and mighty world. This was the first impression of Christianity after I started seeing religion through new eyes. Also, I do realize that the entire last paragraph was full of judgment. But this is what was going through my head. And this is what made me not want to be called a Christian. This is when I stopped associating myself with religion.
Part 3 coming soon.
My first order of business. Buy a polo shirt. Copy the other kids. I want to fit in. Second...buy a pair of jeans. The dickies and t-shirt look wasn't cool anymore. Nor was skate shoes and shorts with high socks. The ones with the two stripes at the top. Get some flip flops too. I met a bunch of new people. I only liked two or three of them, and I still keep in touch today. So now I have a bunch of acquaintances. Mr. Popular over here. Getting those Facebook friends. This is way too much work to impress a girl. Much less, one that moved on a long time ago. I absolutely hated it. I hated smiling all the time. I hated forced conversation. If I don't have anything to say, I'm not going to say it. When I'm walking to class and pass someone I know...I go with the casual nod. Maybe a quick what's up for a quick what's up in return. I hated the following conversation when I'm trying to get somewhere. "Hey, how are you?" "I'm good, how are you?" "I'm good." We just accomplished nothing. What was the point of that? Even if I told you how I really was, would you care? Would you think about me 10 seconds after you walked away? If the thoughts were mutual, you would not. I realized that the friends I already had were my real friends. They didn't care how I dressed, who I prayed to, or whether or not I went to church. Why do I need to branch out and make new friends when the ones I already have are good friends? Why force relationships I neither want or need? The relationship with my ex-girlfriend was starting to feel more and more one way. So I stopped making attempts at friendship. The two in the morning shut of your music call would be the only conversation we had. Proving that she wasn't a friend anymore. Only an acquaintance.
That's when I became friends with the girl upstairs. The only previous communication we'd ever had is a fun story. I think I'll tell it. They were having a party upstairs and it sounded like they were training for the olympics. So my roommate took a broom and walked around the house beating the roof. It was hilarious. I was almost crying. Then we heard a slam on the door and some incoherent screaming. I opened the door and found a note that read, "You are who plays the G.D. drums all thei time." Which only made us laugh harder. So we taped the note inside the window so they would see it every time they walked up the stairs. I know, we were so hilarious. That aside, we became pretty good friends. She showed me a different angle on life. You can call it what you will, but she showed me how to have fun and how to appreciate your real friends. I was 19 at the time and she was 22, so she was more experienced than I was. Not in the bedroom sense. Get your mind out of the gutter. I didn't fall in love, but I learned a lot. I also learned to let the ex-girlfriend go. At first I was dating her as somewhat of a rebound, but I started to see what a relationship was supposed to be. Which ultimately led to me breaking up with her, but that is neither here nor there. I realized that you can't change for anyone. Ever. You will be living a lie for as long as you change. I learned that I can meet new people just being myself. And that when I do meet new people while being myself, I don't have to change. If I do have to, I shouldn't be with that person anyway. I don't believe there is someone out there for everyone. I believe that there are many people out there for someone. Most importantly, I learned how to chug a beer. I'm just kidding. I didn't learn that until later. Comic relief.
Back to the original point. I stopped going to church. And it's not that I didn't try. I went to just about every church in Florence, and the only one I enjoyed was one that had about 30 members, most of them over 70 and the praise band was an upright bass and an organ. It was the only church where I felt like they wanted me to be there. There weren't college students just trying to be seen. Nobody saying, "Hey look at me! I'm at church!" Just genuine people who have been through it all. The best part is...I was myself. And they didn't judge me. Actually the real best part...I didn't have to clap my hands because there were only two instruments and no rhythm. So I didn't feel stupid, or left out. When it all came down to it, I was just lazy. I stopped going because I didn't feel like waking up. Sleep is one of my favorite things. Besides the sleep thing, and the latter church, I was starting to feel like church was a chore. I didn't enjoy it, and I didn't enjoy the people there. I've always heard the church used as a metaphor. As a community rather than a building. The places I went to didn't feel like a community I wanted to be a part of. The hardest thing for me to understand was how people can say they are Christians and then act the way they do. It was like someone from a community college hanging out with Harvard students. There was no grace. The love didn't feel real. I felt like they were trying to accept me because they had to. The main reason I felt unwelcome is because I was there to get better. I was there to learn. But I was treated as if I was never going to make it. Like that kid on the youth baseball team that only gets to play two innings because they have to let you. It didn't feel like they were trying to help. Only exploit my sins so they could feel better about themselves. So not only did I stop going, I stopped wanting to go. I didn't want to be part of a religion that cuts themselves off from society and lives in their own high and mighty world. This was the first impression of Christianity after I started seeing religion through new eyes. Also, I do realize that the entire last paragraph was full of judgment. But this is what was going through my head. And this is what made me not want to be called a Christian. This is when I stopped associating myself with religion.
