I don't want to win this time

This will be short and to the point. No editing. No backspace. Just typing and not looking back. I have one question. Is it possible for me to be happy, while at the same time making others happy? Simple answer. No. It is not. And here's why. Everyone is constantly writing their own story. Everyone's life is a book or a movie, yet to be published. We all write our own stories about how our life is supposed to turn out. Everyone has their own passions and their own dreams and their own goals. Everyone has their own story planned out. So if my story is different from another person's that involved me, why should there be suffering? Why do we have to experience pain? Why do I have to feel like such a horrible person right now because I'm continuing to write my story the way I think it needs to go? I wish there was an answer. To any of these questions. But there's not. You can ponder it all you want. Try to find meaning. Try to find reason. But it just isn't there. Is it right to put someone through suffering and heartbreak because I feel in my heart that it is the right thing to do? (Not putting them through the pain and suffering, but the things that surround it).

Here's the bigger question that I do have an answer to. Or at least I have hope. If I do something that my heart is telling me to do, why am I feeling like such a terrible person? All I try to do is stay happy and be the best person I can be. But right now, I feel like a failure. My hope is that it's because its for the best. Cliche answer, I know. But that's the only thing I can think of. I feel like my heart is like a mom who tells their teenager that they can't go to the party. The worst thing of all...I can't explain myself. Except being honest and saying what I feel. That should at least count for something, right? Well...it doesn't right now. I still feel like the worst person in the world.

So I said this was going to be short...sorry. But here's another paragraph. I know that there is no good story without tragedy or heartbreak. No one wants to read a book where everything is happy the entire time. No irony. No twist. No failure. But the point of putting these things in a story is to learn from them. Things happen. Stories collide. Feelings are different. Things don't always work out the way they are planned in the beginning. If they did, I would married to a girl from middle school, a major league baseball player, an NFL quarterback, a fireman, a power ranger, and going to school at the University of Kentucky. Life changes. Our stories change. That's what makes them interesting. That's what gives us wisdom. That's what gives us the strength for the next chapter in our book. And hopefully...soon...I will have enough strength and wisdom to have that happy chapter. Where I do everything right. Where my story works out the way another's does. My main goal is to get from that first sentence to the last knowing that I was happier than I was sad. I'm in control of my life. It's time to start acting like it.

I'm in a fight between heart and mind, grace and pride. And I don't want to win.