I think I am becoming a recluse. And maybe that's not such a bad thing. Except for the fact that my already extremely lacking social skills will further be diminished. But if you know me at all...I don't really care. While I'm still just as immature as I was when I was 15, sitting alone reading a book is becoming more appealing than going out and partying with friends. And I think it's because I'm trying to shelter myself from things. Which I believe is not a good thing. I believe that part of being a Christian is learning how to interact and love everyone, regardless of their beliefs. Why am I holing myself up in my room rather than going out? Most likely because I'm sick of the world. Sick of people. Sick of religion. Sick of the church. Sick of being let down, defeated, and reminded that I am lost. Meanwhile my bed and a good book is a comfort zone. It's a place where I can get away from the world and my problems. But there is not a single place in this world where you can go to get away from everything. So why spend my time trying to find it? I don't know the answer to that. Or anything for that matter. I wish I could find that one person who I could just talk to at any time about anything. And not just someone who will listen, but someone who will process it. Someone who believes in something...anything. Someone who whole heartedly believes in something for their own reasons. Everyone is so caught up in everyone else's opinions, they can't form their own. Some Christians don't even know why they are Christians except for the fact that, A. Their parents are, B. Their friends are, or C. They want to fit in. It seems as if the world is becoming so wrapped up in "fitting in" with everyone else's opinions that they don't have their own. They believe what everyone else believes. They fight against what other people fight against. They don't seek truth, but acceptance. For example Christians shun homosexuals. If you are a Christian among most churches, you are expected to hate them. Maybe hate is a strong word, but definitely on the opposite side of the spectrum from love. Meanwhile Jesus constantly talks about loving your enemies as friends. Now, this being a very straightforward example, it goes to show how naive people are today. Love might be talked about in the bible more than anything else. Don't quote me on that...I haven't memorized it. But it's talked about quite a lot. And that's probably something that the church lacks the most. Love. So simple, yet we've been conformed to dislike and shun those that aren't like us.
This is an example of why I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I'd rather sit in the safety of my seclusion than go out and watch a world of mindlessness. If the church can't grasp the love of God, then how can anyone else? If Christians don't know why they believe in God than how can I share with people that don't? But that's something I should probably work on. The world isn't getting any better. And I can't stay in bed all day. Although it would be nice. Oh and someone would have to feed me.
28.8.08
Who am I?
Sometimes I catch myself dozing off into another world otherwise known as my thoughts, and today, I thought about who I was. What kind of impact will I have on the world 400 years from now? Will I be remembered at all? Not that I want myself to be glorified in any way. It's just strange to think about.
Sure, I could write songs. People will know me by that. But paper will end up withering away, song's become outdated, CD's will stop playing. Come to think of it, CD's will be obsolete. Especially with bit depths and sample rate's becoming bigger and not capable of going on a cd. Sorry about that...my point being, nothing I do will matter hundreds of years from now. I'm not going to take over a country, or rule the world. I will leave no long lasting legacy behind.
Think about it. Name one famous athlete from before say...700 B.C. (the olympics were started in 776) can be named. If any maybe one or 2. They had documentation. They had people keeping records, yet they have been lost. The server to this very blog will go down one day. Everything I do will one day be lost and I will just be another grain of sand in the desert.
With that in mind, what can I do to make an impact while I'm alive? At least for a few years after I die, I would like for someone to be influenced in some way by something I did. I have a feeling I'm going to have to get out of this mundane life and actually do something. But there's the catch 22. I can't make an impact if I am not inspired, and I'm not inspired if I don't think I can make an impact.
Who knows, maybe I already have. I think I'm doing poorly in school, because this is how I pass the time during lectures. I might not have grades, but I'm pretty sure I can think a lot better than a lot of people.
With that being said I could go off on another tangent. About the fact that today's society is based upon academic success. That's lunacy. Someone with a 4.0 might have better work ethic because they study all the time and get the job done. But it has almost nothing to do with intelligence. Intelligence is the capacity for learning, reasoning, understanding, and similar forms of mental activity or aptitude in grasping truths, relationships, facts, meanings, etc. I might not remember what kind of star a black dwarf is, but I'm pretty sure I can grasp truth's facts, meanings and such, that actually serve a purpose in my life. And since I don't need to know what the earth is made of to make it through my life, why should I have to learn about it?
