This was going to be a tweet, but it's too long. So now it's a blog post. I think I can honestly say that this is the best chorus to a song that has ever been written. I can't name a favorite song. Or even a favorite band. But i have a favorite chorus. It might sound familiar since i have mentioned it before.

it's a fight between my heart and mind, and i don't want to win this time
In the epic fight of grace and pride, no one really wins this time
-copeland - no one really wins

I think my heart and mind conflict more than auburn and alabama fans. And my grace and pride even more than that. Who wants a Star Wars reference? Ooohh i do!

In Star Wars, Luke overcomes the dark side with his heart rather than his mind. He eventually brings Vader back with feelings rather than logic. When he uses logic in The Empire Strikes Back in an attempt to win, he gets his hand cut off. I like my hands. And the synthetics now just aren't as good as they were back then. And far far away.

I just don't want to win. I don't want conflict. My mind doesn't like my heart. I want to know what i'm supposed to do. I want to know what's right. But what i do know, is that in the midst of my conflicts, i will gain wisdom and become a better person. As far as grace and pride. they'll be fighting until i die. But i hope grace wins. And keeps pride in a headlock until it does

Good morning fire eater...

So, I don't have much to talk about. Just letting everyone know I'm still alive. The reasoning behind not having much to talk about is most likely due to shutting off my brain. It's been relaxing. Taking a break from normal life is a very good thing. Especially if you take a break from your normal life, and vacation to an older normal life. It's cool to have a group of friends that I can just pick up where we left off. Those are the ones that I know I'll be friends with the rest of my life. And poop, fart, and wiener jokes are still just as funny now as they were when I was 6. I don't even wonder when I'm going to grow up anymore. Because I decided I wasn't going to. When I'm 50, I hope that my friend will let out a fart that sounds like a muted trombone mixed with pop rocks and we'll laugh for an hour. I just don't want to take life too seriously. Do you think anyone in the country actually thinks farts are not funny? Or when someone falls down stairs? No, that stuff is hilarious. But people that take their lives too seriously forget how to laugh. That's what I don't want. I'll grow up if that means gaining wisdom, drinking darker beer, and paying a mortgage. But not if it means sacrificing who I am. Not if it means I can't laugh at youtube videos of fat black women falling off a table.

But then after thinking about this...what defines humor? When I was 8, I thought All That was hilarious. Then I grew out of it and started watching Saturday Night Live. All That just wasn't funny anymore. Or I wonder how one person could think a movie, let's say A Christmas Story, is in the top 5 funniest of all time. Meanwhile someone else absolutely hates it. Or a foreign girl gets hit by a car. She's ok, no injuries. I laugh. The man in the car next to me is freaking out calling 38 ambulances and 19 fire trucks to check on her. Maybe I will grow out of this 12 year old humor stage. I hope not. Because It's awesome.

I laugh when people fall down stairs.

Hello people that read about me. By now, you're probably wondering...will this be a serious rant about my seemingly awful life or something humorous? i'll try and go with the latter. I don't have much to complain about. But i'm not really feeling funny. So maybe i'll go halfway. i'm going to try and go christmas shopping tomorrow. Which is better than last year's christmas eve procrastination. All of my attention will be focused on not saying or doing something that i might regret. Examples: choking the woman in front of me using 30 coupons and not understanding what you can use only one means. Or simulating a game of red rover by crashing through the line of people that feel like walking through the mall as slow as possible. Or slashing the tires of the car that blocks traffic to wait for the person to walk from the store to their car and leave so they get a better parking spot. I will never do these things. Only think them. Which is why they are on here.

Other news...dgn starts practice tomorrow. The saints lost today. Pretty upset about that. There is a lot of good cheese at my parents house. Pretty ecstatic about that. I get to take frequent naps on account of having nothing to do. that's about it. I really hope this posts in one piece so i don't have to go to a computer and delete 10 entries

Numb

I have probably written more papers and essays this semester than I ever have in my entire life. Over 40 pages. Ironic that the first thing I do when they are completed is write more. Though I want to write, nothing is coming out. I had a long drive today and had so many thoughts going through my mind. Now it seems as though they all left because my brain couldn't contain them due to excessive thinking and typing. So here I am. Staring at a computer monitor with nothing going through my mind. It's almost like I'm numb. I now realize, this has been my most common emotion throughout this semester. Numb. I don't know why. I'm just not feeling emotion. Maybe it's because of my dependence on coffee to stay awake. Or the 5 hours of sleep every night. Emotions will come in spurts, then quickly disappear. The spurts make up the majority of my rants posted on this blog. As soon as I hit publish post and take a second, I no longer feel the way I felt while writing. I don't feel anything. I wonder if that was really how I felt. I have been tempted to delete a few, but they're there for the purpose of archiving for myself. I want to remember how I was feeling last month. I want to know what was going through my mind, even if only for a second. I want to see the conflict in my life. I think the numbness is my mind's way of sheltering my heart from the conflict that I'm dealing with. But I don't want that. I want to feel something, even if it's sadness. I've gotten to the point where I can just sit there and think about nothing. Absolutely nothing. I didn't think that was possible. I can't wait to be completely done with this semester. I think I just need a break that lasts longer than a few hours.

Hey look, I wrote something. I enjoy rambling. Now I will say something random, funny, and embarrassing about myself in order to lighten the mood. When I was a kid, I would wear a towel as a cape and pretend I was Underdog.

