Before you jump all over that title, keep in mind...I'm kidding.
I was reading through Genesis again to get to know the characters a little bit more and I couldn't help but think what everyone else probably thinks. Why did they do that? They knew there would be consequences. Why did the Fall even happen? God said don't eat from that tree. Eve did anyway, soon followed by Adam. Why did Cain kill Abel? He knew it was wrong, and he knew he would be punished. My favorite part about all of it is that God comes down, knowing what happened, and they still deny it. Adam and Eve hid from God. Cain said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper? When you read from a standpoint like you and I, you wonder how it could happen. If God talked to you. In person. And said don't do this. I most likely wouldn't do it. Easier said than done.
But what I began to think about was this. If I were a character in the bible, who would I be? Would I be like Adam and Eve and sin right in God's face even though he made it clear I wasn't supposed to? Granted, they are the reason that sin is all over the place now and the reason it is so easy to sin. But I began to think about it, and I already do that more times than I can count in one day. Would that be my legacy? Remembered as someone who sinned against God knowing good and well the consequences, or the rewards if I didn't. They had paradise. Whatever they wanted with the exception of the Tree of Knowledge. We blame them for all of the sin and imperfections in life, but would we have been so different?
Think about it. I'll use a commandment. Thou shalt not covet. Can you make it through a day without seeing something of the world and saying, "I wish I had that." It doesn't sound like much of a sin, but every sin is equal. Murder and jealousy are both sins. Equal sins. So are we any better than Cain? Are we any better than Judas, who sold Jesus to the chief priests? We see these people as the worst of the worst. The ones bad enough to write down in history forever. We tell ourselves we would have done otherwise. We look down upon Peter for denying Christ three times, but would we have been different? If your life was at stake, would you have done the same thing?
I then realized that I was, in fact, no different from these people. I would not be a John the Baptist, or a Moses. I would fall in with the rest of the sinners in the bible. My life might not be considered bad enough to be told in a story, but who are we to determine who's worse than who? Who are we to say, I'm better than Cain because I haven't murdered anyone? Meanwhile we lust over every girl that walks by. Who are we to say I'm better than Judas, who handed over Jesus, yet we prioritize worldly things over God? Who are we to say we are better than anyone else because their sins are worse? We will all be judged in the end by the one and only true judge. Do not compare yourselves to others and think you are well off. Do not say well he smokes and drinks and has sex all the time, so I'm a better Christian. It is not a competition to see who can sin less than another. We are all sinners. We will all sin tomorrow. Period. While some will lust and some will murder, no sin is worse than another. The consequences here on earth are much larger yes, but God is who ultimately decides your fate. So why are we trying to make ourselves out to be better than others? Shouldn't we just simply be trying to serve God? The good news is, if you have a relationship with God, you are forgiven. And I thank God for his unconditional grace and love every day.
17.9.08
What if I decided to die?
I'm finishing up an absolutely great book right now called Veronika Decides To Die. To sum up the basics of this book, this girl, Veronika, decides that like has become to mundane. She isn't depressed or anything and is actually very content with her life. The problem is, she feels like she's hit her peak. She doesn't want to get older and live the same routine day after day. So to kill herself, she decides to down 4 bottles of sleep medicine. It doesn't quite work, and she ends up in an insane asylum where she is told she has one week to live because the meds messed up her heart. While she's there she finds out, "there's more to living than being alive" and slowly starts to regret her decision, against her inner will and thoughts.
Death is such a weird thing, and such a touchy subject, and therefore not talked about very often. But I know every single person alive right now, if not actually thought about committing suicide (I pray you haven't and if you have, I pray you got over that), has thought about what would happen if they did die. Would people care? How many people would be at my funeral? Would it ever be the same? But have you ever thought about what you would do, what you would think about, how your life would be different, if you knew you only had a week to live?
There's been movies made about it. Although I have never watched them, they were probably terrible. They go out and do all these crazy things to try and make up for a lifetime in a week. I wouldn't do that. If I knew I had a week to live, I would start with priority one. God. I would make sure my service was up and there was nothing left for me to do. Priority two. Family. I would go home and see my family. That's about all of it in the physical sense. But emotionally, my mind would be everywhere.
