This was going to be a tweet, but it's too long. So now it's a blog post. I think I can honestly say that this is the best chorus to a song that has ever been written. I can't name a favorite song. Or even a favorite band. But i have a favorite chorus. It might sound familiar since i have mentioned it before.

it's a fight between my heart and mind, and i don't want to win this time
In the epic fight of grace and pride, no one really wins this time
-copeland - no one really wins

I think my heart and mind conflict more than auburn and alabama fans. And my grace and pride even more than that. Who wants a Star Wars reference? Ooohh i do!

In Star Wars, Luke overcomes the dark side with his heart rather than his mind. He eventually brings Vader back with feelings rather than logic. When he uses logic in The Empire Strikes Back in an attempt to win, he gets his hand cut off. I like my hands. And the synthetics now just aren't as good as they were back then. And far far away.

I just don't want to win. I don't want conflict. My mind doesn't like my heart. I want to know what i'm supposed to do. I want to know what's right. But what i do know, is that in the midst of my conflicts, i will gain wisdom and become a better person. As far as grace and pride. they'll be fighting until i die. But i hope grace wins. And keeps pride in a headlock until it does

Good morning fire eater...

So, I don't have much to talk about. Just letting everyone know I'm still alive. The reasoning behind not having much to talk about is most likely due to shutting off my brain. It's been relaxing. Taking a break from normal life is a very good thing. Especially if you take a break from your normal life, and vacation to an older normal life. It's cool to have a group of friends that I can just pick up where we left off. Those are the ones that I know I'll be friends with the rest of my life. And poop, fart, and wiener jokes are still just as funny now as they were when I was 6. I don't even wonder when I'm going to grow up anymore. Because I decided I wasn't going to. When I'm 50, I hope that my friend will let out a fart that sounds like a muted trombone mixed with pop rocks and we'll laugh for an hour. I just don't want to take life too seriously. Do you think anyone in the country actually thinks farts are not funny? Or when someone falls down stairs? No, that stuff is hilarious. But people that take their lives too seriously forget how to laugh. That's what I don't want. I'll grow up if that means gaining wisdom, drinking darker beer, and paying a mortgage. But not if it means sacrificing who I am. Not if it means I can't laugh at youtube videos of fat black women falling off a table.

But then after thinking about this...what defines humor? When I was 8, I thought All That was hilarious. Then I grew out of it and started watching Saturday Night Live. All That just wasn't funny anymore. Or I wonder how one person could think a movie, let's say A Christmas Story, is in the top 5 funniest of all time. Meanwhile someone else absolutely hates it. Or a foreign girl gets hit by a car. She's ok, no injuries. I laugh. The man in the car next to me is freaking out calling 38 ambulances and 19 fire trucks to check on her. Maybe I will grow out of this 12 year old humor stage. I hope not. Because It's awesome.

I laugh when people fall down stairs.

Hello people that read about me. By now, you're probably wondering...will this be a serious rant about my seemingly awful life or something humorous? i'll try and go with the latter. I don't have much to complain about. But i'm not really feeling funny. So maybe i'll go halfway. i'm going to try and go christmas shopping tomorrow. Which is better than last year's christmas eve procrastination. All of my attention will be focused on not saying or doing something that i might regret. Examples: choking the woman in front of me using 30 coupons and not understanding what you can use only one means. Or simulating a game of red rover by crashing through the line of people that feel like walking through the mall as slow as possible. Or slashing the tires of the car that blocks traffic to wait for the person to walk from the store to their car and leave so they get a better parking spot. I will never do these things. Only think them. Which is why they are on here.

Other news...dgn starts practice tomorrow. The saints lost today. Pretty upset about that. There is a lot of good cheese at my parents house. Pretty ecstatic about that. I get to take frequent naps on account of having nothing to do. that's about it. I really hope this posts in one piece so i don't have to go to a computer and delete 10 entries

