The Fall

Why do we sin?

Why did God let sin into the world if he is all powerful?

These are simple questions that are often demanded to be answered by many people. Christians just wondering why, and also atheists trying to find fault in God. The bible doesn't explain it. It explains how it happened. But not why.  The simple answer is this. There is no answer. It is simply an intrusion into the world to which no excuse can be given. To answer any questions like this regarding sin would be excusing it and therefore defending sin. Giving it a reason to be. The reason it is sin is because it cannot be excused. 

Of course we all know that sin came from Lucifer. God's most favored angel. And if you don't here is some knowledge for you. Besides God himself, he had the most glory and power in all of heaven. Ezekiel 28:15 states that "Thou wast perfect in thy ways from the day thou wast created, till iniquity was found in thee." God however did not put him beyond the possibility of evil. It was his own heart that began seeking power for himself and slowly strayed away from the glory of God. He soon led other angels to seek him rather than God. When God asked him to change his ways, he defended himself and his followers saying he had been wrongly judged. He justified his actions by putting the blame on God. When it came to the point of seeking to overthrow God, Lucifer and his followers were banished from heaven. Satan then blamed God for the fall of man due to his unjust restrictions. Which brings me to a quick point. God does not make sin happen. He did not make terrorists fly into the World Trade Center. He did not make Hitler kill millions of Jews. He allows them to happen. Because he has given us free will. He did not make Satan turn on him. He chose to do so because his own heart turned evil. The amazing thing is that even though God has no blame for the fall of man, His love is so great that he sent his only son to die for our sins. 

Why is this important? Because Satan still leads people on in the same way today. When God sends us a message or a conviction about a wrongdoing, we try to justify it, or seek sympathy from others just like Lucifer did in heaven. We often even blame our creator himself for the things that we do wrong. If we could not justify our sins, there would be no more. Think about it. Whenever you sin, you justify it in some shape or form. We always have our own reasoning behind what we do. Since we excuse the sin in our lives, we allow it to be in control. Every time we give a reason we are just prolonging it. I'll give an example of my own. Lust. Whenever I lust over a woman, I sometimes catch myself excusing it. I'll justify it by telling myself that other people do it more than me, or it's God's fault for making her look like that. Satan tempts me to do everything but admit that it's a sin and that it's my fault. It is not possible to stop the existence of sin. It is just as much possible to stop excusing sin as it is to destroy Satan himself. There will be a time for that. But for now we must try to stray away from what Satan does best. And that is making excuses for our sins.

The 3/4 of the bible that we sometimes ignore

I honestly don't even know what to write about right now. I've started like 3 drafts and then realized I've said it before, or it's boring crap that I don't even want to read. So I'll tell you about the new book I'm reading. If you don't read this might be boring and I therefore apologize.

I bought a book by Phillip Yancy (genius) called The Book Jesus Read. It's all about the Old Testament. He breaks it down and talks about what it means to him. But at the beginning, he talks about why it is important. And the preface and first chapter of this book was my favorite part. Who picks the preface and first chapter as their favorite part of the book? Anyway, he talks about why it's important and that's what hit me. Because I never read the Old Testament. From my upbringing, I never thought it as useful. It's just a bunch of stories. Who cares, boring crap, wars, too much information about families. I mean seriously...is it necessary to list every member of every family? Have you read Numbers? The first 4 chapters talk about family records and then Boom! God gets mad and sets a city on fire...yea it's getting good...then they wander around in the desert for 38 years. Chapter 33 has 48 verses, sentence by sentence of where they wandered. That doesn't sound exciting. Not fun. I would rather take that summary and go.

But reading the Old Testament is comparable to reading Shakespeare. Not that anything Shakespeare wrote is comparable to God's word, but the style of reading is similar. If you can find one person who enjoyed reading Shakespeare plays the first time they read one, I would like to shake that hand. When you first start, it's like...I don't understand any of this. It's boring. But when you get into it, and actually start to see a deeper meaning behind it, you fall in love. That's the second best part of the Old Testament. It is so deep that you can't just skim the surface. That's why it's a turnoff to so many people. Because, God forbid you have to actually think when you're reading the bible.

The best part of the Old Testament comes from the question that everyone asks. What is God like? Is he caring? Does he get angry when you sin? All of these questions can be found in the Old Testament. God connects directly to the people. God's word is documented. When Moses wrote the 10 commandments...that wasn't a dream. Or a vision. God was talking to him. God said Moses...write this down. Granted we will never ever come close to finding all of the glory of God and everything about him, we can get a basic...a very basic idea. In the New Testament, the Old is constantly quoted. Take Luke for instance. It is quoted 22 times. Unless I miscounted. Or how about Romans? 68 times. You can't have the Old without the New and likewise can't have the New without the old.

Most people, including me until now, thought that the Old Testament was ruled out by the new. There's no need to read something if there is a new book that takes over the first one right? But the New Testament doesn't replace the first one at all. It builds off of it and supports it. I'm not saying the New Testament didn't change some things. We don't have to sacrifice our livestock anymore to be forgiven and I believe that bacon is delicious and ok to eat. Things changed, but not everything.

Test your knowledge. Name as many 10 commandments as you can. I came up with 6. Maybe 7 but I'm not sure if one a commandment or not. 50 percent of American's don't know that the first book of the bible is Genesis, and 14 percent though that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife. 3/4 of the bible is being overlooked. I would say the 10 commandments are pretty important. So does the rest of America since 80 percent believe in them.

This is the bible that Jesus himself read. This is what He quoted. This is what He used when he preached. So why do we neglect it so much and instead find a fitting verse or 2 then ignore it again? 3/4 of the bible sits unread by a lot of people, myself included, because it's either to hard to read, seemingly boring, or we don't think it's important. Hopefully as I start divulging into it more, I will find things that I had before overlooked. Maybe I'll write about that next. If this seems like something you need to do and you need a place to start, go buy this book. I may let you borrow it when I'm through.

-Thanks to Philip Yancey for inspiration and ideas

Thoughts from an uncomfortable concrete wall

The other day I had absolutely nothing to do so I started a new quest. The motive is to find the most serene place on campus. So I drove up there, picked a spot, started blasting some music in my ears, and just started writing. This particular spot was on a concrete wall near the bell tower. Here is what I wrote.

Sometimes I wish my entire life could be a soundtrack. The appropriate music for the appropriate situations. Music can add so much impact to even the dullest of scenarios. Think about watching a movie without music. When something is sad, you need the slow piano track in the background going dada da da da dum..dum..dum. Not overpowering or infiltrating the scene, but just right. In a fast chase scene, the music is loud and heavy pumping you up for whatever is about to happen. Sometimes music can even hint at what will happen next such as in a scary movie when you hear a cresendo right before dude gets knifed. Why can't life be like that?

I'm sitting on campus now with soundproof headphones blaring Anberlin's latest, New Surrender. What a CD. It's 8 at night but there are still plenty of people about. Listening to music can give you a completely different outlook on life. People that I have never seen before are now a part of my life, if only for a few seconds. Walking to the beat of my sound track. A foreign guy just came and sat down on the wall next to me. Is he serious? I can't help but wonder why. There is a bench literally 10 feet away, not to mention hundreds of them around campus. But he sits right next to me. Probably close enough to read this. Maybe it's because he's lonely and like me, just needed to get out and see other people. I feel different from most people because after 5, I have no agenda. I haven't started work again, and I rarely study or go out. Everyone always seems to have an agenda. After one thing is finished, another task is immediately started. It is unfathomable to just sit here and just do absolutely nothing. Not even thinking about doing anything. Just...nothing. Well besides writing, but since these are my thoughts I'm not really noticing.

When you forget about your life, you start to notice things that before, were seemingly unexistant. Trees that you didn't know were there. A pattern in the sidewalk. Or maybe that Wurlitzer with a rotating speaker in the song your listening to. But the biggest thing for me is the sheer beauty of the situation. I can see the fountain from here in the distance. This campus looks great from this angle. I feel more relaxed than I have been in years. For a second I started to think about things I had to do tomorrow, then realized it didn't matter. People are staring me as they are walking by. Like someone sitting here with a pen and a notebook looking around is odd. I guess it is to them. They have an agenda.

Here's a question. If God created earth and the things on it for us to enjoy, why do we spend so little time in awe of it? Think about the complexity of the littlest thing such as a piece of bark in a flower bed. That came from a tree, which came from a tiny seed. Think of all the things that have to go right for that little seed to become an enormous tree. The water in the water fountain. How is it that 2 particles of hydrogen and one of oxygen can combine together and form the thing that nature needs most to live? What if that didn't happen naturally? When you think about the complexity of the universe and how everything fits together, there is no possible way that you can think it all evolved out of mass chaos. There was an explosion and the earth just happened to be at the EXACT right spot away from the sun and we could live on it. Right. Regardless everyone has gotten into this routine where they don't take time for themselves anymore. People forget what it's like to just sit and admire everything. To not worry about what's going on overseas, the economy, grades, or what you're going to wear. It is amazing. Relaxing.