If there was a school or a major that was made just for me, it would be called Intelligence of Things That Actually Matter. It would be a combination of Philosophy, Music, Psychology, Religion, and Sociology. Those are the things that matter to me. If I could figure out what makes people the way they are, why I think the way I do, and how to spread God's love to those that need it, I will be perfectly content with life. Who cares if I don't know the weight of helium? Who cares if I know the proper way to say certain words. These classes are pointless and a waste of my life.
The problem is, society has made it such an imperative thing to go to school, get a degree in something that will pay out, and sit behind a desk from 8-5 every day until you retire. Meanwhile, I'd rather spend my life seeking truth. Seeking something that matters. I see a person that gives up on their dreams and gives in to society as more ignorant than I am. I use ignorant lightly and don't mean it as stupid or not as smart as me, but lacking knowledge in certain things. The people who have never stopped to think for one second...why am I here? And if they do, they answer it with, to do what everyone else does. If you can't think for yourself, and make your own choices, you can have the highest grades in the world and they will mean absolutely nothing.
Grades mean nothing if you don't know why you're on earth. They mean nothing if you don't see a purpose for your life. 20 years after I die, there will not be a single person that will say "hey he graduated with a 4.0" (even though I lost that one from day one). Hopefully, there will be something said about me. Something that has meaning. Think outside the box next time you're bored. You'll be surprised.
Sure, I could write songs. People will know me by that. But paper will end up withering away, song's become outdated, CD's will stop playing. Come to think of it, CD's will be obsolete. Especially with bit depths and sample rate's becoming bigger and not capable of going on a cd. Sorry about that...my point being, nothing I do will matter hundreds of years from now. I'm not going to take over a country, or rule the world. I will leave no long lasting legacy behind.
Think about it. Name one famous athlete from before say...700 B.C. (the olympics were started in 776) can be named. If any maybe one or 2. They had documentation. They had people keeping records, yet they have been lost. The server to this very blog will go down one day. Everything I do will one day be lost and I will just be another grain of sand in the desert.
With that in mind, what can I do to make an impact while I'm alive? At least for a few years after I die, I would like for someone to be influenced in some way by something I did. I have a feeling I'm going to have to get out of this mundane life and actually do something. But there's the catch 22. I can't make an impact if I am not inspired, and I'm not inspired if I don't think I can make an impact.
Who knows, maybe I already have. I think I'm doing poorly in school, because this is how I pass the time during lectures. I might not have grades, but I'm pretty sure I can think a lot better than a lot of people.
With that being said I could go off on another tangent. About the fact that today's society is based upon academic success. That's lunacy. Someone with a 4.0 might have better work ethic because they study all the time and get the job done. But it has almost nothing to do with intelligence. Intelligence is the capacity for learning, reasoning, understanding, and similar forms of mental activity or aptitude in grasping truths, relationships, facts, meanings, etc. I might not remember what kind of star a black dwarf is, but I'm pretty sure I can grasp truth's facts, meanings and such, that actually serve a purpose in my life. And since I don't need to know what the earth is made of to make it through my life, why should I have to learn about it?
If there was a school or a major that was made just for me, it would be called Intelligence of Things That Actually Matter. It would be a combination of Philosophy, Music, Psychology, Religion, and Sociology. Those are the things that matter to me. If I could figure out what makes people the way they are, why I think the way I do, and how to spread God's love to those that need it, I will be perfectly content with life. Who cares if I don't know the weight of helium? Who cares if I know the proper way to say certain words. These classes are pointless and a waste of my life.
The problem is, society has made it such an imperative thing to go to school, get a degree in something that will pay out, and sit behind a desk from 8-5 every day until you retire. Meanwhile, I'd rather spend my life seeking truth. Seeking something that matters. I see a person that gives up on their dreams and gives in to society as more ignorant than I am. I use ignorant lightly and don't mean it as stupid or not as smart as me, but lacking knowledge in certain things. The people who have never stopped to think for one second...why am I here? And if they do, they answer it with, to do what everyone else does. If you can't think for yourself, and make your own choices, you can have the highest grades in the world and they will mean absolutely nothing.