Idea. More of a wish that will never happen. Whenever i have those moments in life where i know what i'm trying to emote to someone, yet can't find the words, i wish i could just give them a song. Music makes everything so much better. For one, it puts a bunch of random thoughts into perfect poetry. For two, the melody and instruments behind the words make them so much more meaningful. You could write a song about a recent breakup with all of your raw, sad, and depressing emotions, put a beautiful melody behind it and then it becomes a song of hope. You could also write a song about being in love with the same melody and instead of a sappy love song, it is pure and beautiful and has a whole new meaning. I just think the best way to express your true emotions is by combining poetry with melody. I don't think the full extent can be grasped without it. Instead of a thought, you have a journey. Instead of a sentence, you have a story. Emotions are an odd thing to grasp, much less explain. I feel emotions every day that they haven't even named. The closest thing to describing them is with a song. Wouldn't it be wonderful if that was how we shared our feelings? My song tonight is The Symphony of Blasé by Anberlin.

Why I am disappointed at the end of the night.

In case you have some extra money...

Here's a Christmas list for you to view and select an item for me. I have to give Donald Miller credit for this idea so I don't appear to be plagiarizing and stealing ideas. Even though I am definitely stealing this idea. But not the content.
1. Touring Van

We need something to tour in other than what we have now. I started thinking about the things that were important: Safety, security, and space. Well...I've found it. It only goes 40 mph. But I would like to see someone try to break into this thing. Not to mention it has a 400 watt PA system, so no need for a venue! Just pull up wherever and play the show from the roof!

http://bit.ly/rlQ2U

2. A way to make my life even lazier (part 1)


For some reason, whenever I sit in a chair with wheels, I feel like it is no longer necessary to stand up for the rest of the day. This soon becomes a problem, as my legs get tired from rolling, completely defeating the purpose. Not anymore. Now I can just grapple onto a doorframe, the refrigerator, or my roommate and pull myself wherever I go. This is such a genius idea. This device should be renamed from "Ninja Grappling Hook" to "Pull Yourself Around In A Rolly Chair Thingy".

http://bit.ly/7plOXY

3. Sleep Jams

Ever been listening to Radiohead while trying to sleep? It's all good until that chorus to Creep kicks in and you're startled awake. Wish there was a way to listen to Radiohead without the loud distortion and drums? THERE IS!!! Introducing the greatest album of all time: Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of Radiohead. This is so sure to put me to sleep that I don't even need a backup plan. Why wasn't this around on cassette tape or 8-track when I was a baby? I want this now! However, I probably would have cried if I saw the album cover. Definitely not kid material.

http://bit.ly/5FrQdh

4. Lazy (Part 2)

This one's for Whitney. So I try to floss as much as I can. But sometimes, that extra minute is just too hard on my life. I could be doing so many other things with that minute, that it would take me a minute to think of something, then another minute to do it, then realize I just wasted a minute thinking about it, and floss anyway. Now we're just losing time all over the place. Be more efficient with your oral hygiene! This device does both at the same time! I know, right? Genius. All it needs is a mouthwash injector. And maybe an iPod dock attached to it somewhere.

http://bit.ly/6YxKMm

5. Ridiculous Coffee Maker

I want this. Not much to say about it. Do people who actually buy this even stop to think that there are people in the world that don't even get water? I mean...2 grand for some coffee? Someone has to be serious. I personally prefer my 15 dollar coffee maker and 15 dollar bean grinder. But if it costs this much...it has to be good. Right?

http://bit.ly/4UNKTP

More to come later. I'm getting sleepy.

This next post has absolutely no purpose

It is really early. About 6am. Rosanne is on. Why am I still awake? A suitable title to this blog would be, "the delirious rants of Matt Barnes. Perhaps one would find humor in this. However, I'm more concerned about waking up and laughing at the outcome of what I am typing now. Rosanne is talking to her daughter about her sex life. Awkward. This must have been really controversial for the times. I'm about to wrap up the semester. Which is awesome. And at the same time, a little ridiculous. I have 7 pages of a 15 page paper written. I have to start and finish a take home essay final exam. The walk/jog/run exam will be easy. I have to finish a film soundtrack for another class. And I hope the other people in my group have completed the presentation for another class. I think that's it. I'm really tired. I'm glad I don't have to wake up in 2 hours like some people. Bless them. Ok. Here comes sleep. Death Cab will take me there. They've been the jam lately. Goodnight blogspot.

Drum tracking. Woooo

I tracked some drums today. Here is a video of my poor performance. Try and find the spot where I get confused and don't know what to do.

Since i have a borrowed book and am choosing not to deface it with highlights, folded pages, notes, and random thoughts suitable for twitter, i thought i would post my favorite or thought provoking quotes on here. All of the following are from Donald Miller.

"life isn't memorable enough to remember everything. it's not like there are explosions happening all the time or dogs smoking cigarettes"
P.4

"one of the things that gives me hope is that, even with all the tragedy that happens in the world, the Bible says that when we get to heaven, there will be a wedding and there will be drinking and there will be dancing"
P.32

"we get robbed of the glory of life because we aren't capable of remembering how we got here"
P.58

"i've wondered, though, if one of the reasons we fail to acknowledge the brilliance of life is because we don't want the responsibilities inherent in the acknowledgement"
P.59

The next chapter seems important. i'd rather not be half asleep when i read it. Plus, Band of Horses has done a really good job of making me calm and relaxed. I hope sleep comes easier than last night. Switching to Kindo/Iron and Wine playlist. Goodnight, people that are interested in my story.