It's starting to get cold, and me sitting here isn't helping. And my butt has become numb as concrete isn't very comfortable. Time to go. If you are reading this right now, I highly encourage you to find 20 minutes at some point in the day and just sit. Somewhere by yourself where no one will talk to you and all you have to think about is thinking about nothing. Music helps a lot to. Play your favorite cd, or something relaxing. Suggestions include but are not limited to:

Sigur Ros - Takk
- Agaetis Byrjun
Jimmy Eat World - Chase This Light
- Futures
Copeland - You Are My Sunshine
- Beneath Medicine Tree
- In Motion
- Eat, Sleep, Repeat
Anberlin - New Surrender
Acceptance - Phantoms
The Juliana Theory - Understand This Is A Dream
Minus The Bear - Planet of Ice
The Spill Canvas - Sunsets and Car Crashes
Superdrag - Headtrip In Every Key
The Postal Service - Give Up
Eisley - Room Noises
Mae - The Everglow
The Starting Line- Make Yourself At Home
Rae Cassidy (No CD yet, just a myspace)

That's my relax cd collection in order of most relaxing to kind of relaxing. I highly encourage you to buy all of them.


Good night notebook.

If you pretend to like Jesus, you can eat lunch with the cool kids

You know what really makes me mad? When people walk diagonally across a parking lot. But they also walk really slow. Aware that you are right behind them about to run them over. But not caring. That has nothing to do with what I'm about to talk about. I just don't care for it.

First off, since I've realized that people might actually read this that don't know me, let me say this. 90 percent of the things that I talk about, I am guilty of as well. I hope that no one takes this the wrong way and thinks that I am just slamming religion, church, or other people. Most of the time, I write about problems that I myself are experiencing. I do not think myself to be better than any other person alive. I am not writing to offend anyone. I am not writing to condemn anyone. And I am sharing what I believe.

I was thinking the other day about how often I fail God. My self control is basically non existent. I'm falling into a routine. I hate routines. It's always the same. But it's a routine of failure that makes it even worse. And I hope I'm not the only one that does this because I would feel like a chump, but let's be honest...have you ever caught yourself saying, "well at least I don't sin as much as Sinny Mcgee over there?" I do that when I feel like I'm slipping away more than usual. I guess to make myself feel better about sinning. Whatever the reason, it's stupid. But the funny thing is, I realize that it's stupid. Yet do it anyway. But regardless of whether you think you do or not, it's human nature to compare ourselves to others constantly. I've written a lot about this recently but in regards to worldly things. Think about how often people are comparing themselves spiritually. Well it must be ok to do that because he is. Or I'm a better Christian because I don't do that. We fall into this so bad, that we forget who we are supposed to be striving to live for. It becomes a race to better another person rather than serve God, which is the entire reason we are alive and here in the first place.

Remember the W.W.J.D. bracelets? Those were cool in like 5th grade. But did anyone really ever wear them as a reminder that we are supposed to strive to live like Jesus? Obviously it is impossible to do so, but that's what we should be going for. Basketball players strive to be like Michael Jordan. Golf players strive to be like Tiger. They study his swing, and everything he does in order to attempt and recreate it. So why is it that we often find ourselves looking at other people to guide us other than Jesus. Isn't God a little bit more important than a sport? Which by the way is another way of attempting to better someone for no real reason. But seriously, think about that. Jesus was a fad. You were cooler if you had one of those bracelets. I remember...I was there. I wanted one. But not because it was a reminder to be like Jesus. It was so I could eat lunch with the cool kids.

The thing about looking up to other people is that they will eventually fail. Even pastors will make mistakes and let you down. Pastors are involved in sex scandals, and treasurers or book keepers embezzel money from offerings. No one is perfect, so why should we look up to them for guidance? Not saying having a role model is bad. And also not saying that all preachers are going to make mistakes. I'm just saying that people fail. Jesus didn't fail. He lived a life without sin. A perfect life. Yet I haven't heard anyone saying what would Jesus do in a really long time. It's almost like aiming to be like Jesus was a fad, just like the bracelets. Speaking of fads, remeber pogs? What happened to those? And instead of looking to Him for guidance, we turn to other people. Probably because we can relate to them and see and hear them. But maybe it's just because we forgot. Maybe it's because our competitive nature overshadows it and the first thing that comes to our mind is what would this person do? Or as long as I don't do what he did, I'm ok. Sinning is not ok. No matter who does it. If the pope sins, it's not ok because he's the pope. It's still a sin. And that's what some people are forgetting. Mostly because they see another Christian sin, and believe they can do the same. Like I said before, I do it all the time. Thank God for his compassion and grace. Or we would all be screwed.

Where's the love?

It's 5 in the morning. My shoes are sticky from syrup on the floor at Tourway. My room is a mess. I'm tired, but sleep doesn't like me. Seems like the perfect time to blog it up. I'll start off with my favorite quote. But before you read that, read the post before this. Or just read Jude. It's a whopping 2 pages so you might have to set some time aside, but it is really important in understanding this.

"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians..."
-Brennan Manning


Recently, Jesse Morrell graced us with his presence on campus here. First off, I have no problem with evangelists. God put us here to spread his word. What I do have a problem with is the way he goes about it. Secondly, I am not condemning this man. I am simply countering the things he has said with biblical proof for the sake of showing people that his message is false.

Here are some of the things that I personally heard him say

He doesn't sin
Sorority women are whores
You will go to hell if you listen to gangsta rap
If was wrong, God would strike him dead
Women should be silently submissive and learn from men
Homosexuals cannot be saved
If you drink, you will go to hell
If you smoke, you will go to hell

Lets start with number one. He doesn't sin. Really?

-We are all sinners in need of mercy and forgiveness from God (Titus 3:5-7)
-For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23)

I'm not judging, I'm simply stating the word. I'm not saying he is going to heaven or hell, I'm just saying that it is impossible to live without sin. The only human capable of that was Jesus. Ever since the fall, sin entered the world. Any man that claims to never sin is clearly oblivious to their lives or the bible for that matter. Regardless of the fact that I do not personally know him or follow his every move, everyone is a sinner.

Oh yea...and this verse...

If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.

1 John 1:8-10

And moving on to the whole God striking him down thing...

"Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God."
-Luke 4:12

Need I even say more?

If you drink you will go to hell

Ok. There is a very fine line here. Drinking can lead you to a path of sin. It can control your life, become an addiction, and lead to some other bad decisions. Drinking is not a sin. Drunkeness is a sin because you lose self control. Drinking is also a sin if it causes one of your brothers to stumble. Drinking is also a sin if it is against the law (DUI or underage). Drinking is also a sin if you spend your money on that instead of tithing or being a good steward of God's money. So, drinking can lead to a lot of sins. However, there are many parts of the bible that talk about alcohol in a good way. Proverbs 31 says instead of the rulers geting drunk and forgetting the law, to give beer to those who are in perishing and wine to those in anguish so that they will forget their poverty and misery. That is not taken out of context. I read it like, 24 times to make sure that's what it said.

Let's not forget, they drank wine at the last supper. Jesus drank wine. Jesus never sinned.


Let's wrap this up, I'm a little sleepy now

So it wouldn't be a real blog post if I didn't talk about love. Everything i said above can even be disregarded because this is my main point. Love is the key thing this guy is missing. Getting into heaven is not about who sins the least. It's about having a relationship with God. If you live a perfect life, but don't have a real relationship, you are lost. You can't make a list and say don't do these things or you will go to hell. Or vice versa and say do these things and you will go to heaven. It is much more complex than that, but at the same time...simple. God wants a relationship. If he just wanted us to go to hell for sinning, he would not have sent Jesus down to die for us. But now, through Jesus, we can have a true and real relationship with him. And that is all he is asking for. If you have a real relationship, you are forgiven for your sins. There is no formula, mathematics, or bullet points that get you into heaven. Love gets you into heaven.

Also, Morrel had a lack of love. Jesus ate with sinners. He hung out with them. If Jesus were here today, I would bet my life that he wouldn't be going from church to church preaching. He wouldn't hang out with priests, the pope, pastors, and rich people. He would not stand on a street corner or go to a college campus and claim to be a better person and tell everyone they were going to hell. He would be out on the streets showing compassion for the homeless, feeding the poor, clothing the naked, visiting prisons, taking athiests out to dinner, and hanging out with alcoholics. But not to condemn them. Not to strike fear in them to make them change their ways. He would show them that his love for the pope was no greater than his love for a murderer. He would show them that in his eyes, everyon is equal. Jesus showed people grace. He showed them love. Compassion. He showed the lowest people on the totem pole of society that they were loved just as much as the richest man in the world. He showed them that he cared. Morrell told the homosexuals to get out of his sight because they were already lost. That is definitely not love. Paul murdered Christians. Matthew was a tax collecter. Jesus did not walk up to them and say you are going to hell. He showed them love. A love that could only come from God.

Love is more powerful than any combination of words in the world.