The main thing, I think, that would set me apart from other people, is I wouldn't think of what I missed. I wouldn't think of all the things I haven't experienced yet. I wouldn't think of marriage, kids, sex, having fun, or anything like that. I would think of what I could do to prepare myself for heaven. But it's so weird. How do you even do that? I know that's what I would want to do, but I wouldn't know where to start. So since I would probably fail at that, I would get all of my grudges out of the way. I would call up every person that I ever had feelings of unlove towards and forgive them. I wouldn't want sympathy or apologies. I would just like to get my own slate clean. My biggest fear is dying with feelings of bitterness towards another person. After that, I would probably just enjoy the rest of my time on earth with my family.
Think about what you would do. Go ahead...I'll wait...
...
...
...
...
Weird isn't it. Makes you feel like you would have a lot of things to do.
After I thought about my own death and the week prior, I came to the realization that I most likely won't have a week to think about my death. It could be tomorrow, it could be in 60 years. So why should I wait until I know I'm going to die before I make things right with people. Before I get my heart set right. I should be living like I'm going to die in a week all the time because who knows, I could. And what's the point of holding a grudge against someone for your entire life? Why not make things right, and be happy while you still know you have life left? Don't expect to know your time of death. You aren't dead yet. But live like you could be.
It's disappointing, really. I fail at my own logic. Because I gaurantee you that I will not be living like that when I wake up tomorrow. But it sounds so simple. At least I can try. And most likely fail. And then start over the next day. Getting one thing right at a time.
Once again...there's more to living than being alive.
Death is such a weird thing, and such a touchy subject, and therefore not talked about very often. But I know every single person alive right now, if not actually thought about committing suicide (I pray you haven't and if you have, I pray you got over that), has thought about what would happen if they did die. Would people care? How many people would be at my funeral? Would it ever be the same? But have you ever thought about what you would do, what you would think about, how your life would be different, if you knew you only had a week to live?
There's been movies made about it. Although I have never watched them, they were probably terrible. They go out and do all these crazy things to try and make up for a lifetime in a week. I wouldn't do that. If I knew I had a week to live, I would start with priority one. God. I would make sure my service was up and there was nothing left for me to do. Priority two. Family. I would go home and see my family. That's about all of it in the physical sense. But emotionally, my mind would be everywhere.
The main thing, I think, that would set me apart from other people, is I wouldn't think of what I missed. I wouldn't think of all the things I haven't experienced yet. I wouldn't think of marriage, kids, sex, having fun, or anything like that. I would think of what I could do to prepare myself for heaven. But it's so weird. How do you even do that? I know that's what I would want to do, but I wouldn't know where to start. So since I would probably fail at that, I would get all of my grudges out of the way. I would call up every person that I ever had feelings of unlove towards and forgive them. I wouldn't want sympathy or apologies. I would just like to get my own slate clean. My biggest fear is dying with feelings of bitterness towards another person. After that, I would probably just enjoy the rest of my time on earth with my family.
Think about what you would do. Go ahead...I'll wait...
...
...
...
...
Weird isn't it. Makes you feel like you would have a lot of things to do.
After I thought about my own death and the week prior, I came to the realization that I most likely won't have a week to think about my death. It could be tomorrow, it could be in 60 years. So why should I wait until I know I'm going to die before I make things right with people. Before I get my heart set right. I should be living like I'm going to die in a week all the time because who knows, I could. And what's the point of holding a grudge against someone for your entire life? Why not make things right, and be happy while you still know you have life left? Don't expect to know your time of death. You aren't dead yet. But live like you could be.
It's disappointing, really. I fail at my own logic. Because I gaurantee you that I will not be living like that when I wake up tomorrow. But it sounds so simple. At least I can try. And most likely fail. And then start over the next day. Getting one thing right at a time.
Once again...there's more to living than being alive.
10.9.08
You don't exist...