I don't want to win this time

This will be short and to the point. No editing. No backspace. Just typing and not looking back. I have one question. Is it possible for me to be happy, while at the same time making others happy? Simple answer. No. It is not. And here's why. Everyone is constantly writing their own story. Everyone's life is a book or a movie, yet to be published. We all write our own stories about how our life is supposed to turn out. Everyone has their own passions and their own dreams and their own goals. Everyone has their own story planned out. So if my story is different from another person's that involved me, why should there be suffering? Why do we have to experience pain? Why do I have to feel like such a horrible person right now because I'm continuing to write my story the way I think it needs to go? I wish there was an answer. To any of these questions. But there's not. You can ponder it all you want. Try to find meaning. Try to find reason. But it just isn't there. Is it right to put someone through suffering and heartbreak because I feel in my heart that it is the right thing to do? (Not putting them through the pain and suffering, but the things that surround it).

Here's the bigger question that I do have an answer to. Or at least I have hope. If I do something that my heart is telling me to do, why am I feeling like such a terrible person? All I try to do is stay happy and be the best person I can be. But right now, I feel like a failure. My hope is that it's because its for the best. Cliche answer, I know. But that's the only thing I can think of. I feel like my heart is like a mom who tells their teenager that they can't go to the party. The worst thing of all...I can't explain myself. Except being honest and saying what I feel. That should at least count for something, right? Well...it doesn't right now. I still feel like the worst person in the world.

So I said this was going to be short...sorry. But here's another paragraph. I know that there is no good story without tragedy or heartbreak. No one wants to read a book where everything is happy the entire time. No irony. No twist. No failure. But the point of putting these things in a story is to learn from them. Things happen. Stories collide. Feelings are different. Things don't always work out the way they are planned in the beginning. If they did, I would married to a girl from middle school, a major league baseball player, an NFL quarterback, a fireman, a power ranger, and going to school at the University of Kentucky. Life changes. Our stories change. That's what makes them interesting. That's what gives us wisdom. That's what gives us the strength for the next chapter in our book. And hopefully...soon...I will have enough strength and wisdom to have that happy chapter. Where I do everything right. Where my story works out the way another's does. My main goal is to get from that first sentence to the last knowing that I was happier than I was sad. I'm in control of my life. It's time to start acting like it.

I'm in a fight between heart and mind, grace and pride. And I don't want to win.

Cell update. No computer, yet things to say. Since i can't put i title, i'll do it here, fall out boy style: thnks fr th mtvtn . As most people, i thought about what i was thankful for today. There were a lot of things. But one thing that stuck out more than anything else were the people in my life that help me get to the next day. My old friends that i've known for years, and people i have recently met or rekindled a friendship with. If you are reading this, you are most likely one of them. I have a passion in my life. I have a goal. I know that there's one thing that i want to do for the rest of my life. But sometimes i get discouraged. I feel like it's not going to happen, or it's not possible. And to be honest...there are 3 people in my life right now keeping this flame lit. You know who you are. And when i thought about it, that is what i'm most thankful for. Not money. Not health. But people that support me. Because without you, i would have nothing. I would be nothing. So this is my thank you. To all of those that have ever given me hope. To those that have reminded me that i am unique. And to those that have excited me about my life when i lose all desire. You are greatly appreciated and loved.

The Game 101

I'm sitting here waiting on a paper to be sent via email so I can combine it with mine and put the finishing touches on. So I thought...why not blog? After this, I'll be done with school for a week or two. Kind of excited about that.

So here's something I've wanted to write about for a while now. I've been around for a while. Been in college for 4 1/2 years now. Been in a few relationships. Seen a lot more. Derived one thing. It's turned into a game. Yes. A Game. Like, two sides competing to win. I grew up thinking that two people fall in love and are there for each other no matter what. I believed that a relationship was supposed to be two people that supported each other and helped each other through hard times. This is far from today's modern version of a relationship. I've learned the insides and outs of the game, and while refusing to play anymore, I will enlighten you as to what I've learned so that you can keep an eye out for the signs. Disclaimer that I feel is needed in order to not start fires: This is not about a single person or a single relationship. This is my life's worth of experience with my own relationships and witnessing others.

The Purpose of the Game: How to win.

The game has one ultimate objective: to show that you have power over the other person in the relationship. I will later discuss the many tactics and ways used to win. The basic point is to try and be "the pants" of the relationship, if you will. To be the one in control. It is no longer about equality. It's about being able to get what you want.


Conscious v Subconscious

The game can either be played subconsciously or consciously. The majority of the time, people in a relationship doesn't even know it's happening. In my opinion, the greatest human flaw is that we strive for power and will go through great lengths to get it. Some of us are overcome by a craving for power. These would be our corrupt politicians an extortionists. For most people, being powerless is an awful feeling. With this longing to have power, we sometimes attempt to establish it in a relationship without even knowing. Ever had those times where you say something, then 3 days later you realize that you meant none of it and had no idea why you said it? Because at the time, you were trying to stand firm on something, whether it was right or wrong, and didn't care. Because you wanted the power. The upper hand. It could also be very conscious. Sometimes, people know exactly what they are doing. They know they are trying to get the best of someone. And they know that they are trying to break someone down so they can come out on top.

Strategies: How to win

So there are a variety of ways to play the game. I will name a few and you'll probably get the picture. The most common form in today's world is Facebook status updates. Yea...I'm not kidding. Rather than talking to the person they are having a problem with, they will put a facebook status up. You know what I'm talking about. "So and so" thinks that some people need to figure some things out. I just made that one up, it wasn't a real example. But you get it. The second most common strategy is a game within the game that I like to call, "Guess what's wrong." This is all to familiar to most. In this, the person's communications will be short and minute. They will appear to be in a bad mood. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing". Something is clearly wrong. The idea is to know what you did wrong and admit it to them. The third strategy I will talk about is when the other person will act uninterested. They won't answer calls or texts and act like they don't care if the relationship fails. When they do. They just want to give off the appearance that they don't in order to show that they have power. Teammates also come into play. The person will get one of their close friends to validate everything they're saying and bring it as ammunition. "Well, Joqueeshia said that she saw you looking at Yolandeesha with googly eyes the other day." You probably weren't. But it doesn't matter. Because she has a teammate that said you were. The best part about teammates? They don't even have to know what's going on. They don't even have to know the truth. Everything they say is considered fact.

