Cell update. No computer, yet things to say. Since i can't put i title, i'll do it here, fall out boy style: thnks fr th mtvtn . As most people, i thought about what i was thankful for today. There were a lot of things. But one thing that stuck out more than anything else were the people in my life that help me get to the next day. My old friends that i've known for years, and people i have recently met or rekindled a friendship with. If you are reading this, you are most likely one of them. I have a passion in my life. I have a goal. I know that there's one thing that i want to do for the rest of my life. But sometimes i get discouraged. I feel like it's not going to happen, or it's not possible. And to be honest...there are 3 people in my life right now keeping this flame lit. You know who you are. And when i thought about it, that is what i'm most thankful for. Not money. Not health. But people that support me. Because without you, i would have nothing. I would be nothing. So this is my thank you. To all of those that have ever given me hope. To those that have reminded me that i am unique. And to those that have excited me about my life when i lose all desire. You are greatly appreciated and loved.

The Game 101

I'm sitting here waiting on a paper to be sent via email so I can combine it with mine and put the finishing touches on. So I thought...why not blog? After this, I'll be done with school for a week or two. Kind of excited about that.

So here's something I've wanted to write about for a while now. I've been around for a while. Been in college for 4 1/2 years now. Been in a few relationships. Seen a lot more. Derived one thing. It's turned into a game. Yes. A Game. Like, two sides competing to win. I grew up thinking that two people fall in love and are there for each other no matter what. I believed that a relationship was supposed to be two people that supported each other and helped each other through hard times. This is far from today's modern version of a relationship. I've learned the insides and outs of the game, and while refusing to play anymore, I will enlighten you as to what I've learned so that you can keep an eye out for the signs. Disclaimer that I feel is needed in order to not start fires: This is not about a single person or a single relationship. This is my life's worth of experience with my own relationships and witnessing others.

The Purpose of the Game: How to win.

The game has one ultimate objective: to show that you have power over the other person in the relationship. I will later discuss the many tactics and ways used to win. The basic point is to try and be "the pants" of the relationship, if you will. To be the one in control. It is no longer about equality. It's about being able to get what you want.


Conscious v Subconscious

The game can either be played subconsciously or consciously. The majority of the time, people in a relationship doesn't even know it's happening. In my opinion, the greatest human flaw is that we strive for power and will go through great lengths to get it. Some of us are overcome by a craving for power. These would be our corrupt politicians an extortionists. For most people, being powerless is an awful feeling. With this longing to have power, we sometimes attempt to establish it in a relationship without even knowing. Ever had those times where you say something, then 3 days later you realize that you meant none of it and had no idea why you said it? Because at the time, you were trying to stand firm on something, whether it was right or wrong, and didn't care. Because you wanted the power. The upper hand. It could also be very conscious. Sometimes, people know exactly what they are doing. They know they are trying to get the best of someone. And they know that they are trying to break someone down so they can come out on top.

Strategies: How to win

So there are a variety of ways to play the game. I will name a few and you'll probably get the picture. The most common form in today's world is Facebook status updates. Yea...I'm not kidding. Rather than talking to the person they are having a problem with, they will put a facebook status up. You know what I'm talking about. "So and so" thinks that some people need to figure some things out. I just made that one up, it wasn't a real example. But you get it. The second most common strategy is a game within the game that I like to call, "Guess what's wrong." This is all to familiar to most. In this, the person's communications will be short and minute. They will appear to be in a bad mood. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing". Something is clearly wrong. The idea is to know what you did wrong and admit it to them. The third strategy I will talk about is when the other person will act uninterested. They won't answer calls or texts and act like they don't care if the relationship fails. When they do. They just want to give off the appearance that they don't in order to show that they have power. Teammates also come into play. The person will get one of their close friends to validate everything they're saying and bring it as ammunition. "Well, Joqueeshia said that she saw you looking at Yolandeesha with googly eyes the other day." You probably weren't. But it doesn't matter. Because she has a teammate that said you were. The best part about teammates? They don't even have to know what's going on. They don't even have to know the truth. Everything they say is considered fact.