Have you ever told God that he doesn't exist? I have. Why? I'm not really sure. But to be honest, I just wasn't happy. I wasn't getting anything from God. I expected to. I was brought up to think that there was this guy who just gives you whatever you ask for. Then I hit that point in my life where I just wasn't getting anything. I thought I knew what I needed, and I wasn't getting it. But when was the last time any of us knew what we really needed. If I get that new car, I'll be happy. If I get some new clothes I'll be happy. But are we ever? The buzz from getting material things wears off in a matter of days. That's not what we need. It's what we want. But when you are naive, what you want, is what you need. I was always to prideful to admit that the new skateboard I got wasn't what I needed. That it didn't make me happy. But inside, I was torn apart for God knows why.
I really did it one day. I was sitting there contemplating my pathetic excuse for a life and I got to the point where I actually said, "You don't exist." It was to much for me to think that there was someone out there watching over me, and I wasn't getting what I wanted. Funny how some churches can completely brainwash the way you think, purposely or not. It hit me all of the sudden...you just told someone they didn't exist. How can you sit there, call someone out, and say you don't exist? I'm talking to them. I obviously believe in the existence if I say, "You don't exist." It would be different if I said God doesn't exist. But that's not how it went down. I was sitting in the bleachers of the middle school football stadium across the street at the time. I had never been scared before. I didn't worry about thieves, murders, or any other random things that could go wrong. But right then, as I said that, I was. I felt completely alone. Every noise, every shadow, everything...made me feel uneasy. I felt like God didn't have my back anymore.
How contradicting is that? I tell someone they don't exist and then feel like because of that, they don't have my back anymore. How can I say, I'm going to hell because I don't believe God exists? If you believe you're going to hell because you don't believe in God, doesn't that mean you believe in God? It sounds ridiculous. Like something you shouldn't even have to think about. But I did it. I said it. And I believed it. Or I thought I did.
But the reason I was pessimistic wasn't because I wasn't getting the things I wanted, or things weren't going my way. It's because I was letting that drive my life. All I would do is wait to get the next thing. I didn't have a real relationship with God. I had a relationship with the world. And that is what will bring you down. My plan and God's plan are two totally different things. I was not aware of that. I was under the impression that you live the life you want, and when you need God, He'll help you out. That isn't the case. Not that God won't bless you. Because He will regardless if you ask for it or not. But it's a relationship. It isn't a "give me what I want, I'll talk to you on Sunday" thing. But you have to actually establish a connection. God answers prayers according to his will. Unselfish prayers. Not "God give me money so I can buy these new clothes."
To make a long story short, I soon after realized the idiocy of what I did and couldn't take being alone anymore. I couldn't stand walking alone at night and knowing that if I was murdered, I don't know where I would be after I died. So instead of getting through life waiting for the next best thing, I handed it over to God in faith that whatever happened, if I had a relationship with him I would be taken care of. Since then, I have never felt alone again. I have never been in desperate need of anything. And the buzz still hasn't worn off because that's the only thing that I need.
I really did it one day. I was sitting there contemplating my pathetic excuse for a life and I got to the point where I actually said, "You don't exist." It was to much for me to think that there was someone out there watching over me, and I wasn't getting what I wanted. Funny how some churches can completely brainwash the way you think, purposely or not. It hit me all of the sudden...you just told someone they didn't exist. How can you sit there, call someone out, and say you don't exist? I'm talking to them. I obviously believe in the existence if I say, "You don't exist." It would be different if I said God doesn't exist. But that's not how it went down. I was sitting in the bleachers of the middle school football stadium across the street at the time. I had never been scared before. I didn't worry about thieves, murders, or any other random things that could go wrong. But right then, as I said that, I was. I felt completely alone. Every noise, every shadow, everything...made me feel uneasy. I felt like God didn't have my back anymore.
How contradicting is that? I tell someone they don't exist and then feel like because of that, they don't have my back anymore. How can I say, I'm going to hell because I don't believe God exists? If you believe you're going to hell because you don't believe in God, doesn't that mean you believe in God? It sounds ridiculous. Like something you shouldn't even have to think about. But I did it. I said it. And I believed it. Or I thought I did.
