School started again. My younger friends from high school were all with me, and I was living with one of them. The drinking started again, but nothing like the low point drinking. Just casual, good times drinking. That was probably the most fun year of my life to be honest. I had good friends, and life was good. I was still trying to get the girl back. Like a dummy. So I was still going to church, but I hated it more and more every time I went. We were still friends. We hung out. Hooked up a few times. It didn't help that she moved in next door. I don't know what the odds were, but seriously? Tell me you've had it worse when your girlfriend of 3 years breaks your heart then moves in next door. Ok. There are a lot of worse things. But that was pretty bad. I mean, my roommate's closet connected to hers. She would call me at 2 in the morning and tell me to turn the music down. So I would start playing drums. I was such a good friend. Regardless, she was a good friend, and a good person. But we started going separate ways. She hit a huge religious point and made new friends. Became a Jesus freak for the lack of a better term. Conversations turned into how bad my life was. I needed to branch out. I needed to make new friends. My friends were bringing me down. I need to change. So I did.
My first order of business. Buy a polo shirt. Copy the other kids. I want to fit in. Second...buy a pair of jeans. The dickies and t-shirt look wasn't cool anymore. Nor was skate shoes and shorts with high socks. The ones with the two stripes at the top. Get some flip flops too. I met a bunch of new people. I only liked two or three of them, and I still keep in touch today. So now I have a bunch of acquaintances. Mr. Popular over here. Getting those Facebook friends. This is way too much work to impress a girl. Much less, one that moved on a long time ago. I absolutely hated it. I hated smiling all the time. I hated forced conversation. If I don't have anything to say, I'm not going to say it. When I'm walking to class and pass someone I know...I go with the casual nod. Maybe a quick what's up for a quick what's up in return. I hated the following conversation when I'm trying to get somewhere. "Hey, how are you?" "I'm good, how are you?" "I'm good." We just accomplished nothing. What was the point of that? Even if I told you how I really was, would you care? Would you think about me 10 seconds after you walked away? If the thoughts were mutual, you would not. I realized that the friends I already had were my real friends. They didn't care how I dressed, who I prayed to, or whether or not I went to church. Why do I need to branch out and make new friends when the ones I already have are good friends? Why force relationships I neither want or need? The relationship with my ex-girlfriend was starting to feel more and more one way. So I stopped making attempts at friendship. The two in the morning shut of your music call would be the only conversation we had. Proving that she wasn't a friend anymore. Only an acquaintance.
That's when I became friends with the girl upstairs. The only previous communication we'd ever had is a fun story. I think I'll tell it. They were having a party upstairs and it sounded like they were training for the olympics. So my roommate took a broom and walked around the house beating the roof. It was hilarious. I was almost crying. Then we heard a slam on the door and some incoherent screaming. I opened the door and found a note that read, "You are who plays the G.D. drums all thei time." Which only made us laugh harder. So we taped the note inside the window so they would see it every time they walked up the stairs. I know, we were so hilarious. That aside, we became pretty good friends. She showed me a different angle on life. You can call it what you will, but she showed me how to have fun and how to appreciate your real friends. I was 19 at the time and she was 22, so she was more experienced than I was. Not in the bedroom sense. Get your mind out of the gutter. I didn't fall in love, but I learned a lot. I also learned to let the ex-girlfriend go. At first I was dating her as somewhat of a rebound, but I started to see what a relationship was supposed to be. Which ultimately led to me breaking up with her, but that is neither here nor there. I realized that you can't change for anyone. Ever. You will be living a lie for as long as you change. I learned that I can meet new people just being myself. And that when I do meet new people while being myself, I don't have to change. If I do have to, I shouldn't be with that person anyway. I don't believe there is someone out there for everyone. I believe that there are many people out there for someone. Most importantly, I learned how to chug a beer. I'm just kidding. I didn't learn that until later. Comic relief.
Back to the original point. I stopped going to church. And it's not that I didn't try. I went to just about every church in Florence, and the only one I enjoyed was one that had about 30 members, most of them over 70 and the praise band was an upright bass and an organ. It was the only church where I felt like they wanted me to be there. There weren't college students just trying to be seen. Nobody saying, "Hey look at me! I'm at church!" Just genuine people who have been through it all. The best part is...I was myself. And they didn't judge me. Actually the real best part...I didn't have to clap my hands because there were only two instruments and no rhythm. So I didn't feel stupid, or left out. When it all came down to it, I was just lazy. I stopped going because I didn't feel like waking up. Sleep is one of my favorite things. Besides the sleep thing, and the latter church, I was starting to feel like church was a chore. I didn't enjoy it, and I didn't enjoy the people there. I've always heard the church used as a metaphor. As a community rather than a building. The places I went to didn't feel like a community I wanted to be a part of. The hardest thing for me to understand was how people can say they are Christians and then act the way they do. It was like someone from a community college hanging out with Harvard students. There was no grace. The love didn't feel real. I felt like they were trying to accept me because they had to. The main reason I felt unwelcome is because I was there to get better. I was there to learn. But I was treated as if I was never going to make it. Like that kid on the youth baseball team that only gets to play two innings because they have to let you. It didn't feel like they were trying to help. Only exploit my sins so they could feel better about themselves. So not only did I stop going, I stopped wanting to go. I didn't want to be part of a religion that cuts themselves off from society and lives in their own high and mighty world. This was the first impression of Christianity after I started seeing religion through new eyes. Also, I do realize that the entire last paragraph was full of judgment. But this is what was going through my head. And this is what made me not want to be called a Christian. This is when I stopped associating myself with religion.
Part 3 coming soon.
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