You don't exist...

Have you ever told God that he doesn't exist? I have. Why? I'm not really sure. But to be honest, I just wasn't happy. I wasn't getting anything from God. I expected to. I was brought up to think that there was this guy who just gives you whatever you ask for. Then I hit that point in my life where I just wasn't getting anything. I thought I knew what I needed, and I wasn't getting it. But when was the last time any of us knew what we really needed. If I get that new car, I'll be happy. If I get some new clothes I'll be happy. But are we ever? The buzz from getting material things wears off in a matter of days. That's not what we need. It's what we want. But when you are naive, what you want, is what you need. I was always to prideful to admit that the new skateboard I got wasn't what I needed. That it didn't make me happy. But inside, I was torn apart for God knows why.

I really did it one day. I was sitting there contemplating my pathetic excuse for a life and I got to the point where I actually said, "You don't exist." It was to much for me to think that there was someone out there watching over me, and I wasn't getting what I wanted. Funny how some churches can completely brainwash the way you think, purposely or not. It hit me all of the sudden...you just told someone they didn't exist. How can you sit there, call someone out, and say you don't exist? I'm talking to them. I obviously believe in the existence if I say, "You don't exist." It would be different if I said God doesn't exist. But that's not how it went down. I was sitting in the bleachers of the middle school football stadium across the street at the time. I had never been scared before. I didn't worry about thieves, murders, or any other random things that could go wrong. But right then, as I said that, I was. I felt completely alone. Every noise, every shadow, everything...made me feel uneasy. I felt like God didn't have my back anymore.

How contradicting is that? I tell someone they don't exist and then feel like because of that, they don't have my back anymore. How can I say, I'm going to hell because I don't believe God exists? If you believe you're going to hell because you don't believe in God, doesn't that mean you believe in God? It sounds ridiculous. Like something you shouldn't even have to think about. But I did it. I said it. And I believed it. Or I thought I did.

But the reason I was pessimistic wasn't because I wasn't getting the things I wanted, or things weren't going my way. It's because I was letting that drive my life. All I would do is wait to get the next thing. I didn't have a real relationship with God. I had a relationship with the world. And that is what will bring you down. My plan and God's plan are two totally different things. I was not aware of that. I was under the impression that you live the life you want, and when you need God, He'll help you out. That isn't the case. Not that God won't bless you. Because He will regardless if you ask for it or not. But it's a relationship. It isn't a "give me what I want, I'll talk to you on Sunday" thing. But you have to actually establish a connection. God answers prayers according to his will. Unselfish prayers. Not "God give me money so I can buy these new clothes."

To make a long story short, I soon after realized the idiocy of what I did and couldn't take being alone anymore. I couldn't stand walking alone at night and knowing that if I was murdered, I don't know where I would be after I died. So instead of getting through life waiting for the next best thing, I handed it over to God in faith that whatever happened, if I had a relationship with him I would be taken care of. Since then, I have never felt alone again. I have never been in desperate need of anything. And the buzz still hasn't worn off because that's the only thing that I need.