But the reason I was pessimistic wasn't because I wasn't getting the things I wanted, or things weren't going my way. It's because I was letting that drive my life. All I would do is wait to get the next thing. I didn't have a real relationship with God. I had a relationship with the world. And that is what will bring you down. My plan and God's plan are two totally different things. I was not aware of that. I was under the impression that you live the life you want, and when you need God, He'll help you out. That isn't the case. Not that God won't bless you. Because He will regardless if you ask for it or not. But it's a relationship. It isn't a "give me what I want, I'll talk to you on Sunday" thing. But you have to actually establish a connection. God answers prayers according to his will. Unselfish prayers. Not "God give me money so I can buy these new clothes."
To make a long story short, I soon after realized the idiocy of what I did and couldn't take being alone anymore. I couldn't stand walking alone at night and knowing that if I was murdered, I don't know where I would be after I died. So instead of getting through life waiting for the next best thing, I handed it over to God in faith that whatever happened, if I had a relationship with him I would be taken care of. Since then, I have never felt alone again. I have never been in desperate need of anything. And the buzz still hasn't worn off because that's the only thing that I need.
5.9.08
Seriously?
Even Paris Hilton has fallen prey to this hacker's scheme to steal passwords.
Are they serious? How scared should I be right now? They couldn't even think of anyone smart to use for this. Maybe if they were like, Bill Gates fell for it, I would be like crap man...I better watch out. Paris Hilton would fall for anything. I could tell her I had a secret cream that made her look better and she would buy it. In all seriousness, I'm really just trying to figure out why they picked her. She has a reputation for being an idiot. That's like running an ad saying, "This call was so bad, even Lou Pinella go mad about it." Or "This kid is so cute, even Michael Jackson would touch him." Seriously...who thought of that?
2.9.08
How quickly lust can pretend it's love
It's amazing how American culture uses the word love. We can use the same word for how we feel towards our parents and God, then go and use to it say how we feel about the new Classic Crime cd. Mind you, the new Classic Crime cd is incredible. However no one stops to even think before they use the word anymore. How can we have the same feelings towards an object that doesn't live, breath, feel, or love us back that we do towards our own mother? Girlfriends and boyfriends use it all the time without thinking about it. I've seen 13 year olds say it to each other. Now I'm not saying they don't know what love is, or can't be in love at that age, but most likely...they don't. My friends will say it every time they get off the phone with their girlfriends. I love you too. When's the last time they said that and actually thought about what it meant? It's just a common phrase that's being thrown around. The problem is, when it's actually the right time to use it, it means nothing.
My friends always think it's odd that I don't say I love you back. Mostly girls. Guys don't care. But they question me. They say they love me as a friend. How is that even a legit statement? You can't group love into certain categories. All love is the same. You can have priorities of love. For example, you should love God more than anyone or anything else. Second should be your parents. 3rd, your spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. Not saying you shouldn't love friends. But there is a difference in having a friend that you've known for years that has always been there for you and you will always be there for them.
I can honestly say I love a total of 2 friends. Not counting my brother. And I will name names for a first. Chris and Scott. And by love I mean, I would drop whatever I was doing and be there if they needed me. I would die for them. Unless they were asking me to hurt themselves I would do anything in the world for them. And I know they would do the same for me. That's what love is for me. I don't believe you can love someone after hanging out with them for a few times. Or from making out with a girl a few times. That's definitely not love. It's lust. And to quote Emery, "How quickly lust can pretend it's love."
Let me make a note right now that it's not that I don't care about my other friends. I do. It's just not real love. And I'm being completely honest when saying all of this.
This is my philosophy on love. If they call you up at 3:30 in the morning and they are stuck in a city 8 hours away, would you drive to go pick them up? Or would you tell them to ask their parents or take a bus? If you had a job interview for your dream job and right before the interview they call you and said their mom just died? Would you go to the interview? If you had a gun to your head by a man looking to kill them, would you tell him where they are? Or would you tell him and live? If your friend was living on the street with to much debt to repay, would you sell all of your possessions to get him back on his feet? When you are 70 years old, will you still be friends with this person? And the hardest one...if your friend was doing something to hurt themselves, would you step in and stop it? This could be anything from a drinking problem, to a problem controlling themselves with girls, to suicide. The latter being an easy answer. Hopefully.