How To Win: The catch-22

If you win this game in the aspects that I have talked about, you will ultimately lose. I believe that today's divorce rate is so high now because of the game. Once people get married, the one who is losing gets sick of it and arguments stir up, they're too far in the game to come to an agreement, and they end up divorcing. Love loses to pride. To truly win at this game, you can neither win or lose. You have to stop playing. You have to take the knee. If you are meant to be with this person, they will realize what's going on. They will realize that they are trying to be too controlling. Here's the not so great part. If you aren't meant to be and do end up breaking up, you have to lay your pride down. They will feel victorious. Like they've won. They will probably tell all their friends about how they broke up with you because you are a jerk. They'll update their facebook status and tell everyone how happy and free they are. This is the most crucial part of the game. You can't go back. Once you quit, you stay out. You have to lay your pride down and accept yourself as the true winner. Here's the part that's good. When you do lay out, you will be much happier with yourself. You will truly feel free, and you will truly feel happy. Meanwhile, they will be happy on the outside, yet crushed on the inside. Not necessarily because it didn't work out, but because they couldn't control the situation the way they wanted to. It's kind of sad actually.

So I wrote this kind of as a humorous post. Trying to get some laughs. But this stuff is actually real. There is a game that goes on. And I won't play it anymore. You're supposed to be with someone who will help you through problems not create them. You're supposed to be with someone who will left you up, not break you down. Next time you are either in a fight, or witness a fight in a relationship, put these concepts to mind. They're real. And they're happening. It's kind of discouraging really. The love is being overcome by power and greed. I guess that's the way the world works. It might just be a case of immaturity. I hope as we get older, the game stops. Or I guess I'll just be single the rest of my life. Love is not a game. And I refuse to let it be.

White lies, bloodshot eyes

I'm in zombie mode right now. I'm basically surviving on caffeine and have a hard time showing any emotion. Or feeling any emotion for that matter. Kind of like in Garden State. Except I'm not taking pills. Just drinking heavy amounts of coffee to contradict the stress and sloth. Since I am not really feeling any emotions, this post might be more logical than raw. I dunno. We'll see what happens.

I watched an episode of Sex and the City the other day. Don't ask. Don't judge. I just did. I immediately noticed that the girls in this show freak out over the absolute dumbest things. Things that aren't big deals suddenly become blown way out of proportion just by the mere fact of gossip between all of their friends. This actually angered me. Yes. I was angered over a stupid TV show. Then I started to realize that this is a cause to a lot of problems in society today. Meaningless and stupid crap gets blown out of proportion by rumors. It gets so skewed that the truth doesn't even matter anymore. I try to stay out of politics, but this was the "cause" of going to Iraq. There were rumors of WMD's. Not based on fact or truth. Rumors. Turned out not to be true. But we have soldiers fighting over there. Whether or not they should be is not my call. This is not the time, nor the place for that. My point is that people are so obsessed with drama that they can't live without it. They will make decisions based off opinions rather than fact. I mean, we have television shows promoting drama that are eaten up. Do you think all of the drama in these reality shows is real? Of course not. It's scripted to get better ratings. Why do they get better ratings? Because people eat it up.

Our society is addicted to drama. It's killing us. Friendships are ruined. Truth no longer matters. What is truth anymore? Has it really been conformed into rumors and opinions? If I start a rumor that the color orange is now green does that make it true? No, that sounds silly. But translate it into real life and it is happening. We have developed a way to create our own truths. The simple fact is, the truth is too boring for us. Too mundane. It's almost like we have to have a grudge at all times. If everyone is forgiven, we must find more false information in order to start drama with someone else.

Are people so bored with their own lives that they have to ruin others? Apparently. The saddest thing of all? Reality TV shows are now very much real. Because our society has molded themselves to these shows. This is not how life is supposed to be. My life is not supposed to take a hit when I did absolutely nothing wrong. I am not supposed to feel like crap because of something I didn't even do. So I won't. I still know what my own truths are. I can still tell the difference between fact and fiction. I still trust people when they look me in the eyes and tell me they are telling the truth.

Do you let other people define your truth?

Or do you stand by what you believe is real?

To all the Star Wars nerds like myself...

I'm to brained out to think of anything to write. So instead, I'm going to post this incredibly nerdy essay exam that I just completed. If you actually read this, which would be slightly incredible, you will see that I have seen Star Wars waaaayyyy too many times. So...here is the hero's journey as seen through Luke Skywalker in the original Star Wars trilogy.

Define in depth the hero’s journey for a single character in either of the trilogies (Star Wars or The Matrix) in each of the three films and in the trilogy as a whole.

