Numb

I have probably written more papers and essays this semester than I ever have in my entire life. Over 40 pages. Ironic that the first thing I do when they are completed is write more. Though I want to write, nothing is coming out. I had a long drive today and had so many thoughts going through my mind. Now it seems as though they all left because my brain couldn't contain them due to excessive thinking and typing. So here I am. Staring at a computer monitor with nothing going through my mind. It's almost like I'm numb. I now realize, this has been my most common emotion throughout this semester. Numb. I don't know why. I'm just not feeling emotion. Maybe it's because of my dependence on coffee to stay awake. Or the 5 hours of sleep every night. Emotions will come in spurts, then quickly disappear. The spurts make up the majority of my rants posted on this blog. As soon as I hit publish post and take a second, I no longer feel the way I felt while writing. I don't feel anything. I wonder if that was really how I felt. I have been tempted to delete a few, but they're there for the purpose of archiving for myself. I want to remember how I was feeling last month. I want to know what was going through my mind, even if only for a second. I want to see the conflict in my life. I think the numbness is my mind's way of sheltering my heart from the conflict that I'm dealing with. But I don't want that. I want to feel something, even if it's sadness. I've gotten to the point where I can just sit there and think about nothing. Absolutely nothing. I didn't think that was possible. I can't wait to be completely done with this semester. I think I just need a break that lasts longer than a few hours.

Hey look, I wrote something. I enjoy rambling. Now I will say something random, funny, and embarrassing about myself in order to lighten the mood. When I was a kid, I would wear a towel as a cape and pretend I was Underdog.