How To Win: The catch-22

If you win this game in the aspects that I have talked about, you will ultimately lose. I believe that today's divorce rate is so high now because of the game. Once people get married, the one who is losing gets sick of it and arguments stir up, they're too far in the game to come to an agreement, and they end up divorcing. Love loses to pride. To truly win at this game, you can neither win or lose. You have to stop playing. You have to take the knee. If you are meant to be with this person, they will realize what's going on. They will realize that they are trying to be too controlling. Here's the not so great part. If you aren't meant to be and do end up breaking up, you have to lay your pride down. They will feel victorious. Like they've won. They will probably tell all their friends about how they broke up with you because you are a jerk. They'll update their facebook status and tell everyone how happy and free they are. This is the most crucial part of the game. You can't go back. Once you quit, you stay out. You have to lay your pride down and accept yourself as the true winner. Here's the part that's good. When you do lay out, you will be much happier with yourself. You will truly feel free, and you will truly feel happy. Meanwhile, they will be happy on the outside, yet crushed on the inside. Not necessarily because it didn't work out, but because they couldn't control the situation the way they wanted to. It's kind of sad actually.

So I wrote this kind of as a humorous post. Trying to get some laughs. But this stuff is actually real. There is a game that goes on. And I won't play it anymore. You're supposed to be with someone who will help you through problems not create them. You're supposed to be with someone who will left you up, not break you down. Next time you are either in a fight, or witness a fight in a relationship, put these concepts to mind. They're real. And they're happening. It's kind of discouraging really. The love is being overcome by power and greed. I guess that's the way the world works. It might just be a case of immaturity. I hope as we get older, the game stops. Or I guess I'll just be single the rest of my life. Love is not a game. And I refuse to let it be.

White lies, bloodshot eyes

I'm in zombie mode right now. I'm basically surviving on caffeine and have a hard time showing any emotion. Or feeling any emotion for that matter. Kind of like in Garden State. Except I'm not taking pills. Just drinking heavy amounts of coffee to contradict the stress and sloth. Since I am not really feeling any emotions, this post might be more logical than raw. I dunno. We'll see what happens.

I watched an episode of Sex and the City the other day. Don't ask. Don't judge. I just did. I immediately noticed that the girls in this show freak out over the absolute dumbest things. Things that aren't big deals suddenly become blown way out of proportion just by the mere fact of gossip between all of their friends. This actually angered me. Yes. I was angered over a stupid TV show. Then I started to realize that this is a cause to a lot of problems in society today. Meaningless and stupid crap gets blown out of proportion by rumors. It gets so skewed that the truth doesn't even matter anymore. I try to stay out of politics, but this was the "cause" of going to Iraq. There were rumors of WMD's. Not based on fact or truth. Rumors. Turned out not to be true. But we have soldiers fighting over there. Whether or not they should be is not my call. This is not the time, nor the place for that. My point is that people are so obsessed with drama that they can't live without it. They will make decisions based off opinions rather than fact. I mean, we have television shows promoting drama that are eaten up. Do you think all of the drama in these reality shows is real? Of course not. It's scripted to get better ratings. Why do they get better ratings? Because people eat it up.

Our society is addicted to drama. It's killing us. Friendships are ruined. Truth no longer matters. What is truth anymore? Has it really been conformed into rumors and opinions? If I start a rumor that the color orange is now green does that make it true? No, that sounds silly. But translate it into real life and it is happening. We have developed a way to create our own truths. The simple fact is, the truth is too boring for us. Too mundane. It's almost like we have to have a grudge at all times. If everyone is forgiven, we must find more false information in order to start drama with someone else.

Are people so bored with their own lives that they have to ruin others? Apparently. The saddest thing of all? Reality TV shows are now very much real. Because our society has molded themselves to these shows. This is not how life is supposed to be. My life is not supposed to take a hit when I did absolutely nothing wrong. I am not supposed to feel like crap because of something I didn't even do. So I won't. I still know what my own truths are. I can still tell the difference between fact and fiction. I still trust people when they look me in the eyes and tell me they are telling the truth.

Do you let other people define your truth?

Or do you stand by what you believe is real?

To all the Star Wars nerds like myself...

I'm to brained out to think of anything to write. So instead, I'm going to post this incredibly nerdy essay exam that I just completed. If you actually read this, which would be slightly incredible, you will see that I have seen Star Wars waaaayyyy too many times. So...here is the hero's journey as seen through Luke Skywalker in the original Star Wars trilogy.

Define in depth the hero’s journey for a single character in either of the trilogies (Star Wars or The Matrix) in each of the three films and in the trilogy as a whole.