In the Star Wars trilogy, Luke Skywalker completes the hero’s journey. In A New Hope, Luke started out the trilogy as a young farmer who worked for his uncle in his ordinary world on the planet Tantooine. The journey began when his uncle purchased R2D2 and the holographic image of Princess Leia. Soon after, he meets Ben Kenobie, his soon to be mentor who furthers the call by asking him to go with him to defeat the imperial forces. Luke refuses the call because his Uncle Owen says he must stay and help with the harvest. When Luke returns from Ben Kenobie’s house, he finds that his entire village has been burned down and his aunt and uncle had been killed. This allows Luke to answer his call to adventure due to the fact that he doesn’t have a reason to stay on Tantooine anymore. Before Luke could get past the threshold, he had to get past the guardians. The guardians in this episode were the aliens in the Mos Eisley Cantina and the storm troopers that were attempting to capture R2D2 for his information on how to destroy the Death Star. Once Luke escapes the troubles with help from his mentor, now referred to as Obi-Wan Kenobi, he crosses the threshold by leaving Tantooine. At this point, Luke is starting to discover his purpose because he knows there is no turning back. He is aboard the Millennium Falcon with his allies, R2D2, C3PO, Han Solo, and Chewbacca. His enemies are Darth Vader and all of the imperial forces. The first test he is put through is when Obi-Wan uses the remote droid to fire lasers at Luke while he wears a shield over his eyes and has only a light saber to deflect them. This is when Luke finds out how to use the force. Luke approaches his innermost cave when he is aboard the Death Star and must let Obi-Wan be killed by Darth Vader. Ben assures him that once he is dead, he will be more powerful than ever through the force. Luke is torn between attempting to save his mentor or save himself along with the rest of the crew. The reward from escaping comes when they get away with Princess Leia and the plans to the Death star. After they get back to the rebel station, they find a way to destroy the Death Star. Once they have this knowledge, Luke embarks on his second ordeal. He must get through all of the imperial fighter pilots and the lasers aboard the Death Star to make a nearly impossible shot to destroy it. Luke eventually succeeds with the help of his ally, Han Solo, and his mentor, Obi-Wan, returning to tell Luke to use the force. They then escape the exploding Death Star and begin the road back to the rebel base. It is there that Luke receives praise and reward from all of the rebel troops.
In the next film, The Empire Strikes Back, Obi-Wan gives Luke his call to adventure by appearing and telling him to go to Degobagh to train with Yoda. Luke answers the call and by embarking to Degobagh and meeting his new mentor, Yoda. The threshold is crossed when Luke crash lands into a pond and cannot turn back. Luke’s tests begin when he starts training with Yoda. He then begins seeing visions and knows that his allies from the previous episode are in peril. He approaches his innermost cave when he caves into Vader’s trap. Despite Yoda’s pleas and his better judgment, he goes to save them, leaving his training unfinished. Luke knows his ordeal and plans to face it anyway. Darth Vader has captured Leia, Han, and Chewbacca knowing that they would draw Luke to him. Once Luke arrives, he has to battle Vader. Vader tells him that he is Luke’s father, which puts Luke into another cave, and another ordeal, knowing that he must kill his own father. Once Luke escapes, he uses the force to contact Leia, who we now know is his sister. The episode ends with a return to the rebel base, and Luke being fitted with an artificial hand, which was cut off by Vader. There is no reward for Luke at the end of this episode.
In episode VI, The Return of the Jedi, Luke is on his own. He does meet a new mentor, as he is now a fully trained Jedi Knight, although Obi-Wan and Yoda are still with him through the force. The episode starts out with a test for Luke. He must free all of his allies who have been captured by Jabba the Hutt. After freeing them, he returns to Degobagh and quickly approaches another cave. He finds that Yoda is sick and on the verge of death. His dying mentor tells Luke that his training is complete and that he must confront his father, Darth Vader. Luke then knows what he has to do. His final ordeal will be to face and defeat his father. When Luke does confront and fight Vader, he realizes that killing him would only bring out the dark side in him. He cannot succumb to anger and hate and insists that Vader still has some good left in him. He decides to let the emperor kill him rather than turn to the dark side. Before he can, Vader finds the little good he has left and destroys the emperor. Luke then gains his final reward, which was the destruction of the imperial forces. The resurrection is when Luke returns to Endor with the rebel forces and joins in the celebrations along with images of his past mentors, Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Anikin Skywalker.

Battle Studies. Lyrics Pick of the Album

I would like to share with you, the Matt Barnes Battle Studies lyrics pick of the album. Putting into words what I've felt way too many times.

John Mayer - Half of My Heart

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
Then you come crashing in like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you with half of my heart

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang until the day you came
Showing me another way and all that my love can bring

Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you with half of my heart

Your faith is strong, but I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
But I can't stop loving you with half of my heart

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination
Half of my heart's got you
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won't do

Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man who's never truly loved anything

I don't know what to write

I'm feeling bloggable. I made that word up. That is my current emotion. Wanna fight about it? Besides tired, stressed, and annoyed, which are also taking effect. This week is about to kill me. I have way to much stuff to do. I just finished making a portfolio of the better things that I have recorded in my lifetime, I have to finish up a soundtrack for a film that isn't even finished yet, start and finish a paper for a group project (which involves meeting with my group), start and finish an essay exam (probably at least 8 pages), watch The Matrix Trilogy in order to complete some of the essay questions on this exam, buy a book, read the book, then write a book report on it, go to a mock interview, worry about not having money, go to work to get money, watch It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia and The League, sleep at some point, have studio time with Ben Skipworth, run a lot, clean my house, wash clothes, clean my car, tweet a few times, get Toph something for his birthday, go to a meeting for my internship next semester, go to a writing center advising, and not die. That is a summary of the basic things I have to do in the coming week. Not looking forward to it. If the list doesn't look big to you then you should see my list on a normal week. Wake up, go to class, go to work, watch tv, eat, sleep, repeat. Copeland reference. If you got it, then you are a cool kid. If not, listen to more Copeland. Oh yea, I also need to shower soon. It's getting a bit ridiculous. Don't come near me until I've cleared you.

