140 characters aren't enough

140 characters aren't enough. I don't think there is a number that is. I feel like I need to write something. There's things I want to say. But at this point, it's useless. That's the tragedy. I've screwed up my life, which 2 weeks ago was the best it's been in a long time, so badly by one stupid outburst that I can't even contend with myself. I hate the person I am right now. This is a new low for me. How do I fix that? I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't function because I am not content with the person I am. I thought I was better. I'm not. I can't live with the person that I've become. But I have to. 2 years ago, I was different. I've changed. I lie to myself and pretend I haven't. But I have. I don't like it.

I've realized that I've spent so much time recently feeling sorry for myself, that I can't let anything happen that makes me happy. I just shut it out. It's like an internal disease that just says hey...you are happy. I am going to screw this up for you. I can't even let myself be happy. I don't know why. I can't find the cure. I can't be happy because I won't allow my mind to feel any kind of good emotions. I hope for tragedy. I hope for sadness. I thrive off of things that go wrong. This isn't who I am. This isn't who I want to be. When did I become like this? Why am I letting this take over my life?

I don't know. I don't have answers. But I hate it. I can't stand it. I want my old self back. I can't live like this.