In the Star Wars trilogy, Luke Skywalker completes the hero’s journey. In A New Hope, Luke started out the trilogy as a young farmer who worked for his uncle in his ordinary world on the planet Tantooine. The journey began when his uncle purchased R2D2 and the holographic image of Princess Leia. Soon after, he meets Ben Kenobie, his soon to be mentor who furthers the call by asking him to go with him to defeat the imperial forces. Luke refuses the call because his Uncle Owen says he must stay and help with the harvest. When Luke returns from Ben Kenobie’s house, he finds that his entire village has been burned down and his aunt and uncle had been killed. This allows Luke to answer his call to adventure due to the fact that he doesn’t have a reason to stay on Tantooine anymore. Before Luke could get past the threshold, he had to get past the guardians. The guardians in this episode were the aliens in the Mos Eisley Cantina and the storm troopers that were attempting to capture R2D2 for his information on how to destroy the Death Star. Once Luke escapes the troubles with help from his mentor, now referred to as Obi-Wan Kenobi, he crosses the threshold by leaving Tantooine. At this point, Luke is starting to discover his purpose because he knows there is no turning back. He is aboard the Millennium Falcon with his allies, R2D2, C3PO, Han Solo, and Chewbacca. His enemies are Darth Vader and all of the imperial forces. The first test he is put through is when Obi-Wan uses the remote droid to fire lasers at Luke while he wears a shield over his eyes and has only a light saber to deflect them. This is when Luke finds out how to use the force. Luke approaches his innermost cave when he is aboard the Death Star and must let Obi-Wan be killed by Darth Vader. Ben assures him that once he is dead, he will be more powerful than ever through the force. Luke is torn between attempting to save his mentor or save himself along with the rest of the crew. The reward from escaping comes when they get away with Princess Leia and the plans to the Death star. After they get back to the rebel station, they find a way to destroy the Death Star. Once they have this knowledge, Luke embarks on his second ordeal. He must get through all of the imperial fighter pilots and the lasers aboard the Death Star to make a nearly impossible shot to destroy it. Luke eventually succeeds with the help of his ally, Han Solo, and his mentor, Obi-Wan, returning to tell Luke to use the force. They then escape the exploding Death Star and begin the road back to the rebel base. It is there that Luke receives praise and reward from all of the rebel troops.
In the next film, The Empire Strikes Back, Obi-Wan gives Luke his call to adventure by appearing and telling him to go to Degobagh to train with Yoda. Luke answers the call and by embarking to Degobagh and meeting his new mentor, Yoda. The threshold is crossed when Luke crash lands into a pond and cannot turn back. Luke’s tests begin when he starts training with Yoda. He then begins seeing visions and knows that his allies from the previous episode are in peril. He approaches his innermost cave when he caves into Vader’s trap. Despite Yoda’s pleas and his better judgment, he goes to save them, leaving his training unfinished. Luke knows his ordeal and plans to face it anyway. Darth Vader has captured Leia, Han, and Chewbacca knowing that they would draw Luke to him. Once Luke arrives, he has to battle Vader. Vader tells him that he is Luke’s father, which puts Luke into another cave, and another ordeal, knowing that he must kill his own father. Once Luke escapes, he uses the force to contact Leia, who we now know is his sister. The episode ends with a return to the rebel base, and Luke being fitted with an artificial hand, which was cut off by Vader. There is no reward for Luke at the end of this episode.
In episode VI, The Return of the Jedi, Luke is on his own. He does meet a new mentor, as he is now a fully trained Jedi Knight, although Obi-Wan and Yoda are still with him through the force. The episode starts out with a test for Luke. He must free all of his allies who have been captured by Jabba the Hutt. After freeing them, he returns to Degobagh and quickly approaches another cave. He finds that Yoda is sick and on the verge of death. His dying mentor tells Luke that his training is complete and that he must confront his father, Darth Vader. Luke then knows what he has to do. His final ordeal will be to face and defeat his father. When Luke does confront and fight Vader, he realizes that killing him would only bring out the dark side in him. He cannot succumb to anger and hate and insists that Vader still has some good left in him. He decides to let the emperor kill him rather than turn to the dark side. Before he can, Vader finds the little good he has left and destroys the emperor. Luke then gains his final reward, which was the destruction of the imperial forces. The resurrection is when Luke returns to Endor with the rebel forces and joins in the celebrations along with images of his past mentors, Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anikin Skywalker.

Battle Studies. Lyrics Pick of the Album

I would like to share with you, the Matt Barnes Battle Studies lyrics pick of the album. Putting into words what I've felt way too many times.