Part 3 coming soon.
3.8.10
Part 1 - I feel stupid clapping my hands
So here is part one. The part leading up to when I took a leave of absence from God. And the reasoning behind it. If you don't like reading, you should click the back button. These are all going to be long. I'm typing them out in TextEdit, so I have no idea how long they'll look once they hit the blog layout. Try not to overwhelm yourself. Take some breaks. Here's a good ole Matt Barnes disclaimer to keep everyone from getting mad. Even though the small amount of people reading this probably wouldn't anyway. The events that led up to this departure and the people involved were not the ones who made me fall away from God. They were catalysts, yes, but I have my own free will and did it on my own. There. That's out of the way. Moving on.
Without boring you with the first 17 years of my life, I'll skip to the important part. I was raised Christian in a non-denominational church, so I had heard everything you were supposed to hear. I never questioned anything out loud, and mainly hid them away trusting that my parents, pastors, and friends were right. I had a girlfriend at time I entered college, and she was around the same state that I was. I claimed to be Christian, I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, and I didn't cuss. I went to church every Sunday, and I memorized bible verses. Spending the night with a girl was a no no, and sex just wasn't even an option. I judged other people, and constantly praised myself for being a good kid and doing things right. Skip forward a few months. The girl I was dating crushed me. It was probably one of the lowest points in my life. I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't go out, I would just go to class, and go to sleep. My self-esteem was gone. I couldn't pay attention. I wouldn't do homework. My roommate had moved out a few months prior, so I was by myself. Too much time to think. Too much silence. This...was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
Sounds fun doesn't it? No. It was awful. But this was the catalyst that started me thinking. But before the thinking, I did what everyone else that gets broken up with does. I started drinking. I know, I know. Boo! Hiss! I'm such a bad kid. I also got rid of my beautiful hair and shaved it. The first night ended up with me throwing up 3 or 4 times and passing out in a hallway. Ah. Memories. Then the next morning, I threw up the Pop-Tart I tried to eat, stumbled to class, and made a 96 on a music appreciation exam. I loved it. I loved being numb. I loved shutting off the real world. The combination of alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine was so exhilarating. I started to understand why people became alcoholics. Because the false reality feels better than the real one. So days went by. Weeks went by. I was either asleep, drunk, in class, or all of the above. Luckily this stage didn't last as long as some. There was no rock bottom with my daughter videotaping me eating a cheeseburger on the floor without a shirt on. Sorry for the anti-climactic ending to that. I slowed down with the drinking and decided to go to church with the ex-girlfriend to see what this whole God thing was about. This is when the battle began.
When I entered a church for the first time after this new wave of freedom, I saw things differently. I started judging other Christians. No idea why. It just happened. Looking back, it was probably because I was going for the girl, not for God. For the first time, I didn't feel like I belonged. Everything I was used to was new to me. I think it's because I realized I had free will. I didn't have to believe in the things my parents or ex-girlfriend believed in. I was greeted by another college student when I walked in. She had a big smile and talked way too much. All I could think was...fake. During worship, I just felt stupid. I never had before. I felt like an idiot. It all seemed so pointless. I couldn't help but look around and wonder what all these people were thinking. I awkwardly clapped my hands for a song, then stopped. Clapping hands is stupid. I've always heard people say that you come out of your shell when you worship and that God controls you. But I couldn't grasp why he would make someone do something so idiotic and weird. This went on for a while. I went to church to feel good about myself. I went to win the girl back. And maybe...just maybe. Find God. I failed at all three.