My whole point is that people like Morrell, who might think they are doing good, are doing quite the opposite. He is turning people away from Christianity with a lack of love. From what I saw, if I wasn't a believer in God, I wouldn't even consider it anymore after listening to him. Why would I want to be like him? If that's what this religion is all about? Judging and condemning others? I wouldn't want anything to do with that. Even as a believer, I don't even want to associate myself with him and call myself a Christian. It's embarassing. That's why I hate religion. I hate grouping myself into the same catagory as him by saying I'm a Christian. I am not embarassed about my faith. I am a firm believer in God and I am willing to share it with anyone in the world. But I am embarassed to be considered by some to be the same religion as him. Which is why I don't say I am a Christian. I simply say I am a servant of God. Because isn't that the point?

As a believer in God, I am quickly falling faster into a minority because people that call themselves Christians forget how to love others.

Always remember. Showing someone love will do more than anything you can say.

The book of Jude

If you have ever seen an evangelist that preaches fear, and says everyone is going to hell, read this.

4 For there are certain men crept in unawares, who were before of old ordained to this condemnation, ungodly men, turning the grace of our God into lasciviousness, and denying the only Lord God, and our Lord Jesus Christ.

5 I will therefore put you in remembrance, though ye once knew this, how that the Lord, having saved the people out of the land of Egypt, afterward destroyed them that believed not.

6 And the angels which kept not their first estate, but left their own habitation, he hath reserved in everlasting chains under darkness unto the judgment of the great day.

7 Even as Sodom and Gomorrha, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire.

8 Likewise also these filthy dreamers defile the flesh, despise dominion, and speak evil of dignities.

9 Yet Michael the archangel, when contending with the devil he disputed about the body of Moses, durst not bring against him a railing accusation, but said, The Lord rebuke thee.

10 But these speak evil of those things which they know not: but what they know naturally, as brute beasts, in those things they corrupt themselves.

11 Woe unto them! for they have gone in the way of Cain, and ran greedily after the error of Balaam for reward, and perished in the gainsaying of Core.

12 These are spots in your feasts of charity, when they feast with you, feeding themselves without fear: clouds they are without water, carried about of winds; trees whose fruit withereth, without fruit, twice dead, plucked up by the roots;

13 Raging waves of the sea, foaming out their own shame; wandering stars, to whom is reserved the blackness of darkness for ever.

14 And Enoch also, the seventh from Adam, prophesied of these, saying, Behold, the Lord cometh with ten thousands of his saints,

15 To execute judgment upon all, and to convince all that are ungodly among them of all their ungodly deeds which they have ungodly committed, and of all their hard speeches which ungodly sinners have spoken against him.

16 These are murmurers, complainers, walking after their own lusts; and their mouth speaketh great swelling words, having men's persons in admiration because of advantage.

17 But, beloved, remember ye the words which were spoken before of the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ;

18 How that they told you there should be mockers in the last time, who should walk after their own ungodly lusts.

19 These be they who separate themselves, sensual, having not the Spirit.

20 But ye, beloved, building up yourselves on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Ghost,

21 Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.

22 And of some have compassion, making a difference:

23 And others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire; hating even the garment spotted by the flesh.

More to come later.

Survival vs. Love

First off, I would like to thank Donald Miller for inspiration. If you don't know who he is, go read Blue Like Jazz. If you've read that, read Searching For God Knows What. Buy them right now.

In the latter book, he proposed a situation where an alien came down from wherever and sat in with us and watched our behavior. This alien has no sense of good and evil, wrong or right. This got me thinking a little bit. What would he observe? Let's put a common situation in...I'm just watching a game of basketball on T.V. with some friends. First, he would probably wonder why we have clothes on. Although he wouldn't know what clothes were, he would probably say more around, strange fabrics covering our bodies. Regardless, he would not understand because he doesn't know that we wear clothes because being naked is considered wrong. Ever since Adam and Eve ate from the tree and realized that it was. Second he would wonder why the two teams were competing. I mentioned this in the last post. No real reason really...just to do it. Just to say I'm better than you. Third, he would wonder why we even care. That's something to think about. Why do we even care if "our team" wins or loses? Why do we pick teams and root for them? We aren't playing. Sometimes we don't even have anything to do with them. Why do I like the Saints? I don't really know...I just do. Then Lebron dunks it and he has a very quizzical look on his face. He then says, "Why did he do that? I thought the objective was just to get it through the hoop. That seemed a little unnecessary (all in perfect English)." The alien thinking objectively. Us thinking entertainmently (I know...not a real word...until now).

Wealth is the next big thing. He would probably notice that humans are the only species on earth that flaunt their wealth. You don't see birds with 5 story nests. Fish don't have heated pools or hot tubs. Granted fish don't have the technology of making hot tubs. But birds could build 5 story nests. There is a show on MTV now that is entirely based on people showing the world how rich they are. "Yea, I live here by myself, but I have 17 cars and 23 bedrooms." He would see a commercial for jewelry and notice that one is 4,000 dollars, while another is 500. They both look the same to him. One just has more gold in it. What's the purpose of wearing it anyway? We are the only species that does more than needed to survive. Way more at that. Especially in the U.S.

That's the huge difference between other animals and us. Other species' sole instinct is to survive. Human's sole instinct is to be loved. (That quote was made up by Matt Barnes and not to be used without the written consent of Matt Barnes)

But we were put here on Earth for more than survival. Our sole purpose is to serve God. If the alien heard us say that, he would have a million other questions. Like why do people have 9 story houses and 5 cars, meanwhile people are being sold into slavery in India, or why coffee farmers in Guatemala, Rwanda, and Ethiopia are receiving less than it costs to grow and harvest? He might ask why people use the church for political or financial gain. Or maybe why a country that was founded on the principles of God has a city nicknamed Sin City.

Or how about this one. Why the U.S. nearly doubles the U.K. for the spot as number one in crime. In the world. The U.S. has the most crimes committed. 14.9 percent more than India.

We are a nation that is falling apart. There is nothing truly logical about anything that we do. We look in all of the wrong places to find love, and never truly get it. It would be confusing to be an alien. Because everything we say we believe in is quickly negated by our actions. If aliens do exist, I know why they don't care to visit.

Competing for love

Have you noticed that everything in life is a competition? We are constantly trying to make ourselves feel important and love by bettering the next person. Everyone does it, whether you think you do or not. I do. A lot. Without even thinking about it.

Think about it. Take a game of football for instance. The two teams are competing to see who is better. Why? I have no idea. I guess just to say our team is better than yours. TV shows. Reality shows. People competing against each other. The funniest thing is that people are using TV shows of people competing to compete against other shows of people competing for better ratings. You might have to read that one twice. In a group of friends, everyone is trying to top the stories of the others in hopes that theirs will be the best. On myspace and facebook, people spend hours taking that perfect picture from that perfect angle that makes you look the best. Everyone looking for approval. Everyone looking to make themselves look better than someone else.

My favorite form of competing is in a game called World of Warcraft. I never got into it myself, but it's fun to make fun of. People dedicate their lives to this game, pay a monthly fee, and don't stop playing. What is the main goal? To have a better character than everyone else. There is no prize. There is no end to the game. The only thing you get is a sense of love and approval from others. From a computer game? Are you serious? Are you so deprived of love and attention that you slave over a computer game just to better someone else?

Why did you just buy that new shirt? To look good. Why do you have to look good? To look better than the person next to you. Why do you have to look better than the person next to you? If you don't know the answer to that, here it is...because it makes you feel loved. Someone saying, hey I like that shirt, will make you feel a certain small amount of love. That maybe someone cares about you. Why did you buy that really nice car? Uhhh...it get's good gas mileage? Really? I drive a 92 and it gets 35 on the highway.

Now now, before you take offense there is nothing wrong with buying nice things. There is nothing wrong with having a new car or a new shirt. However, there is something wrong with using those things to get your fix of the "feel goods". Your source of love comes from God. That is, if you let it. The world can offer you nothing compared to the way God can make you feel. His love is unconditional and unlimited. When that shirt goes out of style in two months, the love from others will stop. When that car breaks down, the love will stop. When Warcraft fades out, no one will care that you are a level 70 night elf with magic aura blasting arrows (if you play WoW, I'm sorry...I have no idea) But God's love will never end. And that's the problem with competing for love. You don't always win when you set your heart on worldly things. But with God, you don't have to compete. It's there no matter what.

I hate cliché metaphors

I hate cliché metaphors. But right now this one is fitting. You never know what you had until it's gone. And before I start, I realize that he is not gone for good. But who knows the next time I see him.

My first friend in Florence, my mentor, my crutch, has left for basic training in the air force. I don't really know for sure how long he will be gone, or what he is doing after, but I know it will be a really long time before I see him again. When he first informed me he was leaving, it didn't really hit me. It actually didn't hit me until he left. A little late for that. Thanks a lot, feelings.

He was the first person to actually talk to me when I moved here. We started hanging out, and just never stopped. We would stay up late, play poker, and sit out on the porch for hours and just talk about life. For an entire semester, we literally played poker every single night. But I never got sick of it. It never got old. That same semester, my girlfriend broke up with me. I was living by myself, but it didn't feel like it. Jimmy was there almost 24/7. He was great at making me completely forget about everything going on and just have fun. I knew, and still know, that anytime I needed him, I could call him and he would be there. He was my seat partner on the bus for 3 years, and marched right next to me.