If you can honestly answer all of these questions honestly and altruistically than you have love. If you stop for a second and say what would I gain/lose, then you do not. If you even have to think about the answer to any of those than you do not. That's what I believe. That's why I don't throw love around loosely. Because when I tell someone I love them, I am ready to do any of the things I listed above.
Now onto my views of love when it comes to girls. If a girl is reading this, just put guy in there instead of girl. I have been in love once. I know it was love because 1. I could answer all of the above questions and 2. Because she's still in my heart. It's not that I'm not over her. If I wasn't, I would have a problem I think. But think about this for me. If you have a significant other, go 6 months without speaking to her, seeing her, or having anything to do with her. Fill your life with other things, other girls, and other things that have absolutely nothing to do with her. Would you still think about her every day? It's hard to say if you've never been there, but I do. Would you still be able to do all of the things I listed above? I would. Because love is never ending. It doesn't end just because the relationship did. True love is never ending, no matter the circumstances. And maybe in a few years, this will all be proved wrong when I meet someone else. If I meet someone else, rather. But I don't believe it will. We broke up 2 and a half years ago. That's plenty of time to move on, which I did. However if she ever needed anything at all, I wouldn't hesitate to be by her side and help her through whatever she needs. Not in hopes of getting back with her. Not to make myself look like the better person. But because I care. Because I have love. Love is something you can't rationalize. I have said before, there is no mathematics to love. There is no formula. There is no eye for an eye. Common sense would say, she broke your heart, forget about her. You owe her nothing. But I common sense has no hold on real love. Love exceeds practicality. Whether she feels the same, I don't know. I probably never will. But I know how I feel.
That's the kind of love I believe in. A love that can only be given by God. Not the I love you one week, then could care less the next deal. That's not love. That's ignorance. Do not overuse love. In today's society, it is to late though. It's already overused. It's a formality now. I hate formalities. There is no thought behind them. No heart. No compassion. It's blank. Completely meaningless. Just said or done because it is expected. Love shouldn't be expected. And that's the problem.
My friends always think it's odd that I don't say I love you back. Mostly girls. Guys don't care. But they question me. They say they love me as a friend. How is that even a legit statement? You can't group love into certain categories. All love is the same. You can have priorities of love. For example, you should love God more than anyone or anything else. Second should be your parents. 3rd, your spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. Not saying you shouldn't love friends. But there is a difference in having a friend that you've known for years that has always been there for you and you will always be there for them.
I can honestly say I love a total of 2 friends. Not counting my brother. And I will name names for a first. Chris and Scott. And by love I mean, I would drop whatever I was doing and be there if they needed me. I would die for them. Unless they were asking me to hurt themselves I would do anything in the world for them. And I know they would do the same for me. That's what love is for me. I don't believe you can love someone after hanging out with them for a few times. Or from making out with a girl a few times. That's definitely not love. It's lust. And to quote Emery, "How quickly lust can pretend it's love."
Let me make a note right now that it's not that I don't care about my other friends. I do. It's just not real love. And I'm being completely honest when saying all of this.
This is my philosophy on love. If they call you up at 3:30 in the morning and they are stuck in a city 8 hours away, would you drive to go pick them up? Or would you tell them to ask their parents or take a bus? If you had a job interview for your dream job and right before the interview they call you and said their mom just died? Would you go to the interview? If you had a gun to your head by a man looking to kill them, would you tell him where they are? Or would you tell him and live? If your friend was living on the street with to much debt to repay, would you sell all of your possessions to get him back on his feet? When you are 70 years old, will you still be friends with this person? And the hardest one...if your friend was doing something to hurt themselves, would you step in and stop it? This could be anything from a drinking problem, to a problem controlling themselves with girls, to suicide. The latter being an easy answer. Hopefully.
If you can honestly answer all of these questions honestly and altruistically than you have love. If you stop for a second and say what would I gain/lose, then you do not. If you even have to think about the answer to any of those than you do not. That's what I believe. That's why I don't throw love around loosely. Because when I tell someone I love them, I am ready to do any of the things I listed above.