Soundtrack all week: The Reign of Kindo - Rhythm, Chord, and Melody
Book I'll be re-reading...again: A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers.

TWLOHA Day

Today is TWLOHA day. Although it was not started by any of the TWLOHA staff, I feel this is a good opportunity to share. If you know what To Write Love On Her Arms is, you might have seen this before. But if you've seen people wearing the shirts and think it's a band, you should read this. People every day are overcome with depression. Granted there are people falsely claiming depression for attention, there are people out there that are really struggling. When I say struggling, I don't mean wallowing in self pity. I mean struggling in the aspects of not knowing what to do. Not knowing how to deal with it. Turning to drugs. Turning to cutting. In the worst way, turning to suicide. Drugs and cutting are no real solution to depression. Only a short term high that will quickly envelope lives. But sometimes when you are at a desperate point in your life, you will do anything to alleviate the pain. This is what To Write Love On Her Arms is trying to overcome.

Although depression comes from various symptoms and happenings in people's lives, people that rely on addictions as an escape all have one thing in common. A lack of love in their life. They have nobody that comes up to them and shares love with them. They are by themselves. Lost. And that is both a sad thing and also a good thing. The sad being that someone can loose complete control of their life and turn to drugs and cutting because they have no one to show them love. The good news is that love is free. It costs nothing to simply hear someone out and show them that you care. I have been truly amazed at real life examples of people being touched by the love of a complete stranger. Sometimes, people just need to be reminded that they are something. Their life matters to someone else.

So what can you do? What can we do? Sure, you can buy the shirts. You can donate money. That all goes towards the cause. But the biggest impact we can make is just showing more love. There are people in everyone's life suffering from depression. Maybe not to the extremes, but nonetheless not happy with their lives. Just the simple act of caring will go a long way. If you know someone who is to the point of addiction and cutting, talk to them. Don't stand by and watch someone ruin their life. You don't even have to have great advice. Or a solution to the problem. You just have to show some love. Sure, love is not the complete cure. But it's the first step. And the most important step. Also, simply raising awareness. 2 out of 3 people don't talk to anyone about their depression. Your best friend could be in pieces right now. But they don't know what to do, or where to go, or are ashamed to talk about it. By simply raising awareness, people that would never talk to anyone might see an opportunity. Whether they see it as a chance to talk to you, or seek professional help, just simply telling people that there is help, and there are people who care can go a long way.

I am distraught over every suicide that I hear about. Even someone that I never knew and probably never would. What is worse than that is I personally knew people that have committed suicide. All I can think is...it could have been stopped. Someone could have done something. I could have done something. But no one did. No one wanted to listen. The fact that someone ended their own life because they didn't feel loved breaks me up. I can't stand by and let that happen. It's not a joke. It's not something to ridicule. It's not a time to look down on someone. It's a time to lift them up.

It’s estimated that 19 million people live with depression in America, and suicide is the third-leading cause of death among 18-24 years old. It's my goal to make an impact. Even one life would be worth everything in the world to me. How will you help change the world? How will you help change a life?

I am not a specialist. I am not a counselor. But if you are depressed or know someone who is, my email address is mattdgn@hotmail.com. My twitter name is @battmarnes. My facebook page is facebook.com/battmarnes. My aim screen name is famoussas87. Choose your option. Talk to me. I might not be good at giving advice or be able to solve your problem. I'll promise you this, though. I will listen. I will care. And I will do all I can to let you know that I do. I can also relay you to someone who truly can help. And show you some really good music that could cure you of swine flu.

To read more by people who write a lot better than I do, including the story that started it all (I suggest you at least read that)...
http://www.twloha.com/index.php

Optimistic Post. Yay

Dear random assortment of people that read my blog,

I am doing good. I am in a good mood. Here comes that good post I've been talking about. I know things are going to work out. I have that optimistic feeling again. No, things aren't perfect. Yes, I wish they were better. But I'm feeling very positive. I feel like something great is about to happen in my life.

Here is a list of things that are going swimmingly in my life right now. I have friends that care about me, I have a family that loves me, I am becoming more financially stable, I'm very close to being done with school (school is the number one most discouraging thing in my life,) the Saints and Tide are still unbeaten, the weather is nice, I'm in shape, I have somewhat of a gross looking beard growing, my car is running, my motorcycle is running, rent is paid, credit card is paid, and I am learning to appreciate the little things in life and let them overtake the annoying bad things.

Here is a picture I just took of me being happy.

140 characters aren't enough

140 characters aren't enough. I don't think there is a number that is. I feel like I need to write something. There's things I want to say. But at this point, it's useless. That's the tragedy. I've screwed up my life, which 2 weeks ago was the best it's been in a long time, so badly by one stupid outburst that I can't even contend with myself. I hate the person I am right now. This is a new low for me. How do I fix that? I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't function because I am not content with the person I am. I thought I was better. I'm not. I can't live with the person that I've become. But I have to. 2 years ago, I was different. I've changed. I lie to myself and pretend I haven't. But I have. I don't like it.

I've realized that I've spent so much time recently feeling sorry for myself, that I can't let anything happen that makes me happy. I just shut it out. It's like an internal disease that just says hey...you are happy. I am going to screw this up for you. I can't even let myself be happy. I don't know why. I can't find the cure. I can't be happy because I won't allow my mind to feel any kind of good emotions. I hope for tragedy. I hope for sadness. I thrive off of things that go wrong. This isn't who I am. This isn't who I want to be. When did I become like this? Why am I letting this take over my life?