Grades mean nothing if you don't know why you're on earth. They mean nothing if you don't see a purpose for your life. 20 years after I die, there will not be a single person that will say "hey he graduated with a 4.0" (even though I lost that one from day one). Hopefully, there will be something said about me. Something that has meaning. Think outside the box next time you're bored. You'll be surprised.
10.8.08
A hypocritical work of staggering genius
This one has the potential to be long. Probably because time after time, I am reminded that I am only a man. Man cannot love like God. Man cannot even fathom the love of God. But I try. And fail. Over and over again. Speaking love on the outside, while hatred and resentment is building on the inside. This is a wake up call for me, because I thought love was something I understood. Something that I had. A reson to believe in myself.
The spark happened at the movies tonight. The people in front of me were talking the entire time, coming and going as they pleased, and obviously snuck in, otherwise they wouldn't have wasted their time and money to chat it up in the movie theater. After asking them to tone it down multiple times, they just spewed back disrespect and selfishness. I don't know exactly what I was feeling, but it was definitely not love. After I calmed down I started to see that God's love towards everyone is not something anyone else on this earth can even come close to. How am I supposed to love people who are disrespectful and hateful? How is it that Jesus loved the very people that hung him on the cross? How is it that God loves everyone on earth no matter what they do?
Let's put it into perspective, shall we? Say someone you know is filled with hate towards you. They mock, disrespect, and use you, while and constantly saying hateful things. Would you immediately forgive them again and again while maintaining your love? My answer will hopefully be yes before I die, but the way my heart is now, I have long to go.
Here is the definition of love according to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and where I stand accordingly. A popular verse, yet rarely followed.
1. Love is patient
I lack patience. I was not blessed with the ability to wait on things. I can't even play a game of poker not even involving money without getting mad because someone is taking to long. My lack of patience leads to number 8.
2. Love is kind
Although I make a meger attempt, I am not kind at all times. When being tested, probably not at all. When others are angry towards me, I am angry in return. My lack of kindness leads to number 6.
3. Love does not envy
Jealousy is one of my biggest problems. I don't even know where to start. This correlates with number 10.
4. Love does not boast
While I try to humble myself on the outside, I am a very boastful person. I can't just do something for someone else and not tell anyone. I can't win something and not brag to at least one person. This leads to the next one.
5. Love is not proud
Yet again, I try as hard as I can to humble myself, but I am a very proud person. I do not like to be wrong, and am often times full of myself. This leads to number 7.
6. Love is not rude
I was rude tonight. After asking politely for them to be quiet, I started to become rude. Most of the time I think it's justified. Maybe to our worldly minds it is at times. But not according to love. This goes back to number 2.
7. Love is not self-seeking
I am very egotistical. I will jokingly say things a lot, but sometimes it's not a joke. I have been known to put myself on a pillar and think of me as better than others. This goes back to number 5.
8. Love is not easily angered
My biggest flaw. By far. I am angered over the most inane things. Most of the time, I forget why I was even angered in the first place. This goes back to number 1.
9. Love keeps no record of wrongs
I constantly keep records of my friends wrongdoings to justify my actions. I feel that if they are doing something worse than me, I am not wrong. This goes back to number 4 because I will often boast of having less wrongs than others (although I clearly do not).
10. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth
I delight myself in evil things all of the time. I seek revenge, and do everything I just said above.
11. Love always protects
I protect myself and my own reputation before others. Sometimes this relates to number 10.
12. Love always trusts
The only person I trust is my brother. I have been broken by others so many times that I simply cannot trust anyone. Correlates with 13.
13. Love always hopes
I am not a hopeful person. The glass is half empty. I don't have confidence. Correlates with 12.
14. Love always preserves
I have to get everything above right before this is even a possibility.
As you can see, it's hard to work on just one flaw. They all have some sort of correlation with another. The only one with true love is God. This is merely a guide to show us how we should be. God does not expect us to be perfect. Otherwise Jesus would not have died for our sins because the perfect one's could still make it into heaven. But by the grace of God we are saved and loved even though we fall short.
