My New Surrender

This is the most recent entry in Anberlin's blog about their new CD, New Surrender...

we will all come to the point in our life where we have to admit that we
feel defeated, that something has conquered us.
we must change, not because we want to, but because we desperately
have to. we can not take life in its current suffocating state, even to
admit such desperation shows that we are feeling deserted,
wandering the barren desert,
a shell of our former selves.

it is only up from here, it is impossible to sink any lower into ourselves
or our circumstances.
but we can be salvaged, a deliverance.
no vice can stand, no fix can take.
the thorn in the side can be removed,
but you have to be willing to admit and surrender.
surrender your habits,
your lifestyle,
your past,
your present,
and your future.
this is your new surrender.
the new surrender.

Ironic how the band that has the most influence on me is making a CD that is basically telling the story of me the past 2 years. It makes me realize that I go through these things along with everyone else. The problem is, I can't surrender my life. I can't do it. I've tried so many things. I've tried to give up the things of the world that I don't need. I just don't have the will power to do it. I work harder at that every day, but I always fall back down.

And one reason it's hard is because the one person that has the most influence on my faith lives 3 hours away. I'm surrounded by hypocrisy and sin. And I'm not slamming on any of my friends by any means. Every person has free will and the right to believe in whatever they choose. But a lot of the time, I feel like I'm alone. I feel like when I slip up or fall down, I have no one to catch me. But then I'll catch myself blaming it on that, and excusing my actions because of reasons outside of my control. But that's part of the struggle. With Christians ever rapidly growing towards the minority, the struggle is harder than it ever was. Especially when I see people that seem to be so full of God judge others, sin, and get caught up in all the things I do.

Basically, I feel like I'm losing the connection that I once had with God. I feel like I'm putting God out of the way to do things I shouldn't be doing. And I can't honestly ask for forgiveness for my sins because in my mind, I know I'm going to purposely do it again. I'm not making mistakes anymore. I'm blatantly denying God. I can sit here and make excuses for it all night. I have plenty. I make myself feel better for my actions with excuses. "Well, at least I'm doing better than he is." Or how about, "I'll just ask for forgiveness later." Or my favorite one of all, "I'll get my life together someday." But the brunt of it is, I just don't have the love and fear that I once had for God in my heart. I'm broken, and defeated.

It makes me realize that I'll be fighting until the end. It makes me realize that everyone goes through the same things. Temptation will always be there. I just need to make the step to start overcoming it. Every battle won is another step closer to the end of the war. And this is the one war that I refuse to lose. Because I will surrender my life, but I will never surrender my faith. I will never stop

My prayer tonight is that I will gain the wisdom to know how to fight temptation, not on my own anymore, but with the help of God, and that I will stop making these excuses to sin.