John Mayer - Half of My Heart

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
Then you come crashing in like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you with half of my heart

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang until the day you came
Showing me another way and all that my love can bring

Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you with half of my heart

Your faith is strong, but I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
But I can't stop loving you with half of my heart

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination
Half of my heart's got you
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won't do

Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man who's never truly loved anything

I don't know what to write

I'm feeling bloggable. I made that word up. That is my current emotion. Wanna fight about it? Besides tired, stressed, and annoyed, which are also taking effect. This week is about to kill me. I have way to much stuff to do. I just finished making a portfolio of the better things that I have recorded in my lifetime, I have to finish up a soundtrack for a film that isn't even finished yet, start and finish a paper for a group project (which involves meeting with my group), start and finish an essay exam (probably at least 8 pages), watch The Matrix Trilogy in order to complete some of the essay questions on this exam, buy a book, read the book, then write a book report on it, go to a mock interview, worry about not having money, go to work to get money, watch It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia and The League, sleep at some point, have studio time with Ben Skipworth, run a lot, clean my house, wash clothes, clean my car, tweet a few times, get Toph something for his birthday, go to a meeting for my internship next semester, go to a writing center advising, and not die. That is a summary of the basic things I have to do in the coming week. Not looking forward to it. If the list doesn't look big to you then you should see my list on a normal week. Wake up, go to class, go to work, watch tv, eat, sleep, repeat. Copeland reference. If you got it, then you are a cool kid. If not, listen to more Copeland. Oh yea, I also need to shower soon. It's getting a bit ridiculous. Don't come near me until I've cleared you.

Soundtrack all week: The Reign of Kindo - Rhythm, Chord, and Melody
Book I'll be re-reading...again: A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers.

TWLOHA Day

Today is TWLOHA day. Although it was not started by any of the TWLOHA staff, I feel this is a good opportunity to share. If you know what To Write Love On Her Arms is, you might have seen this before. But if you've seen people wearing the shirts and think it's a band, you should read this. People every day are overcome with depression. Granted there are people falsely claiming depression for attention, there are people out there that are really struggling. When I say struggling, I don't mean wallowing in self pity. I mean struggling in the aspects of not knowing what to do. Not knowing how to deal with it. Turning to drugs. Turning to cutting. In the worst way, turning to suicide. Drugs and cutting are no real solution to depression. Only a short term high that will quickly envelope lives. But sometimes when you are at a desperate point in your life, you will do anything to alleviate the pain. This is what To Write Love On Her Arms is trying to overcome.

Although depression comes from various symptoms and happenings in people's lives, people that rely on addictions as an escape all have one thing in common. A lack of love in their life. They have nobody that comes up to them and shares love with them. They are by themselves. Lost. And that is both a sad thing and also a good thing. The sad being that someone can loose complete control of their life and turn to drugs and cutting because they have no one to show them love. The good news is that love is free. It costs nothing to simply hear someone out and show them that you care. I have been truly amazed at real life examples of people being touched by the love of a complete stranger. Sometimes, people just need to be reminded that they are something. Their life matters to someone else.

So what can you do? What can we do? Sure, you can buy the shirts. You can donate money. That all goes towards the cause. But the biggest impact we can make is just showing more love. There are people in everyone's life suffering from depression. Maybe not to the extremes, but nonetheless not happy with their lives. Just the simple act of caring will go a long way. If you know someone who is to the point of addiction and cutting, talk to them. Don't stand by and watch someone ruin their life. You don't even have to have great advice. Or a solution to the problem. You just have to show some love. Sure, love is not the complete cure. But it's the first step. And the most important step. Also, simply raising awareness. 2 out of 3 people don't talk to anyone about their depression. Your best friend could be in pieces right now. But they don't know what to do, or where to go, or are ashamed to talk about it. By simply raising awareness, people that would never talk to anyone might see an opportunity. Whether they see it as a chance to talk to you, or seek professional help, just simply telling people that there is help, and there are people who care can go a long way.

I am distraught over every suicide that I hear about. Even someone that I never knew and probably never would. What is worse than that is I personally knew people that have committed suicide. All I can think is...it could have been stopped. Someone could have done something. I could have done something. But no one did. No one wanted to listen. The fact that someone ended their own life because they didn't feel loved breaks me up. I can't stand by and let that happen. It's not a joke. It's not something to ridicule. It's not a time to look down on someone. It's a time to lift them up.

It’s estimated that 19 million people live with depression in America, and suicide is the third-leading cause of death among 18-24 years old. It's my goal to make an impact. Even one life would be worth everything in the world to me. How will you help change the world? How will you help change a life?