Jimmy taught me more than anyone else alive right now. The biggest thing he taught me was how to grow up, but still be immature and have fun. He taught me the right times to do both. He taught me how to figure things out on my own rather than ask questions all the time. He taught me how to love playing drums rather than just play them for fun. Without him, I don't know where I would be in life right now. Probably trying to find someone else to lean on and get me through life. But he was there when he knew I needed him. And he let me do things on my own when he knew I could. He taught me how to lead. He taught me how to take whatever is thrown at you and make the best of it. He taught me how to trust. He taught me how to be a friend.

But I never had a chance to thank him for any of that. Because I didn't really put it into perspective until now. Even if I did, he would shrug it off like it was nothing. Because Jimmy never looked to glorify himself, just to help me grow. But I hope he somehow gets on a computer and reads this sometime. Because for some reason, I express my feelings in a blog that anyone can read better than I would in person.

I guess the main thing I'm trying to say is that I knew Jimmy was a great friend. I just never realized how much he has shown me until now. I pray that we don't part ways and stop talking. Hold on to the friends you have now. You never know when you won't have them in your life anymore.

I'm a better Christian than you by comparison

Before you jump all over that title, keep in mind...I'm kidding.

I was reading through Genesis again to get to know the characters a little bit more and I couldn't help but think what everyone else probably thinks. Why did they do that? They knew there would be consequences. Why did the Fall even happen? God said don't eat from that tree. Eve did anyway, soon followed by Adam. Why did Cain kill Abel? He knew it was wrong, and he knew he would be punished. My favorite part about all of it is that God comes down, knowing what happened, and they still deny it. Adam and Eve hid from God. Cain said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper? When you read from a standpoint like you and I, you wonder how it could happen. If God talked to you. In person. And said don't do this. I most likely wouldn't do it. Easier said than done.

But what I began to think about was this. If I were a character in the bible, who would I be? Would I be like Adam and Eve and sin right in God's face even though he made it clear I wasn't supposed to? Granted, they are the reason that sin is all over the place now and the reason it is so easy to sin. But I began to think about it, and I already do that more times than I can count in one day. Would that be my legacy? Remembered as someone who sinned against God knowing good and well the consequences, or the rewards if I didn't. They had paradise. Whatever they wanted with the exception of the Tree of Knowledge. We blame them for all of the sin and imperfections in life, but would we have been so different?

Think about it. I'll use a commandment. Thou shalt not covet. Can you make it through a day without seeing something of the world and saying, "I wish I had that." It doesn't sound like much of a sin, but every sin is equal. Murder and jealousy are both sins. Equal sins. So are we any better than Cain? Are we any better than Judas, who sold Jesus to the chief priests? We see these people as the worst of the worst. The ones bad enough to write down in history forever. We tell ourselves we would have done otherwise. We look down upon Peter for denying Christ three times, but would we have been different? If your life was at stake, would you have done the same thing?

I then realized that I was, in fact, no different from these people. I would not be a John the Baptist, or a Moses. I would fall in with the rest of the sinners in the bible. My life might not be considered bad enough to be told in a story, but who are we to determine who's worse than who? Who are we to say, I'm better than Cain because I haven't murdered anyone? Meanwhile we lust over every girl that walks by. Who are we to say I'm better than Judas, who handed over Jesus, yet we prioritize worldly things over God? Who are we to say we are better than anyone else because their sins are worse? We will all be judged in the end by the one and only true judge. Do not compare yourselves to others and think you are well off. Do not say well he smokes and drinks and has sex all the time, so I'm a better Christian. It is not a competition to see who can sin less than another. We are all sinners. We will all sin tomorrow. Period. While some will lust and some will murder, no sin is worse than another. The consequences here on earth are much larger yes, but God is who ultimately decides your fate. So why are we trying to make ourselves out to be better than others? Shouldn't we just simply be trying to serve God? The good news is, if you have a relationship with God, you are forgiven. And I thank God for his unconditional grace and love every day.

What if I decided to die?

I'm finishing up an absolutely great book right now called Veronika Decides To Die. To sum up the basics of this book, this girl, Veronika, decides that like has become to mundane. She isn't depressed or anything and is actually very content with her life. The problem is, she feels like she's hit her peak. She doesn't want to get older and live the same routine day after day. So to kill herself, she decides to down 4 bottles of sleep medicine. It doesn't quite work, and she ends up in an insane asylum where she is told she has one week to live because the meds messed up her heart. While she's there she finds out, "there's more to living than being alive" and slowly starts to regret her decision, against her inner will and thoughts.

Death is such a weird thing, and such a touchy subject, and therefore not talked about very often. But I know every single person alive right now, if not actually thought about committing suicide (I pray you haven't and if you have, I pray you got over that), has thought about what would happen if they did die. Would people care? How many people would be at my funeral? Would it ever be the same? But have you ever thought about what you would do, what you would think about, how your life would be different, if you knew you only had a week to live?

There's been movies made about it. Although I have never watched them, they were probably terrible. They go out and do all these crazy things to try and make up for a lifetime in a week. I wouldn't do that. If I knew I had a week to live, I would start with priority one. God. I would make sure my service was up and there was nothing left for me to do. Priority two. Family. I would go home and see my family. That's about all of it in the physical sense. But emotionally, my mind would be everywhere.

The main thing, I think, that would set me apart from other people, is I wouldn't think of what I missed. I wouldn't think of all the things I haven't experienced yet. I wouldn't think of marriage, kids, sex, having fun, or anything like that. I would think of what I could do to prepare myself for heaven. But it's so weird. How do you even do that? I know that's what I would want to do, but I wouldn't know where to start. So since I would probably fail at that, I would get all of my grudges out of the way. I would call up every person that I ever had feelings of unlove towards and forgive them. I wouldn't want sympathy or apologies. I would just like to get my own slate clean. My biggest fear is dying with feelings of bitterness towards another person. After that, I would probably just enjoy the rest of my time on earth with my family.

Think about what you would do. Go ahead...I'll wait...
...
...
...
...
Weird isn't it. Makes you feel like you would have a lot of things to do.

After I thought about my own death and the week prior, I came to the realization that I most likely won't have a week to think about my death. It could be tomorrow, it could be in 60 years. So why should I wait until I know I'm going to die before I make things right with people. Before I get my heart set right. I should be living like I'm going to die in a week all the time because who knows, I could. And what's the point of holding a grudge against someone for your entire life? Why not make things right, and be happy while you still know you have life left? Don't expect to know your time of death. You aren't dead yet. But live like you could be.

It's disappointing, really. I fail at my own logic. Because I gaurantee you that I will not be living like that when I wake up tomorrow. But it sounds so simple. At least I can try. And most likely fail. And then start over the next day. Getting one thing right at a time.

Once again...there's more to living than being alive.

You don't exist...

Have you ever told God that he doesn't exist? I have. Why? I'm not really sure. But to be honest, I just wasn't happy. I wasn't getting anything from God. I expected to. I was brought up to think that there was this guy who just gives you whatever you ask for. Then I hit that point in my life where I just wasn't getting anything. I thought I knew what I needed, and I wasn't getting it. But when was the last time any of us knew what we really needed. If I get that new car, I'll be happy. If I get some new clothes I'll be happy. But are we ever? The buzz from getting material things wears off in a matter of days. That's not what we need. It's what we want. But when you are naive, what you want, is what you need. I was always to prideful to admit that the new skateboard I got wasn't what I needed. That it didn't make me happy. But inside, I was torn apart for God knows why.

I really did it one day. I was sitting there contemplating my pathetic excuse for a life and I got to the point where I actually said, "You don't exist." It was to much for me to think that there was someone out there watching over me, and I wasn't getting what I wanted. Funny how some churches can completely brainwash the way you think, purposely or not. It hit me all of the sudden...you just told someone they didn't exist. How can you sit there, call someone out, and say you don't exist? I'm talking to them. I obviously believe in the existence if I say, "You don't exist." It would be different if I said God doesn't exist. But that's not how it went down. I was sitting in the bleachers of the middle school football stadium across the street at the time. I had never been scared before. I didn't worry about thieves, murders, or any other random things that could go wrong. But right then, as I said that, I was. I felt completely alone. Every noise, every shadow, everything...made me feel uneasy. I felt like God didn't have my back anymore.

How contradicting is that? I tell someone they don't exist and then feel like because of that, they don't have my back anymore. How can I say, I'm going to hell because I don't believe God exists? If you believe you're going to hell because you don't believe in God, doesn't that mean you believe in God? It sounds ridiculous. Like something you shouldn't even have to think about. But I did it. I said it. And I believed it. Or I thought I did.