When I take the time to find my shortcomings, I realize that I am a long way off. You cannot teach love. You cannot learn how to love. You have to realize God's love before you can even start.
Take the time to assess your own flaws in love. Is your love patient, kind, protecting, trusting, hopeful and preserving or is it envious, boastful, proud, rude, self-seeking, easily angered, and delighting in evil?
The spark happened at the movies tonight. The people in front of me were talking the entire time, coming and going as they pleased, and obviously snuck in, otherwise they wouldn't have wasted their time and money to chat it up in the movie theater. After asking them to tone it down multiple times, they just spewed back disrespect and selfishness. I don't know exactly what I was feeling, but it was definitely not love. After I calmed down I started to see that God's love towards everyone is not something anyone else on this earth can even come close to. How am I supposed to love people who are disrespectful and hateful? How is it that Jesus loved the very people that hung him on the cross? How is it that God loves everyone on earth no matter what they do?
Let's put it into perspective, shall we? Say someone you know is filled with hate towards you. They mock, disrespect, and use you, while and constantly saying hateful things. Would you immediately forgive them again and again while maintaining your love? My answer will hopefully be yes before I die, but the way my heart is now, I have long to go.
Here is the definition of love according to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and where I stand accordingly. A popular verse, yet rarely followed.
1. Love is patient
I lack patience. I was not blessed with the ability to wait on things. I can't even play a game of poker not even involving money without getting mad because someone is taking to long. My lack of patience leads to number 8.
2. Love is kind
Although I make a meger attempt, I am not kind at all times. When being tested, probably not at all. When others are angry towards me, I am angry in return. My lack of kindness leads to number 6.
3. Love does not envy
Jealousy is one of my biggest problems. I don't even know where to start. This correlates with number 10.
4. Love does not boast
While I try to humble myself on the outside, I am a very boastful person. I can't just do something for someone else and not tell anyone. I can't win something and not brag to at least one person. This leads to the next one.
5. Love is not proud
Yet again, I try as hard as I can to humble myself, but I am a very proud person. I do not like to be wrong, and am often times full of myself. This leads to number 7.
6. Love is not rude
I was rude tonight. After asking politely for them to be quiet, I started to become rude. Most of the time I think it's justified. Maybe to our worldly minds it is at times. But not according to love. This goes back to number 2.
7. Love is not self-seeking
I am very egotistical. I will jokingly say things a lot, but sometimes it's not a joke. I have been known to put myself on a pillar and think of me as better than others. This goes back to number 5.
8. Love is not easily angered
My biggest flaw. By far. I am angered over the most inane things. Most of the time, I forget why I was even angered in the first place. This goes back to number 1.
9. Love keeps no record of wrongs
I constantly keep records of my friends wrongdoings to justify my actions. I feel that if they are doing something worse than me, I am not wrong. This goes back to number 4 because I will often boast of having less wrongs than others (although I clearly do not).
10. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth
I delight myself in evil things all of the time. I seek revenge, and do everything I just said above.
11. Love always protects
I protect myself and my own reputation before others. Sometimes this relates to number 10.
12. Love always trusts
The only person I trust is my brother. I have been broken by others so many times that I simply cannot trust anyone. Correlates with 13.
13. Love always hopes
I am not a hopeful person. The glass is half empty. I don't have confidence. Correlates with 12.
14. Love always preserves
I have to get everything above right before this is even a possibility.
As you can see, it's hard to work on just one flaw. They all have some sort of correlation with another. The only one with true love is God. This is merely a guide to show us how we should be. God does not expect us to be perfect. Otherwise Jesus would not have died for our sins because the perfect one's could still make it into heaven. But by the grace of God we are saved and loved even though we fall short.
When I take the time to find my shortcomings, I realize that I am a long way off. You cannot teach love. You cannot learn how to love. You have to realize God's love before you can even start.
Take the time to assess your own flaws in love. Is your love patient, kind, protecting, trusting, hopeful and preserving or is it envious, boastful, proud, rude, self-seeking, easily angered, and delighting in evil?
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