I don't know. I don't have answers. But I hate it. I can't stand it. I want my old self back. I can't live like this.

I need a rewind button in my life. That way, i could go back to all the times in my life that i've been a complete asshole and make things right. I am a pathetic excuse for a human being. I am not worthy of preaching love. I am a hypocrite. i've hurt so many people and gained nothing but pain. I need guidance. I need help. I must learn to sacrifice. I must love myself before i can love others. I have failed once more. Yet again proving that there is nothing about myself that i can trust. I will not give up. My life is not over. Stop crying about everything. Life is not that bad, but i'm going to sleep upset every night. i'm making my own life hell. For what? Pride? well...that's gone now. I still have hope. Nothing will ever take that away. And that is something to believe in. And that is what will get me to sleep.

I ask forgiveness from anyone i've ever hurt. i'm sorry. i'm miserable like this. I hope the happy posts come soon. goodnight

Dear UNA. This is why I hate you.

I thought colleges were supposed to be there for the students. That's what they always say. We're here to make this the best experience possible for you. Oh really? Does a good experience come with paying meaningless parking tickets? How about paying $30 to graduate? Or maybe paying a $40 student health fee, then being forced to pay extra for anything else besides a doctor telling you something you could look up on WebMD? What about almost being kicked out of the University Apartments for dropping below 12 hours? Getting my academic scholarship taken away for barely dropping under a 3.0? Having to pay $5 bucks for a chicken salad made with leftovers? Charging a student activity fee when I don't participate in activities, then charging even more money for the concert that the student activity fee is supposed to pay for? Charging me for a new mane card? Because apparently they are supposed to last four years. $100 dollars for a facilities fee? What is that even for?

The thing that set this off is a parking ticket I got this morning. I've parked here every day for 4 1/2 years. There's no yellow paint and no "no parking" sign. It's in between another parking spot and a curb. My car fits in there just fine. It doesn't stick out. It doesn't bother anyone else. There is no safety threat. I paid for my parking pass. I have class for an hour. That's it. But now I owe the university 20 bucks. Because someone felt like I needed a ticket. I don't have $20 dollars to throw away. It's going to hurt me a lot more than it helps UNA. I could understand if I was in a spot that threatened the safety of others. Or a spot with yellow paint. Or a no parking sign. Or if I didn't have a parking pass and was taking the stop of someone who did. I was at an elementary school across the street. In a legit looking spot. Why are you even over there?

The truth is, UNA is not here for the students. UNA is here for our money. The higher ups are here to profit. Period. They could care less about me. They could care less about you. They are extortionists. Using power to gain money. Why do I pay these things? Because I have to. Who is going to listen to/care about my complaints? No one. The goal of public safety is to make the school a safer place. How is giving me a $20 parking ticket for no reason making us safe? I'm not feeling it. Where am I supposed to park? Why don't you use the money you're extorting to build more parking? Oh right...you guys need segways. Those are crucial. And brand new cop cars every few years. Because of all the high speed chases you'll be involved in.

In conclusion to my angry rant: when I get rich, UNA will not be getting any donations from me. I will pay money for things that need to be paid for. I will pay tuition. I'll pay the gym fee. I'll pay for a parking pass. But I'm sick of paying for crap. I'm sick of being extorted. I'm sick of my money being spent on dumb stuff. And I'm sick of UNA. Hurry up spring.

Pity Party

Here goes. This might not make sense. Typing my thoughts. Expect hypocrisy and contradiction. Because that is what goes on inside of my head.

Things I just realized. I don't trust myself. I have little faith in myself. I have to get verification for everything I do. I doubt everything I do. It's my nature to be pessimistic and expect failure. This is good because when something fails, I don't get as upset. This is bad because I normally self-destruct and cause the failure to happen. I am sinking. I feel like I'm wearing a mask every day. When I'm myself, people ask what's wrong with me. That's not a good sign of the person I really am. In a previous post I said I was content because I was happy with who I was. I don't really know if that's true. I would like to think so. But I'm a pessimist. I need to change the name of this blog to "Watch a pessimist complain and try to make life enjoyable". The truth is, I'm very happy with my life in the long term. I'm happy with where I am and what I'm doing. What I'm not happy about is the fact that I've seen too much. I've been through too much. And I apply everything I've seen happen to other people to my own life. Then try and live, scared that it will happen to me. Doubting myself. I am not other people. I am myself. I am not a failure. My life is amazing. Why am I tricking myself into believing it's not? I have good friends. I have good family. I have a life. I don't trust myself. I've come this far. What is there to doubt? The times that I screwed up. In the past. Let it go. I really need a happy, educational, and hopeful post. If anyone reads this, they are probably tired of this crap. It's kind of fun though. Writing down everything I think of. Good thing I type 75 words per minute. Even though my mind goes about 3,738,269. I made that up. It's just a ballpark estimate. If you are still reading this. I commend you. You must either care about me, or just be incredibly bored. Whichever it might be, I thank you. At some point throughout this day, you thought about me. Even if it was just now. It's hard to go to sleep knowing you don't have life figured out. But no one does. How do they sleep? Am I the only one that thinks about this stuff constantly? Why do I think so much? Why do I ask so many questions? Why can't I just let things run their course, sit back, and relax? Because that's not who I am. I will continue to ask questions. And I will eventually find answers.