But the reason I was pessimistic wasn't because I wasn't getting the things I wanted, or things weren't going my way. It's because I was letting that drive my life. All I would do is wait to get the next thing. I didn't have a real relationship with God. I had a relationship with the world. And that is what will bring you down. My plan and God's plan are two totally different things. I was not aware of that. I was under the impression that you live the life you want, and when you need God, He'll help you out. That isn't the case. Not that God won't bless you. Because He will regardless if you ask for it or not. But it's a relationship. It isn't a "give me what I want, I'll talk to you on Sunday" thing. But you have to actually establish a connection. God answers prayers according to his will. Unselfish prayers. Not "God give me money so I can buy these new clothes."

To make a long story short, I soon after realized the idiocy of what I did and couldn't take being alone anymore. I couldn't stand walking alone at night and knowing that if I was murdered, I don't know where I would be after I died. So instead of getting through life waiting for the next best thing, I handed it over to God in faith that whatever happened, if I had a relationship with him I would be taken care of. Since then, I have never felt alone again. I have never been in desperate need of anything. And the buzz still hasn't worn off because that's the only thing that I need.

Seriously?

This was the first thing when I opened up Yahoo.

Avoid this easy email scam

Even Paris Hilton has fallen prey to this hacker's scheme to steal passwords.

Are they serious? How scared should I be right now? They couldn't even think of anyone smart to use for this. Maybe if they were like, Bill Gates fell for it, I would be like crap man...I better watch out. Paris Hilton would fall for anything. I could tell her I had a secret cream that made her look better and she would buy it. In all seriousness, I'm really just trying to figure out why they picked her. She has a reputation for being an idiot. That's like running an ad saying, "This call was so bad, even Lou Pinella go mad about it." Or "This kid is so cute, even Michael Jackson would touch him." Seriously...who thought of that?

How quickly lust can pretend it's love

It's amazing how American culture uses the word love. We can use the same word for how we feel towards our parents and God, then go and use to it say how we feel about the new Classic Crime cd. Mind you, the new Classic Crime cd is incredible. However no one stops to even think before they use the word anymore. How can we have the same feelings towards an object that doesn't live, breath, feel, or love us back that we do towards our own mother? Girlfriends and boyfriends use it all the time without thinking about it. I've seen 13 year olds say it to each other. Now I'm not saying they don't know what love is, or can't be in love at that age, but most likely...they don't. My friends will say it every time they get off the phone with their girlfriends. I love you too. When's the last time they said that and actually thought about what it meant? It's just a common phrase that's being thrown around. The problem is, when it's actually the right time to use it, it means nothing.

My friends always think it's odd that I don't say I love you back. Mostly girls. Guys don't care. But they question me. They say they love me as a friend. How is that even a legit statement? You can't group love into certain categories. All love is the same. You can have priorities of love. For example, you should love God more than anyone or anything else. Second should be your parents. 3rd, your spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. Not saying you shouldn't love friends. But there is a difference in having a friend that you've known for years that has always been there for you and you will always be there for them.

I can honestly say I love a total of 2 friends. Not counting my brother. And I will name names for a first. Chris and Scott. And by love I mean, I would drop whatever I was doing and be there if they needed me. I would die for them. Unless they were asking me to hurt themselves I would do anything in the world for them. And I know they would do the same for me. That's what love is for me. I don't believe you can love someone after hanging out with them for a few times. Or from making out with a girl a few times. That's definitely not love. It's lust. And to quote Emery, "How quickly lust can pretend it's love."

Let me make a note right now that it's not that I don't care about my other friends. I do. It's just not real love. And I'm being completely honest when saying all of this.

This is my philosophy on love. If they call you up at 3:30 in the morning and they are stuck in a city 8 hours away, would you drive to go pick them up? Or would you tell them to ask their parents or take a bus? If you had a job interview for your dream job and right before the interview they call you and said their mom just died? Would you go to the interview? If you had a gun to your head by a man looking to kill them, would you tell him where they are? Or would you tell him and live? If your friend was living on the street with to much debt to repay, would you sell all of your possessions to get him back on his feet? When you are 70 years old, will you still be friends with this person? And the hardest one...if your friend was doing something to hurt themselves, would you step in and stop it? This could be anything from a drinking problem, to a problem controlling themselves with girls, to suicide. The latter being an easy answer. Hopefully.

If you can honestly answer all of these questions honestly and altruistically than you have love. If you stop for a second and say what would I gain/lose, then you do not. If you even have to think about the answer to any of those than you do not. That's what I believe. That's why I don't throw love around loosely. Because when I tell someone I love them, I am ready to do any of the things I listed above.

Now onto my views of love when it comes to girls. If a girl is reading this, just put guy in there instead of girl. I have been in love once. I know it was love because 1. I could answer all of the above questions and 2. Because she's still in my heart. It's not that I'm not over her. If I wasn't, I would have a problem I think. But think about this for me. If you have a significant other, go 6 months without speaking to her, seeing her, or having anything to do with her. Fill your life with other things, other girls, and other things that have absolutely nothing to do with her. Would you still think about her every day? It's hard to say if you've never been there, but I do. Would you still be able to do all of the things I listed above? I would. Because love is never ending. It doesn't end just because the relationship did. True love is never ending, no matter the circumstances. And maybe in a few years, this will all be proved wrong when I meet someone else. If I meet someone else, rather. But I don't believe it will. We broke up 2 and a half years ago. That's plenty of time to move on, which I did. However if she ever needed anything at all, I wouldn't hesitate to be by her side and help her through whatever she needs. Not in hopes of getting back with her. Not to make myself look like the better person. But because I care. Because I have love. Love is something you can't rationalize. I have said before, there is no mathematics to love. There is no formula. There is no eye for an eye. Common sense would say, she broke your heart, forget about her. You owe her nothing. But I common sense has no hold on real love. Love exceeds practicality. Whether she feels the same, I don't know. I probably never will. But I know how I feel.

That's the kind of love I believe in. A love that can only be given by God. Not the I love you one week, then could care less the next deal. That's not love. That's ignorance. Do not overuse love. In today's society, it is to late though. It's already overused. It's a formality now. I hate formalities. There is no thought behind them. No heart. No compassion. It's blank. Completely meaningless. Just said or done because it is expected. Love shouldn't be expected. And that's the problem.

People watching is fun

I absolutely love going to Wal-Mart. Not because of the low prices or friendly service, but to watch people. Every time it's the same. There's the happy couple shopping together, the girl doing all the work while the guy stands there clueless. At the beginning of every school year you see the roommates shopping for apartment supplies. Half of which they will use for a week and then just forget about. It always cracks me up to see guys getting things like toilet bowl cleaners. Honestly, who takes time to clean their toilet after the first week? Then there's the parents with the uncontrollable kids. Their kids are on the floor throwing a tantrum about a candy bar, and all they do is say very softly, "stop". And of course there is the person that looks like they live in bed. They throw on a t-shirt, hair is ridiculous, and they just kind of shuffle around looking confused and squinting in the bright light. And as I walked in today there was a woman sniffing a peach...then she put it back with her germs and breath all over it. My favorite though, is the busy, I'm in a hurry, get out of my way person. While we're standing in line they act like it's someone else's fault that there are so many people there. "Why are all these people here. Why did they come when I did. People should know I'm coming to Wal-Mart and not get in my way." This is what I imagine them thinking.
People are so interesting to me. I don't know why I'm fascinated with watching other people tick. I just want to know what their thinking. What drives them. Are they thinking about the same things I am? Am I silently being stereotyped just like I am everyone else?
I always go shopping by myself. There is never anyone else my age out by themselves. Shouldn't that tell me something? They always have a friend or a girlfriend/boyfriend with them, laughing and having a good time. But is it weird that I enjoy being there alone? I don't have to worry about being distracted and can focus on watching people. I'm not creepy I promise. I'm not a stalker. I just enjoy the fact that God made us all different.
I wonder if there is anybody else out there like me? Does anyone else occupy their time wanting to know everyone's story? I never ask though...I always just imagine what it would be. It's more fun that way. Because my imagination goes a lot farther than truth.

Does anyone think for themselves anymore?

I think I am becoming a recluse. And maybe that's not such a bad thing. Except for the fact that my already extremely lacking social skills will further be diminished. But if you know me at all...I don't really care. While I'm still just as immature as I was when I was 15, sitting alone reading a book is becoming more appealing than going out and partying with friends. And I think it's because I'm trying to shelter myself from things. Which I believe is not a good thing. I believe that part of being a Christian is learning how to interact and love everyone, regardless of their beliefs. Why am I holing myself up in my room rather than going out? Most likely because I'm sick of the world. Sick of people. Sick of religion. Sick of the church. Sick of being let down, defeated, and reminded that I am lost. Meanwhile my bed and a good book is a comfort zone. It's a place where I can get away from the world and my problems. But there is not a single place in this world where you can go to get away from everything. So why spend my time trying to find it? I don't know the answer to that. Or anything for that matter. I wish I could find that one person who I could just talk to at any time about anything. And not just someone who will listen, but someone who will process it. Someone who believes in something...anything. Someone who whole heartedly believes in something for their own reasons. Everyone is so caught up in everyone else's opinions, they can't form their own. Some Christians don't even know why they are Christians except for the fact that, A. Their parents are, B. Their friends are, or C. They want to fit in. It seems as if the world is becoming so wrapped up in "fitting in" with everyone else's opinions that they don't have their own. They believe what everyone else believes. They fight against what other people fight against. They don't seek truth, but acceptance. For example Christians shun homosexuals. If you are a Christian among most churches, you are expected to hate them. Maybe hate is a strong word, but definitely on the opposite side of the spectrum from love. Meanwhile Jesus constantly talks about loving your enemies as friends. Now, this being a very straightforward example, it goes to show how naive people are today. Love might be talked about in the bible more than anything else. Don't quote me on that...I haven't memorized it. But it's talked about quite a lot. And that's probably something that the church lacks the most. Love. So simple, yet we've been conformed to dislike and shun those that aren't like us.
This is an example of why I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I'd rather sit in the safety of my seclusion than go out and watch a world of mindlessness. If the church can't grasp the love of God, then how can anyone else? If Christians don't know why they believe in God than how can I share with people that don't? But that's something I should probably work on. The world isn't getting any better. And I can't stay in bed all day. Although it would be nice. Oh and someone would have to feed me.