I am not a specialist. I am not a counselor. But if you are depressed or know someone who is, my email address is mattdgn@hotmail.com. My twitter name is @battmarnes. My facebook page is facebook.com/battmarnes. My aim screen name is famoussas87. Choose your option. Talk to me. I might not be good at giving advice or be able to solve your problem. I'll promise you this, though. I will listen. I will care. And I will do all I can to let you know that I do. I can also relay you to someone who truly can help. And show you some really good music that could cure you of swine flu.

To read more by people who write a lot better than I do, including the story that started it all (I suggest you at least read that)...
http://www.twloha.com/index.php

Optimistic Post. Yay

Dear random assortment of people that read my blog,

I am doing good. I am in a good mood. Here comes that good post I've been talking about. I know things are going to work out. I have that optimistic feeling again. No, things aren't perfect. Yes, I wish they were better. But I'm feeling very positive. I feel like something great is about to happen in my life.

Here is a list of things that are going swimmingly in my life right now. I have friends that care about me, I have a family that loves me, I am becoming more financially stable, I'm very close to being done with school (school is the number one most discouraging thing in my life,) the Saints and Tide are still unbeaten, the weather is nice, I'm in shape, I have somewhat of a gross looking beard growing, my car is running, my motorcycle is running, rent is paid, credit card is paid, and I am learning to appreciate the little things in life and let them overtake the annoying bad things.

Here is a picture I just took of me being happy.

140 characters aren't enough

140 characters aren't enough. I don't think there is a number that is. I feel like I need to write something. There's things I want to say. But at this point, it's useless. That's the tragedy. I've screwed up my life, which 2 weeks ago was the best it's been in a long time, so badly by one stupid outburst that I can't even contend with myself. I hate the person I am right now. This is a new low for me. How do I fix that? I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't function because I am not content with the person I am. I thought I was better. I'm not. I can't live with the person that I've become. But I have to. 2 years ago, I was different. I've changed. I lie to myself and pretend I haven't. But I have. I don't like it.

I've realized that I've spent so much time recently feeling sorry for myself, that I can't let anything happen that makes me happy. I just shut it out. It's like an internal disease that just says hey...you are happy. I am going to screw this up for you. I can't even let myself be happy. I don't know why. I can't find the cure. I can't be happy because I won't allow my mind to feel any kind of good emotions. I hope for tragedy. I hope for sadness. I thrive off of things that go wrong. This isn't who I am. This isn't who I want to be. When did I become like this? Why am I letting this take over my life?

I don't know. I don't have answers. But I hate it. I can't stand it. I want my old self back. I can't live like this.

I need a rewind button in my life. That way, i could go back to all the times in my life that i've been a complete asshole and make things right. I am a pathetic excuse for a human being. I am not worthy of preaching love. I am a hypocrite. i've hurt so many people and gained nothing but pain. I need guidance. I need help. I must learn to sacrifice. I must love myself before i can love others. I have failed once more. Yet again proving that there is nothing about myself that i can trust. I will not give up. My life is not over. Stop crying about everything. Life is not that bad, but i'm going to sleep upset every night. i'm making my own life hell. For what? Pride? well...that's gone now. I still have hope. Nothing will ever take that away. And that is something to believe in. And that is what will get me to sleep.

I ask forgiveness from anyone i've ever hurt. i'm sorry. i'm miserable like this. I hope the happy posts come soon. goodnight

Dear UNA. This is why I hate you.

I thought colleges were supposed to be there for the students. That's what they always say. We're here to make this the best experience possible for you. Oh really? Does a good experience come with paying meaningless parking tickets? How about paying $30 to graduate? Or maybe paying a $40 student health fee, then being forced to pay extra for anything else besides a doctor telling you something you could look up on WebMD? What about almost being kicked out of the University Apartments for dropping below 12 hours? Getting my academic scholarship taken away for barely dropping under a 3.0? Having to pay $5 bucks for a chicken salad made with leftovers? Charging a student activity fee when I don't participate in activities, then charging even more money for the concert that the student activity fee is supposed to pay for? Charging me for a new mane card? Because apparently they are supposed to last four years. $100 dollars for a facilities fee? What is that even for?