Numb

I have probably written more papers and essays this semester than I ever have in my entire life. Over 40 pages. Ironic that the first thing I do when they are completed is write more. Though I want to write, nothing is coming out. I had a long drive today and had so many thoughts going through my mind. Now it seems as though they all left because my brain couldn't contain them due to excessive thinking and typing. So here I am. Staring at a computer monitor with nothing going through my mind. It's almost like I'm numb. I now realize, this has been my most common emotion throughout this semester. Numb. I don't know why. I'm just not feeling emotion. Maybe it's because of my dependence on coffee to stay awake. Or the 5 hours of sleep every night. Emotions will come in spurts, then quickly disappear. The spurts make up the majority of my rants posted on this blog. As soon as I hit publish post and take a second, I no longer feel the way I felt while writing. I don't feel anything. I wonder if that was really how I felt. I have been tempted to delete a few, but they're there for the purpose of archiving for myself. I want to remember how I was feeling last month. I want to know what was going through my mind, even if only for a second. I want to see the conflict in my life. I think the numbness is my mind's way of sheltering my heart from the conflict that I'm dealing with. But I don't want that. I want to feel something, even if it's sadness. I've gotten to the point where I can just sit there and think about nothing. Absolutely nothing. I didn't think that was possible. I can't wait to be completely done with this semester. I think I just need a break that lasts longer than a few hours.

Hey look, I wrote something. I enjoy rambling. Now I will say something random, funny, and embarrassing about myself in order to lighten the mood. When I was a kid, I would wear a towel as a cape and pretend I was Underdog.

Idea. More of a wish that will never happen. Whenever i have those moments in life where i know what i'm trying to emote to someone, yet can't find the words, i wish i could just give them a song. Music makes everything so much better. For one, it puts a bunch of random thoughts into perfect poetry. For two, the melody and instruments behind the words make them so much more meaningful. You could write a song about a recent breakup with all of your raw, sad, and depressing emotions, put a beautiful melody behind it and then it becomes a song of hope. You could also write a song about being in love with the same melody and instead of a sappy love song, it is pure and beautiful and has a whole new meaning. I just think the best way to express your true emotions is by combining poetry with melody. I don't think the full extent can be grasped without it. Instead of a thought, you have a journey. Instead of a sentence, you have a story. Emotions are an odd thing to grasp, much less explain. I feel emotions every day that they haven't even named. The closest thing to describing them is with a song. Wouldn't it be wonderful if that was how we shared our feelings? My song tonight is The Symphony of Blasé by Anberlin.

Why I am disappointed at the end of the night.

In case you have some extra money...

Here's a Christmas list for you to view and select an item for me. I have to give Donald Miller credit for this idea so I don't appear to be plagiarizing and stealing ideas. Even though I am definitely stealing this idea. But not the content.
1. Touring Van

We need something to tour in other than what we have now. I started thinking about the things that were important: Safety, security, and space. Well...I've found it. It only goes 40 mph. But I would like to see someone try to break into this thing. Not to mention it has a 400 watt PA system, so no need for a venue! Just pull up wherever and play the show from the roof!

http://bit.ly/rlQ2U

2. A way to make my life even lazier (part 1)


For some reason, whenever I sit in a chair with wheels, I feel like it is no longer necessary to stand up for the rest of the day. This soon becomes a problem, as my legs get tired from rolling, completely defeating the purpose. Not anymore. Now I can just grapple onto a doorframe, the refrigerator, or my roommate and pull myself wherever I go. This is such a genius idea. This device should be renamed from "Ninja Grappling Hook" to "Pull Yourself Around In A Rolly Chair Thingy".

http://bit.ly/7plOXY

3. Sleep Jams

Ever been listening to Radiohead while trying to sleep? It's all good until that chorus to Creep kicks in and you're startled awake. Wish there was a way to listen to Radiohead without the loud distortion and drums? THERE IS!!! Introducing the greatest album of all time: Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of Radiohead. This is so sure to put me to sleep that I don't even need a backup plan. Why wasn't this around on cassette tape or 8-track when I was a baby? I want this now! However, I probably would have cried if I saw the album cover. Definitely not kid material.

http://bit.ly/5FrQdh

4. Lazy (Part 2)

This one's for Whitney. So I try to floss as much as I can. But sometimes, that extra minute is just too hard on my life. I could be doing so many other things with that minute, that it would take me a minute to think of something, then another minute to do it, then realize I just wasted a minute thinking about it, and floss anyway. Now we're just losing time all over the place. Be more efficient with your oral hygiene! This device does both at the same time! I know, right? Genius. All it needs is a mouthwash injector. And maybe an iPod dock attached to it somewhere.

http://bit.ly/6YxKMm

5. Ridiculous Coffee Maker

I want this. Not much to say about it. Do people who actually buy this even stop to think that there are people in the world that don't even get water? I mean...2 grand for some coffee? Someone has to be serious. I personally prefer my 15 dollar coffee maker and 15 dollar bean grinder. But if it costs this much...it has to be good. Right?

http://bit.ly/4UNKTP

More to come later. I'm getting sleepy.