Who am I?

Sometimes I catch myself dozing off into another world otherwise known as my thoughts, and today, I thought about who I was. What kind of impact will I have on the world 400 years from now? Will I be remembered at all? Not that I want myself to be glorified in any way. It's just strange to think about.
Sure, I could write songs. People will know me by that. But paper will end up withering away, song's become outdated, CD's will stop playing. Come to think of it, CD's will be obsolete. Especially with bit depths and sample rate's becoming bigger and not capable of going on a cd. Sorry about that...my point being, nothing I do will matter hundreds of years from now. I'm not going to take over a country, or rule the world. I will leave no long lasting legacy behind.
Think about it. Name one famous athlete from before say...700 B.C. (the olympics were started in 776) can be named. If any maybe one or 2. They had documentation. They had people keeping records, yet they have been lost. The server to this very blog will go down one day. Everything I do will one day be lost and I will just be another grain of sand in the desert.
With that in mind, what can I do to make an impact while I'm alive? At least for a few years after I die, I would like for someone to be influenced in some way by something I did. I have a feeling I'm going to have to get out of this mundane life and actually do something. But there's the catch 22. I can't make an impact if I am not inspired, and I'm not inspired if I don't think I can make an impact.
Who knows, maybe I already have. I think I'm doing poorly in school, because this is how I pass the time during lectures. I might not have grades, but I'm pretty sure I can think a lot better than a lot of people.

With that being said I could go off on another tangent. About the fact that today's society is based upon academic success. That's lunacy. Someone with a 4.0 might have better work ethic because they study all the time and get the job done. But it has almost nothing to do with intelligence. Intelligence is the capacity for learning, reasoning, understanding, and similar forms of mental activity or aptitude in grasping truths, relationships, facts, meanings, etc. I might not remember what kind of star a black dwarf is, but I'm pretty sure I can grasp truth's facts, meanings and such, that actually serve a purpose in my life. And since I don't need to know what the earth is made of to make it through my life, why should I have to learn about it?
If there was a school or a major that was made just for me, it would be called Intelligence of Things That Actually Matter. It would be a combination of Philosophy, Music, Psychology, Religion, and Sociology. Those are the things that matter to me. If I could figure out what makes people the way they are, why I think the way I do, and how to spread God's love to those that need it, I will be perfectly content with life. Who cares if I don't know the weight of helium? Who cares if I know the proper way to say certain words. These classes are pointless and a waste of my life.
The problem is, society has made it such an imperative thing to go to school, get a degree in something that will pay out, and sit behind a desk from 8-5 every day until you retire. Meanwhile, I'd rather spend my life seeking truth. Seeking something that matters. I see a person that gives up on their dreams and gives in to society as more ignorant than I am. I use ignorant lightly and don't mean it as stupid or not as smart as me, but lacking knowledge in certain things. The people who have never stopped to think for one second...why am I here? And if they do, they answer it with, to do what everyone else does. If you can't think for yourself, and make your own choices, you can have the highest grades in the world and they will mean absolutely nothing.
Grades mean nothing if you don't know why you're on earth. They mean nothing if you don't see a purpose for your life. 20 years after I die, there will not be a single person that will say "hey he graduated with a 4.0" (even though I lost that one from day one). Hopefully, there will be something said about me. Something that has meaning. Think outside the box next time you're bored. You'll be surprised.

A hypocritical work of staggering genius

This one has the potential to be long. Probably because time after time, I am reminded that I am only a man. Man cannot love like God. Man cannot even fathom the love of God. But I try. And fail. Over and over again. Speaking love on the outside, while hatred and resentment is building on the inside. This is a wake up call for me, because I thought love was something I understood. Something that I had. A reson to believe in myself.
The spark happened at the movies tonight. The people in front of me were talking the entire time, coming and going as they pleased, and obviously snuck in, otherwise they wouldn't have wasted their time and money to chat it up in the movie theater. After asking them to tone it down multiple times, they just spewed back disrespect and selfishness. I don't know exactly what I was feeling, but it was definitely not love. After I calmed down I started to see that God's love towards everyone is not something anyone else on this earth can even come close to. How am I supposed to love people who are disrespectful and hateful? How is it that Jesus loved the very people that hung him on the cross? How is it that God loves everyone on earth no matter what they do?
Let's put it into perspective, shall we? Say someone you know is filled with hate towards you. They mock, disrespect, and use you, while and constantly saying hateful things. Would you immediately forgive them again and again while maintaining your love? My answer will hopefully be yes before I die, but the way my heart is now, I have long to go.

Here is the definition of love according to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and where I stand accordingly. A popular verse, yet rarely followed.

1. Love is patient
I lack patience. I was not blessed with the ability to wait on things. I can't even play a game of poker not even involving money without getting mad because someone is taking to long. My lack of patience leads to number 8.

2. Love is kind
Although I make a meger attempt, I am not kind at all times. When being tested, probably not at all. When others are angry towards me, I am angry in return. My lack of kindness leads to number 6.

3. Love does not envy
Jealousy is one of my biggest problems. I don't even know where to start. This correlates with number 10.

4. Love does not boast
While I try to humble myself on the outside, I am a very boastful person. I can't just do something for someone else and not tell anyone. I can't win something and not brag to at least one person. This leads to the next one.

5. Love is not proud
Yet again, I try as hard as I can to humble myself, but I am a very proud person. I do not like to be wrong, and am often times full of myself. This leads to number 7.

6. Love is not rude
I was rude tonight. After asking politely for them to be quiet, I started to become rude. Most of the time I think it's justified. Maybe to our worldly minds it is at times. But not according to love. This goes back to number 2.

7. Love is not self-seeking
I am very egotistical. I will jokingly say things a lot, but sometimes it's not a joke. I have been known to put myself on a pillar and think of me as better than others. This goes back to number 5.

8. Love is not easily angered
My biggest flaw. By far. I am angered over the most inane things. Most of the time, I forget why I was even angered in the first place. This goes back to number 1.

9. Love keeps no record of wrongs
I constantly keep records of my friends wrongdoings to justify my actions. I feel that if they are doing something worse than me, I am not wrong. This goes back to number 4 because I will often boast of having less wrongs than others (although I clearly do not).

10. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth
I delight myself in evil things all of the time. I seek revenge, and do everything I just said above.

11. Love always protects
I protect myself and my own reputation before others. Sometimes this relates to number 10.

12. Love always trusts
The only person I trust is my brother. I have been broken by others so many times that I simply cannot trust anyone. Correlates with 13.

13. Love always hopes
I am not a hopeful person. The glass is half empty. I don't have confidence. Correlates with 12.

14. Love always preserves
I have to get everything above right before this is even a possibility.


As you can see, it's hard to work on just one flaw. They all have some sort of correlation with another. The only one with true love is God. This is merely a guide to show us how we should be. God does not expect us to be perfect. Otherwise Jesus would not have died for our sins because the perfect one's could still make it into heaven. But by the grace of God we are saved and loved even though we fall short.
When I take the time to find my shortcomings, I realize that I am a long way off. You cannot teach love. You cannot learn how to love. You have to realize God's love before you can even start.
Take the time to assess your own flaws in love. Is your love patient, kind, protecting, trusting, hopeful and preserving or is it envious, boastful, proud, rude, self-seeking, easily angered, and delighting in evil?

Right v. Wrong

What's the difference between right and wrong? Where do we draw a line between good and evil? How can one person feel fine with doing something and I feel terrible afterwards?

It's all about perspective. What you believe. What you perceive. We aren't born with a sense of morals. If someone grows up on a remote island where cannibalism is practiced they won't think anything is wrong with eating their best friend for dinner. Meanwhile here in the U.S. its ridiculous to even ponder.

So where do our morals come from? Our surroundings. Parents, friends, T.V. etc. What you see around you will build your perception on what's right and what's wrong. Movies and T.V. shows are filled with people seeking revenge, therefore people see revenge as something that's normal, almost expected. Meanwhile I see revenge as the worst possible solution to a problem and use grace as my weapon of choice. Am I better than you for that? No...it's simply what I believe. People that live in a place filled with drugs and alcohol will most likely think its ok to do them. They don't have parents and commercials telling them it's "wrong" and therefore will think nothing wrong.