The thing that set this off is a parking ticket I got this morning. I've parked here every day for 4 1/2 years. There's no yellow paint and no "no parking" sign. It's in between another parking spot and a curb. My car fits in there just fine. It doesn't stick out. It doesn't bother anyone else. There is no safety threat. I paid for my parking pass. I have class for an hour. That's it. But now I owe the university 20 bucks. Because someone felt like I needed a ticket. I don't have $20 dollars to throw away. It's going to hurt me a lot more than it helps UNA. I could understand if I was in a spot that threatened the safety of others. Or a spot with yellow paint. Or a no parking sign. Or if I didn't have a parking pass and was taking the stop of someone who did. I was at an elementary school across the street. In a legit looking spot. Why are you even over there?

The truth is, UNA is not here for the students. UNA is here for our money. The higher ups are here to profit. Period. They could care less about me. They could care less about you. They are extortionists. Using power to gain money. Why do I pay these things? Because I have to. Who is going to listen to/care about my complaints? No one. The goal of public safety is to make the school a safer place. How is giving me a $20 parking ticket for no reason making us safe? I'm not feeling it. Where am I supposed to park? Why don't you use the money you're extorting to build more parking? Oh right...you guys need segways. Those are crucial. And brand new cop cars every few years. Because of all the high speed chases you'll be involved in.

In conclusion to my angry rant: when I get rich, UNA will not be getting any donations from me. I will pay money for things that need to be paid for. I will pay tuition. I'll pay the gym fee. I'll pay for a parking pass. But I'm sick of paying for crap. I'm sick of being extorted. I'm sick of my money being spent on dumb stuff. And I'm sick of UNA. Hurry up spring.

Pity Party

Here goes. This might not make sense. Typing my thoughts. Expect hypocrisy and contradiction. Because that is what goes on inside of my head.

Things I just realized. I don't trust myself. I have little faith in myself. I have to get verification for everything I do. I doubt everything I do. It's my nature to be pessimistic and expect failure. This is good because when something fails, I don't get as upset. This is bad because I normally self-destruct and cause the failure to happen. I am sinking. I feel like I'm wearing a mask every day. When I'm myself, people ask what's wrong with me. That's not a good sign of the person I really am. In a previous post I said I was content because I was happy with who I was. I don't really know if that's true. I would like to think so. But I'm a pessimist. I need to change the name of this blog to "Watch a pessimist complain and try to make life enjoyable". The truth is, I'm very happy with my life in the long term. I'm happy with where I am and what I'm doing. What I'm not happy about is the fact that I've seen too much. I've been through too much. And I apply everything I've seen happen to other people to my own life. Then try and live, scared that it will happen to me. Doubting myself. I am not other people. I am myself. I am not a failure. My life is amazing. Why am I tricking myself into believing it's not? I have good friends. I have good family. I have a life. I don't trust myself. I've come this far. What is there to doubt? The times that I screwed up. In the past. Let it go. I really need a happy, educational, and hopeful post. If anyone reads this, they are probably tired of this crap. It's kind of fun though. Writing down everything I think of. Good thing I type 75 words per minute. Even though my mind goes about 3,738,269. I made that up. It's just a ballpark estimate. If you are still reading this. I commend you. You must either care about me, or just be incredibly bored. Whichever it might be, I thank you. At some point throughout this day, you thought about me. Even if it was just now. It's hard to go to sleep knowing you don't have life figured out. But no one does. How do they sleep? Am I the only one that thinks about this stuff constantly? Why do I think so much? Why do I ask so many questions? Why can't I just let things run their course, sit back, and relax? Because that's not who I am. I will continue to ask questions. And I will eventually find answers.

Unrelated...someone buy this for me. I want it.
http://tinyurl.com/ygrjv4z

Well it's bedtime and i realized i started slacking in posts again. Therefore i've decided to waste your time in order to stay true to myself when i said i would post more. Let the rambling begin.

let's see, what happened today...oh, someone had about 40 items in the 20 or less at walmart. I kept my cool though. Work was slow. I cut my hair. It didn't turn out to be a disaster. I haven't read anything in a few days. that's not good. I feel like i'm losing knowledge. I can't drop knowledge on people without wisdom. The only thing i'm motivated to read in the bible is ecclesiastes. Other than that i'm in a lazy slump. Just don't really feel like doing much. it's not good. Paid rent today. A day late (anberlin reference not intended). Listening to A Fine Frenzy right now. Her voice is beautiful. It just makes everything peaceful. I bet she never gets angry at anything. She has that kind of voice that says hey...it's going to be ok. Let me soothe you. I would like to marry her. Someone make that happen for me.

Ok. that's all i got. First person to hook me up with the A Fine Frenzy girl wins first prize. I should probably get her name first