This next post has absolutely no purpose

It is really early. About 6am. Rosanne is on. Why am I still awake? A suitable title to this blog would be, "the delirious rants of Matt Barnes. Perhaps one would find humor in this. However, I'm more concerned about waking up and laughing at the outcome of what I am typing now. Rosanne is talking to her daughter about her sex life. Awkward. This must have been really controversial for the times. I'm about to wrap up the semester. Which is awesome. And at the same time, a little ridiculous. I have 7 pages of a 15 page paper written. I have to start and finish a take home essay final exam. The walk/jog/run exam will be easy. I have to finish a film soundtrack for another class. And I hope the other people in my group have completed the presentation for another class. I think that's it. I'm really tired. I'm glad I don't have to wake up in 2 hours like some people. Bless them. Ok. Here comes sleep. Death Cab will take me there. They've been the jam lately. Goodnight blogspot.

Drum tracking. Woooo

I tracked some drums today. Here is a video of my poor performance. Try and find the spot where I get confused and don't know what to do.

Since i have a borrowed book and am choosing not to deface it with highlights, folded pages, notes, and random thoughts suitable for twitter, i thought i would post my favorite or thought provoking quotes on here. All of the following are from Donald Miller.

"life isn't memorable enough to remember everything. it's not like there are explosions happening all the time or dogs smoking cigarettes"
P.4

"one of the things that gives me hope is that, even with all the tragedy that happens in the world, the Bible says that when we get to heaven, there will be a wedding and there will be drinking and there will be dancing"
P.32

"we get robbed of the glory of life because we aren't capable of remembering how we got here"
P.58

"i've wondered, though, if one of the reasons we fail to acknowledge the brilliance of life is because we don't want the responsibilities inherent in the acknowledgement"
P.59

The next chapter seems important. i'd rather not be half asleep when i read it. Plus, Band of Horses has done a really good job of making me calm and relaxed. I hope sleep comes easier than last night. Switching to Kindo/Iron and Wine playlist. Goodnight, people that are interested in my story.

I don't want to win this time

This will be short and to the point. No editing. No backspace. Just typing and not looking back. I have one question. Is it possible for me to be happy, while at the same time making others happy? Simple answer. No. It is not. And here's why. Everyone is constantly writing their own story. Everyone's life is a book or a movie, yet to be published. We all write our own stories about how our life is supposed to turn out. Everyone has their own passions and their own dreams and their own goals. Everyone has their own story planned out. So if my story is different from another person's that involved me, why should there be suffering? Why do we have to experience pain? Why do I have to feel like such a horrible person right now because I'm continuing to write my story the way I think it needs to go? I wish there was an answer. To any of these questions. But there's not. You can ponder it all you want. Try to find meaning. Try to find reason. But it just isn't there. Is it right to put someone through suffering and heartbreak because I feel in my heart that it is the right thing to do? (Not putting them through the pain and suffering, but the things that surround it).

Here's the bigger question that I do have an answer to. Or at least I have hope. If I do something that my heart is telling me to do, why am I feeling like such a terrible person? All I try to do is stay happy and be the best person I can be. But right now, I feel like a failure. My hope is that it's because its for the best. Cliche answer, I know. But that's the only thing I can think of. I feel like my heart is like a mom who tells their teenager that they can't go to the party. The worst thing of all...I can't explain myself. Except being honest and saying what I feel. That should at least count for something, right? Well...it doesn't right now. I still feel like the worst person in the world.

So I said this was going to be short...sorry. But here's another paragraph. I know that there is no good story without tragedy or heartbreak. No one wants to read a book where everything is happy the entire time. No irony. No twist. No failure. But the point of putting these things in a story is to learn from them. Things happen. Stories collide. Feelings are different. Things don't always work out the way they are planned in the beginning. If they did, I would married to a girl from middle school, a major league baseball player, an NFL quarterback, a fireman, a power ranger, and going to school at the University of Kentucky. Life changes. Our stories change. That's what makes them interesting. That's what gives us wisdom. That's what gives us the strength for the next chapter in our book. And hopefully...soon...I will have enough strength and wisdom to have that happy chapter. Where I do everything right. Where my story works out the way another's does. My main goal is to get from that first sentence to the last knowing that I was happier than I was sad. I'm in control of my life. It's time to start acting like it.

I'm in a fight between heart and mind, grace and pride. And I don't want to win.