So its up to you to decide what is right or wrong for yourself. Whatever you believe, and whoever you believe in will have the biggest influence. It's all about perception. There is no such thing as absolute right and wrong in this world. I could tell you what I believe, but if you've read any of my other posts, you've probably gathered a good idea. Just make sure that your perception is your perception. For your reasons, not other peoples. Gather your own morals. Find things out on your own. Never let someone else tell you how to live your life.

Cornerstone, Stephen Christian, and God

The past week was one of the best weeks of my life. We went up to Busnell, Illinois to play at Cornerstone, which is a huge Christian music festival for those who don't know. I knew it was going to be fun, and I knew I would have a good time. I didn't know my life would be impacted in such a huge way. Besides the fact that I saw Anberlin live, I was introduced to a foundation called Faceless International. Faceless International is an organization that travels around the world helping people in need. It focuses on things such as human trafficking (slavery) and poverty. I went to a Q and A session that was hosted by Stephen Christian (Anberlin) and he said that in the U.S. there are over 300,000 slaves. If there are that many in the U.S. alone, think about other countries. Think about countries that has corrupt government that you can just pay off.
I realized that this is what I need to be doing. I feel like God opened up a whole new chapter of my life. He confirmed so many things on this trip that I have been struggling with for a long time. I actually got to meet Stephen, which was incredible. He is such a genuinely nice guy and probably the most humble person I have ever seen. Nothing he does is for his personal gain. He views himself as no different that any other person. I want to be like that. I feel like God wants to use me to help make a difference in the world. I feel like I know what I need to do.
Besides that, my faith is stronger than it has ever been. This summer we have gone all across Tennesee, gone up to Illinois, back down to Tennesee, and tomorrow we are going to Tupelo, Ms. We have not had to pay a cent out of pocket for gas. We've played a few shows where we haven't even gotten any money. We were upset and stressed, but God provided us with the money we need. We've gone over 2500 miles and not had to pay anything for gas. That is amazing. I hope I can keep up this mentality. I pray that God continues to open up my eyes and let me see the things I need to see.

Ow

My head hurts...that is all

I'm poor

My life is a little bit stressful at the moment. I have absolutely no money and I need a lot. We have a couple of shows that I have to drive to and play at, we have to get some money for Cornerstone and I don't have a source of income at the moment. I'm living off of PB and J's and cheap fast food. I'm getting up at 8 in the morning and driving to a new city. I'm hauling equipment around everywhere and worn out from playing shows. I have no idea how to get money for myself after all of this. But I don't care.

Because I couldn't be happier

Nothing...

Even though nothing really is going on right now in this head of mine, I thought I would update. The only thing I'm thinking about is money right now. That along with, touring, girls, printing CDs, getting a job, and realizing I don't have that much to do. But money is priority one. This summer hasn't been all to exciting, but I can't complain. It's a nice change of pace. Plus I get to hang out with people that I don't get to see very often in the school year. I think I'm getting sick. I'm coughing a lot. There is no room for this. Something must be done. Aliyah decided to visit today and sat up by herself for the first time. She's awesome. Just coughed again...and another. Maybe I should start getting more sleep instead of posting a blog near 4 in the morning. There's a song by The Used I could quote here but it has a bad word in it. I'm starting to think that rearranging the keys on my laptop was a bad idea. Especially when I'm laying down with it on my stomach. I'm not using correct typing posture. There goes another cough. Night...

I'm a sucker for a kind word

Ok...now for another boring post about what's been going on in my head. I don't work well when it comes to girls. Why is it that I get attached to any girl who shows me a bit of attention? By the way...I just spelled attached wrong and didn't realize it until I was about to hit publish. I need sleep. Back to the point of the post. I don't trust girls. Yet I let them enter my thoughts and feelings so much that it becomes a problem. The problem is I can do the harmless things when it comes to girls. I can start to like them. I can talk to them, no problem. But I can't get past there. And as much as I sound like a girl, I'm just scared. I haven't opened myself up to a point of vulnerability in quite a while because it took so long for me to put myself back together last time. I've let girls in and out of my life just because of the fact that I can't make myself keep anything going. I'm to the point now where I meet someone new and have two completely different thoughts. One is, "Wow, she is really cool. I could date her." The other is, "No way dude...you remember what happened last time." The latter is always the victor. The only way I can think of to fix this is to find the one that's not going to break my heart again. Possible? Probably not first try. I can go ahead and bet that I'll be back to the same place of distrust after the next girl I meet. And I actually realized recently that I'm starting to get old. Not like...old man, but I'm nearing 21. And I'm seeing a lot of people my age that I know getting married. I don't even have a girlfriend. And I only have like...2 girls that I'm friends with. Well...the ones I actually like. I still have plenty of time, I guess. But I hope in a year or two I look back at this and laugh at the doubtful idiot I once was.

I have enclosed a list for females that might be interested...

1. Must love God more than anything else
2. Must help my faith without condemning or judging me
3. Must like music
4. Good music...no country or rap
5. Must never force me to dance...except at the wedding
6. Must be patient
7. Very patient...I'm a very busy man
8. When I say I don't want to do something with you, i.e. go to one of your friends house, or go shopping, "because I just don't want to" is a reasonable excuse
9. Must thoroughly enjoy, not just tolerate, farts and poop jokes
10. Must never grow up and never expect me to

So there's probably one girl in the entire world who meets these requirements. Which is why I think I might give up. Unless she's reading my blog right now for some reason. And in that case, hit me up.

What a day...

What a day indeed. I woke up feeling good. CDs were arriving. We were about to practice. Nothing could go wrong. But everything did. We got the CDs in. Except the only thing they were good for were coasters. They were data CDs. Meaning they could only be played on computers not CD players. So here we have 250 frisbees. After that my dad calls and said they don't rent out trailers to explorers. So now we have no way of getting our stuff to Mobile on Sunday and no way to start getting some money to get to Cornerstone. Then I was to angry to even practice. Everything fell apart. I got mad. I threw things. I said things I shouldn't have. I did my usual Matt Barnes is mad rant. But then I decided to trust God and sit back and watch.

For one of the first times God decided to use my dad to help us. He's helped us before, but it never really involved him doing much. Just giving us money here and there, and I never felt like he truly wanted to help us. It just felt like he was doing it so we would get our kicks and maybe be done. He offered to take me to his job where they have a CD burner and printer and make a few for this weekend. On the way there he stopped at Home Depot and bought...yes...bought a 5 x 8 trailer. He needs it for some things, but he said it was for us. Then we went to make the CDs and they turned out looking great. He even said we could make the rest of them there.

This is an example of how God always comes through no matter what if its right. I never thought my dad would go this far out of his way to help us. But now I do. For the first time since we started this band, I feel like he really believes we can do something. I don't care as much about the stuff he helped me with as I do having him believe in me. The only thing that has ever held me back is the fact that he didn't. But God is showing my dad that we are going to make it. That we have some work to do for him. And I think he is starting to listen. And all of the thanks goes to God.

Grace v. Mercy

Some people think the definitions of grace and mercy are the same. While similar, they are not. Mercy is the choice not to punish someone for their wrongdoings. Grace is not only granting forgiveness, but rewarding the offender for their wrongs. This is what some people don't understand. When someone does something to offend you, reward them the way God rewards us with salvation, even though we sin. God does not give us mercy. He gives us grace. That's how amazing God's grace really is. Imagine if someone went behind your back, talked bad about you, and even ruined your reputation. I'm sure the first thing on your mind wouldn't even be mercy. The human instinct in us tells us to seek revenge. To make sure they get what they deserve. Most of the time, we don't even think about forgiving, much less rewarding them. Thats the beauty of God. We constantly slip up and sin against him, but he forgives. Not only does he forgive but he rewards us with eternity in heaven. For me, that is hard to fathom. God's forgiveness in never ending. His love is never ending. There is nothing we can do to make God love us more, and there is nothing we can do to make God love us less. Grace is an amazing thing. This world would be lost without it.

Grace brings freedom

As I've been studying grace and forgiveness in amongst people I know, I've realized how bad this problem really is. I've noticed the pettiest of things that people will latch onto and hold grudges for. I've noticed a huge lack of grace. What most people don't understand is that forgiving others will set you free. If something offends you, the simplest way to fix the problem is to forgive them. BEFORE they even ask for an apology. After all, isn't that what God does? Are we not supposed to walk as he would?
It doesn't make sense to hold a grudge. While you are tormented and stressed out because someone offended you, that person is going on living their lives as usual. Other people can't feel your anger. Staying angry and holding a grudge won't affect the other person nearly as much as it affects you. Forgiving sets you free. While it defies anything we feel, it is the only way to be free of anger. It is the only way to truly move on.
Try it. I promise it will work. Next time someone says or does something that offends you, forgive. You don't even have to say anything (although it helps). Just know in your heart that you have forgiven them. Watch their reaction. There is no weapon stronger than grace. People are going to hurt you. People are going to offend you. Are you going to live your life holding grudges, or are you going to free yourself through grace?
You don't have to wait for an apology. You don't have to wait for them to come to you. All you have to do is forgive. It's not an easy thing to do, seeing how when we get offended the last thing on our mind is forgiveness. Regardless of how hard it might be to let go of pride and forgive, the outcome will be much more fulfilling than living your life waiting for an apology.