Now onto my views of love when it comes to girls. If a girl is reading this, just put guy in there instead of girl. I have been in love once. I know it was love because 1. I could answer all of the above questions and 2. Because she's still in my heart. It's not that I'm not over her. If I wasn't, I would have a problem I think. But think about this for me. If you have a significant other, go 6 months without speaking to her, seeing her, or having anything to do with her. Fill your life with other things, other girls, and other things that have absolutely nothing to do with her. Would you still think about her every day? It's hard to say if you've never been there, but I do. Would you still be able to do all of the things I listed above? I would. Because love is never ending. It doesn't end just because the relationship did. True love is never ending, no matter the circumstances. And maybe in a few years, this will all be proved wrong when I meet someone else. If I meet someone else, rather. But I don't believe it will. We broke up 2 and a half years ago. That's plenty of time to move on, which I did. However if she ever needed anything at all, I wouldn't hesitate to be by her side and help her through whatever she needs. Not in hopes of getting back with her. Not to make myself look like the better person. But because I care. Because I have love. Love is something you can't rationalize. I have said before, there is no mathematics to love. There is no formula. There is no eye for an eye. Common sense would say, she broke your heart, forget about her. You owe her nothing. But I common sense has no hold on real love. Love exceeds practicality. Whether she feels the same, I don't know. I probably never will. But I know how I feel.
That's the kind of love I believe in. A love that can only be given by God. Not the I love you one week, then could care less the next deal. That's not love. That's ignorance. Do not overuse love. In today's society, it is to late though. It's already overused. It's a formality now. I hate formalities. There is no thought behind them. No heart. No compassion. It's blank. Completely meaningless. Just said or done because it is expected. Love shouldn't be expected. And that's the problem.
1.9.08
People watching is fun
I absolutely love going to Wal-Mart. Not because of the low prices or friendly service, but to watch people. Every time it's the same. There's the happy couple shopping together, the girl doing all the work while the guy stands there clueless. At the beginning of every school year you see the roommates shopping for apartment supplies. Half of which they will use for a week and then just forget about. It always cracks me up to see guys getting things like toilet bowl cleaners. Honestly, who takes time to clean their toilet after the first week? Then there's the parents with the uncontrollable kids. Their kids are on the floor throwing a tantrum about a candy bar, and all they do is say very softly, "stop". And of course there is the person that looks like they live in bed. They throw on a t-shirt, hair is ridiculous, and they just kind of shuffle around looking confused and squinting in the bright light. And as I walked in today there was a woman sniffing a peach...then she put it back with her germs and breath all over it. My favorite though, is the busy, I'm in a hurry, get out of my way person. While we're standing in line they act like it's someone else's fault that there are so many people there. "Why are all these people here. Why did they come when I did. People should know I'm coming to Wal-Mart and not get in my way." This is what I imagine them thinking.
People are so interesting to me. I don't know why I'm fascinated with watching other people tick. I just want to know what their thinking. What drives them. Are they thinking about the same things I am? Am I silently being stereotyped just like I am everyone else?
I always go shopping by myself. There is never anyone else my age out by themselves. Shouldn't that tell me something? They always have a friend or a girlfriend/boyfriend with them, laughing and having a good time. But is it weird that I enjoy being there alone? I don't have to worry about being distracted and can focus on watching people. I'm not creepy I promise. I'm not a stalker. I just enjoy the fact that God made us all different.
I wonder if there is anybody else out there like me? Does anyone else occupy their time wanting to know everyone's story? I never ask though...I always just imagine what it would be. It's more fun that way. Because my imagination goes a lot farther than truth.
People are so interesting to me. I don't know why I'm fascinated with watching other people tick. I just want to know what their thinking. What drives them. Are they thinking about the same things I am? Am I silently being stereotyped just like I am everyone else?
I always go shopping by myself. There is never anyone else my age out by themselves. Shouldn't that tell me something? They always have a friend or a girlfriend/boyfriend with them, laughing and having a good time. But is it weird that I enjoy being there alone? I don't have to worry about being distracted and can focus on watching people. I'm not creepy I promise. I'm not a stalker. I just enjoy the fact that God made us all different.
I wonder if there is anybody else out there like me? Does anyone else occupy their time wanting to know everyone's story? I never ask though...I always just imagine what it would be. It's more fun that way. Because my imagination goes a lot farther than truth.
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