So after summer hit, I moved back home and went to church with my parents. They had just recently found a new church that I grew quite fond of as well. The people there seemed real. It was good environment to be in. I felt like I was getting my life on track. I stopped drinking, stopped cussing, and stopped doing all of the things I did when I was in school. I was still asking questions. I was trying to understand the point. I never had an experience with God the way all of these people were talking about it. I said the right things. I prayed the right prayers. But I felt nothing. I was starting to wonder if it was all just emotion. I think emotion gets confused with God all the time. I was trying. I was trying hard. But mostly, I just felt awkward. I still couldn't grasp the fact that, out of all the religions out there, I was lucky enough to have chosen the right one with no research and no facts. Just faith and what my parents, pastors, and friends have told me. I just landed in the right one. Like thinking the Alabama is the best football team just because you were born there and your mom is a fan. I still didn't clap my hands during worship. I figured the drummer could keep time just fine.
Without boring you with the first 17 years of my life, I'll skip to the important part. I was raised Christian in a non-denominational church, so I had heard everything you were supposed to hear. I never questioned anything out loud, and mainly hid them away trusting that my parents, pastors, and friends were right. I had a girlfriend at time I entered college, and she was around the same state that I was. I claimed to be Christian, I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, and I didn't cuss. I went to church every Sunday, and I memorized bible verses. Spending the night with a girl was a no no, and sex just wasn't even an option. I judged other people, and constantly praised myself for being a good kid and doing things right. Skip forward a few months. The girl I was dating crushed me. It was probably one of the lowest points in my life. I wouldn't eat, I wouldn't go out, I would just go to class, and go to sleep. My self-esteem was gone. I couldn't pay attention. I wouldn't do homework. My roommate had moved out a few months prior, so I was by myself. Too much time to think. Too much silence. This...was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
Sounds fun doesn't it? No. It was awful. But this was the catalyst that started me thinking. But before the thinking, I did what everyone else that gets broken up with does. I started drinking. I know, I know. Boo! Hiss! I'm such a bad kid. I also got rid of my beautiful hair and shaved it. The first night ended up with me throwing up 3 or 4 times and passing out in a hallway. Ah. Memories. Then the next morning, I threw up the Pop-Tart I tried to eat, stumbled to class, and made a 96 on a music appreciation exam. I loved it. I loved being numb. I loved shutting off the real world. The combination of alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine was so exhilarating. I started to understand why people became alcoholics. Because the false reality feels better than the real one. So days went by. Weeks went by. I was either asleep, drunk, in class, or all of the above. Luckily this stage didn't last as long as some. There was no rock bottom with my daughter videotaping me eating a cheeseburger on the floor without a shirt on. Sorry for the anti-climactic ending to that. I slowed down with the drinking and decided to go to church with the ex-girlfriend to see what this whole God thing was about. This is when the battle began.
When I entered a church for the first time after this new wave of freedom, I saw things differently. I started judging other Christians. No idea why. It just happened. Looking back, it was probably because I was going for the girl, not for God. For the first time, I didn't feel like I belonged. Everything I was used to was new to me. I think it's because I realized I had free will. I didn't have to believe in the things my parents or ex-girlfriend believed in. I was greeted by another college student when I walked in. She had a big smile and talked way too much. All I could think was...fake. During worship, I just felt stupid. I never had before. I felt like an idiot. It all seemed so pointless. I couldn't help but look around and wonder what all these people were thinking. I awkwardly clapped my hands for a song, then stopped. Clapping hands is stupid. I've always heard people say that you come out of your shell when you worship and that God controls you. But I couldn't grasp why he would make someone do something so idiotic and weird. This went on for a while. I went to church to feel good about myself. I went to win the girl back. And maybe...just maybe. Find God. I failed at all three.
So after summer hit, I moved back home and went to church with my parents. They had just recently found a new church that I grew quite fond of as well. The people there seemed real. It was good environment to be in. I felt like I was getting my life on track. I stopped drinking, stopped cussing, and stopped doing all of the things I did when I was in school. I was still asking questions. I was trying to understand the point. I never had an experience with God the way all of these people were talking about it. I said the right things. I prayed the right prayers. But I felt nothing. I was starting to wonder if it was all just emotion. I think emotion gets confused with God all the time. I was trying. I was trying hard. But mostly, I just felt awkward. I still couldn't grasp the fact that, out of all the religions out there, I was lucky enough to have chosen the right one with no research and no facts. Just faith and what my parents, pastors, and friends have told me. I just landed in the right one. Like thinking the Alabama is the best football team just because you were born there and your mom is a fan. I still didn't clap my hands during worship. I figured the drummer could keep time just fine.
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