The consequences of "ungrace"

I fell short today. As I do almost every second of the day. But this one still stings. I talk about grace all the time. I believe that love and grace is what most people that are struggling need. But today...I failed to write love on her arms.
A girl today told me of her struggles. I won't go into details, but I could tell she was hurting. I could tell she needed to know she was loved. Before I could think about it, I shrugged it off and changed the subject. After all...it's her life. Why should I care. She messed it up. She needs to deal with the consequences. Phillip Yancey coined the word "ungrace" in his book "What's So Amazing About Grace?" I think it's sufficient to use here.
I feel like such a hypocrite. Isn't this exactly what I have been feeling? Do I not pray every night for God to show his love through me, to send me people in need so that I can show them grace? That's all I've been able to think about. But when the time came to act, I failed. I feel like Peter when he promised God he loved him, but then when the time came to act, he denied him not once, but three times.
I've stated this many times, but I think it bears repeating. So many people in this world are lost and depressed. Their only way out is to see the grace and the love of God. It could be as simple as saying to them, "Hey...no matter what you do, I will still love you, and God will still love you."
This is a wake up call for me. For my own spiritual life, and to show me how hard it can be to show grace. It sounds so simple. Show the world grace, and people will be saved. Yet even as obsessed as I am with grace, I fall short when I need to show it most. Is this why so many people out there are struggling with their lives due to ungrace and a lack of love. It is a challenge to show people grace. Grace defies all common sense. People are so used to saying, "Well, they deserve it, then." How many times do people slip through our fingers when they are right there waiting to receive it. How many souls have been lost due to suicide because no one took the time to tell them they were loved? How many times have we failed to write love on someone's arms?

We need to wake up as Christians. Myself definitely included. We need to get out of our own "perfect" lives and start spreading grace. I won't stand for this anymore. I won't sit here and watch someone's life continue to fall apart because of ungrace. Not just with this one person, but with everyone God sends my way. I just pray that next time, I will see...and I will be ready.

...But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord
-Romans 5:20-21

Words don't always need to be spoken

Tonight I had an experience that I will never forget. For the first time, I truly felt God working through me. We played a show tonight at a Christian event. We were skeptical going on, especially since the previous band was a worship band, then a man shared his testimony, then they had an alter call. Not what we're used to at all. But we went out there anyway and played just like we always play. After the show, we had people lined up at our merch table, young and old, asking for pictures and autographs. One man actually had us sign his bible. Then a woman came up and said to us, " I have been debating whether or not to come over and tell you this, but I feel like God wants me to. I grew up listening to rock and roll and used to go see bands like ACDC and didn't know how it was affecting my life. I just want to let you know that God is using you and you guys are making a difference, and I can see God in you." After she said that, I was truly humbled. I realized for the first time, that God really was with us 100 percent. We didn't preach, we didn't play worship songs, and we didn't even say anything about being Christians, but she felt it. Other people felt it. That's God. That was not us. I realized that everything we do as a band is for God. This isn't my band. It belongs to God, and it is our way of serving him. To be able to send out a message without even saying a word about God...that's powerful. That's something big. This is what I believe we have that other bands don't. This is our way of reaching out to people. And I feel like this is a huge step towards something big. We had no right to take credit for what we did tonight. It all belongs to God. And I am perfectly fine with that.


Finally...I'm starting to get a picture of what God is about to unfold in my life. And I love it. I pray that he will continue to use me in this way to minister to people who need it.

Amazing Grace

I've felt a tug a my heart recently. I finally think I've found my "calling", if you will. I've had so many thoughts in my head, but there are way to many to put in a song or in a blog. So I've decided I'm going to write a book. This isn't what I feel I'm called to do, but this is the beginning. I don't know if it will ever get published or if anyone else will ever even read it, but right now I have thoughts that I feel like the world needs to hear and I can't let them float around in my head anymore.
I basically feel like the world needs to hear more about grace. The world needs more of it, and they need to know that God has unlimited grace. I think that the majority of unbelievers feel like they've done too much. They feel like their sins or unforgivable. I also feel that there are many people out there who have never experienced grace. No one, whether that be family, friends, or even the church, has ever shown it to them. People don't know what it's like to mess up and have someone say, "Hey...it's ok. I forgive you and I love you." It saddens my heart that people have never felt love and don't believe that there is grace out there for them. And I hate to say it, but a big reason is churches. I'm not slamming the idea of church by any means. It's an amazing thing to have somewhere to go and fellowship and worship God with other people. But I don't think anyone should ever be turned away from a church no matter what they've done. People that are lost will never even consider church because a lot of them have become judgmental and make them feel even worse. My own sister doesn't even feel welcome at our own church because when she became pregnant people asked to pray for her. And when they prayed, they didn't talk about how she was loved and forgiven for the things she has done, but they used words like "mistake" constantly and prayed that God would forgive her of her sins. While that may seem like a good prayer from a believers standpoint, it makes people that already feel unwelcome feel it even more.
People have come to the mindset that church is for people that are already saved, and that people with sins aren't welcome. Church goers might ask God for forgiveness for things they have done themselves, but not even be willing to forgive other people for things that have offended them. I want to change that. I want to make a difference. I want people to think of church as a place of grace, and not a place of judgment. I want sinners, not matter who they are: murderers, alcoholics, prostitutes, drug abusers, etc. to know that they are welcome. I want them to know that they can go to a church and find grace. To find love. And to find peace.

C.S. Lewis said that the only thing unique about Christianity from other religions is grace. No other religion has unlimited grace. Why don't we use this? Why is it often ignored? Shouldn't the biggest strength be used the most? Nothing can show love more than grace. Nothing. I challenge you to find something that does. Nothing you can buy...nothing you can say....nothing you can do can make a person feel more loved than someone saying, "I forgive you, and I will always love you no matter what you do." It's time to make a change.


Then came Peter to him, and said, "Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?"

Jesus saith unto him, "I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven."

-Matthew 18:21-22

Finals!!! WOOOO!!! YEA!!!

It's finals week. Which means long boring nights of studying and drinking a lot of coffee. I think I've become immune. I can drink 4 cups of coffee and go to sleep. So I'm taking a break from learning about the planets to write some stuff down.

With finals, also comes the end of another year of school. My third year of college is coming to a close, and it makes me think about how fast things are going by. It's weird thinking that in 2 years, I'll be done with school, never to have to worry about writing papers, or studying again. After 17 years of school I will have done my time. Everyone always says, "Enjoy college because after that comes real life." Yea, well I'm not planning on having a so called "real life". My life won't be an 8-5 where I have some manager tell me what to do all day. My life won't be sitting there day after day hating what I'm doing. I'm going to follow my dreams. I refuse to have a job other than playing music. Parents are always telling me how hard it is to make it in that type of field. But I say nay parents. It's not that hard if you try hard enough. Approximately 100 bands get signed each year. Those are good odds in my opinion. Especially seeing how I got about 30 years left before I have a heart attack from not eating healthy. If my calculations are correct, thats about 3000 bands that will get signed. And also seeing how we're actually good, I'll take my chances. Even though a lot of those are small indie labels, I don't care. If I'm making enough money to get by and doing what I love I could care less. If my job is getting up on stage and playing then I'll live off two pairs of clothes. I'll live in a house with 4 other guys. I'll take not having a big T.V. or a nice car. Those things don't matter to me. And I don't know why they do for anyone. For starters, what's the point in having a Lexus if you aren't happy? You'll eventually get tired of it. Then what? Buy another one and continue hating the fact that you're life is bland?

Disclaimer real quick: Not saying that all "normal" jobs are bad. My dreams differ from those of most and this is my opinion. If you're reading this and getting pissed because I'm describing you, ask yourself if you're happy. If the answer is yes, then I'm not talking about you.

Moving on...basically the last thing I want to do is be old and regretful. Even if this fails and I'm stuck without a job, I'll still be happy that I took the chance. But when it doesn't fail and I'm living out my dreams and making millions in the music industry...I will remember those who told me I wouldn't make it. I'll remember the ones who discouraged me. But I won't come back and slam them. That's not me. Hopefully I will be an encouragement for other people to follow their own dreams. Maybe even the ones who are discouraging me now. Because landing your dream job, or doing something you've always wanted to do isn't about luck. It's about persevering. Pushing through the hard times. Continuously asking yourself how bad you want it. And with that being said, I'll also remember the people who encouraged me. The people that had faith and told me I could make it. They will be rewarded.

I went off topic a little bit. That's what I normally do though. I just type as I think and my thoughts are very random. I guess my main point, or thesis if you will, is to never discourage other people from doing what they want. Don't tell people they won't make it. Don't tell people it's to hard. Because sometimes, they listen. I'm lucky I didn't.