Pity Party

Here goes. This might not make sense. Typing my thoughts. Expect hypocrisy and contradiction. Because that is what goes on inside of my head.

Things I just realized. I don't trust myself. I have little faith in myself. I have to get verification for everything I do. I doubt everything I do. It's my nature to be pessimistic and expect failure. This is good because when something fails, I don't get as upset. This is bad because I normally self-destruct and cause the failure to happen. I am sinking. I feel like I'm wearing a mask every day. When I'm myself, people ask what's wrong with me. That's not a good sign of the person I really am. In a previous post I said I was content because I was happy with who I was. I don't really know if that's true. I would like to think so. But I'm a pessimist. I need to change the name of this blog to "Watch a pessimist complain and try to make life enjoyable". The truth is, I'm very happy with my life in the long term. I'm happy with where I am and what I'm doing. What I'm not happy about is the fact that I've seen too much. I've been through too much. And I apply everything I've seen happen to other people to my own life. Then try and live, scared that it will happen to me. Doubting myself. I am not other people. I am myself. I am not a failure. My life is amazing. Why am I tricking myself into believing it's not? I have good friends. I have good family. I have a life. I don't trust myself. I've come this far. What is there to doubt? The times that I screwed up. In the past. Let it go. I really need a happy, educational, and hopeful post. If anyone reads this, they are probably tired of this crap. It's kind of fun though. Writing down everything I think of. Good thing I type 75 words per minute. Even though my mind goes about 3,738,269. I made that up. It's just a ballpark estimate. If you are still reading this. I commend you. You must either care about me, or just be incredibly bored. Whichever it might be, I thank you. At some point throughout this day, you thought about me. Even if it was just now. It's hard to go to sleep knowing you don't have life figured out. But no one does. How do they sleep? Am I the only one that thinks about this stuff constantly? Why do I think so much? Why do I ask so many questions? Why can't I just let things run their course, sit back, and relax? Because that's not who I am. I will continue to ask questions. And I will eventually find answers.

Unrelated...someone buy this for me. I want it.
http://tinyurl.com/ygrjv4z