Unrelated...someone buy this for me. I want it.
http://tinyurl.com/ygrjv4z

Well it's bedtime and i realized i started slacking in posts again. Therefore i've decided to waste your time in order to stay true to myself when i said i would post more. Let the rambling begin.

let's see, what happened today...oh, someone had about 40 items in the 20 or less at walmart. I kept my cool though. Work was slow. I cut my hair. It didn't turn out to be a disaster. I haven't read anything in a few days. that's not good. I feel like i'm losing knowledge. I can't drop knowledge on people without wisdom. The only thing i'm motivated to read in the bible is ecclesiastes. Other than that i'm in a lazy slump. Just don't really feel like doing much. it's not good. Paid rent today. A day late (anberlin reference not intended). Listening to A Fine Frenzy right now. Her voice is beautiful. It just makes everything peaceful. I bet she never gets angry at anything. She has that kind of voice that says hey...it's going to be ok. Let me soothe you. I would like to marry her. Someone make that happen for me.

Ok. that's all i got. First person to hook me up with the A Fine Frenzy girl wins first prize. I should probably get her name first

Funny video of the day

This makes them look so awful...hahahaha

Today is a sad day for music

I almost cried today. My morning twitter check revealed the following information from @copelandband.


-------------------------------------------

Dear friends,

We have come to an extremely difficult decision. It has come time for us to move on from Copeland and follow other paths in our lives. We are absolutely grateful to have been able to make music for as long as we have. In the last 9 years we've been able to see parts of the world that we never dreamt we would see. We have shared the stage and built friendships with immensely talented artists. We've been afforded the opportunity to make 4 records that we're extremely proud of. Most of all, we feel honored that people have cared so much for our band and for our art. We appreciate every listener who has allowed our music to be a part of their lives. We want to offer our deepest thanks to every individual who has supported us on this ride. It has profoundly impacted our lives.

To put your minds at ease, we assure you this is not a bitter break up. We all individually feel Copeland has run its course in our lives and it’s time for us to pursue what is next. We couldn’t end things without a proper goodbye, so we are planning a final farewell tour in the US this coming Spring, as well as one final jaunt around the world to some of our favorite countries. We are really excited about seeing you all one more time, and we hope it turns out to be the best Copeland tour ever.

It has been discussed and we are not ruling out the possibility of recording one more album sometime in the future. However, this spring tour will be our last.

From the bottom of hearts, thank you for all of your love and support.

Aaron, Bryan, Jon & Stephen

-------------------------------------------

It is a sad day indeed. Copeland has given me so much inspiration over the years. From the days of Beneath Medicine Tree, where I was made fun of for listening to music that was "too emo". Then to In Motion where everyone realized that Aaron Marsh's vocal abilities were more than incredible. Next we had Eat, Sleep, Repeat. This album, like all my other favorite albums, was my least favorite at first. Because it was different. But now it ranks in my top 10 all time. Even the B-side that came next, Dressed Up and In Line was amazing. How does a band make a B-sides album that is better than full length productions of most other bands? They did more than justice to The Police cover, and Thanks To You is one of my favorite songs. Finally, when I thought nothing better could come, I was surprised again by You Are My Sunshine. The lyrics to Chin Up are so good. There is a very high level of grace and passion in Aaron's voice. It cannot be matched by anyone.

So even though they are ending, and giving us time in advance to take it in, I am still somewhat distraught. I know that every band must break up sooner or later. And 9 years is a long time. I just hope that each member continues to follow their hearts with music. I hope they realize the true gifts they have and the inspirations that they are. I have no doubt that they will, and they do.

Even though I never met any of the members, I fell like I have. There's only 3 bands out there where I feel like I connect with every word. Copeland is one of them. I pray that they come near me so I can see them one last time. And I pray that they make one last album for me to add to my soundtrack of life.

In conclusion, I would like to thank each member. Even though the chances are slim anyone will read this. Thank you for being there when times were great. Thank you especially for being there when times were not so great. I cannot count how many rough patches of my life have been won over by your music. Thank you for inspiration. Thank you for giving me hope. Thank you for giving me peace. Thank you for beautiful music. And thank you for changing my life. Even though you won't be around much longer, you will always be a constant soundtrack in my life. Thanks for everything. Follow your heart. Follow your passions. Keep making music in some way shape or form. God has given you a gift that very few people have. God bless.

Twitter/Facebook overstock

I had all these great things to post. Dumb stuff really. Nothing of value. Problem is, I ran out of mediums. So now I'm here. Let's see what comes to mind when I start typing (Warning - might be a complete waste of your time). Remember that song Peaches? By The Presidents of the United States of America? That song ruled. I had the cassette tape. On the B-Side was Candy Cigarette. Who remembers tapes? It wasn't until CDs came out that we realized how annoying it was to have to rewind and fast forward. In today's music, I would not have lasted. Hardly will I find an album that doesn't have a few skip songs. Unless it's Anberlin, Kindo, Motion City, The Format, or Copeland. What about mix tapes? Remember those? I used to listen to Rick Dee's weekly top 40 on WZYP every friday night. I made mixes of songs that included but were not limited to: Barenaked Ladies - One Week, The Offspring - Americana, Fastball - The Way, Radiohead - Karma Police, Blink-182 - What's My Age Again, Blessid Union of Souls - Hey Leonardo, and U2 - Sweetest thing. Funny how I still have all those songs on my iPod. And I still listen to them. This was also a time where MTV had something to do with music. Why not change the name? I'll come up with something more fitting...FPAUTV. Fortunate People Acting Unfortunate TV. My blog earlier about how annoying Jon and Kate are proved my point that people watch this and care more than seeing a music video. I miss the 90's. Not really though because now we have cell phones, Twitter, Pro Tools 8, Futurama, and video games that don't look like screen shots of paper. One thing I do miss is gas. I wasn't driving then. But I remember it being 79 cents a gallon. I would have been able to drive to Tuscaloosa and back for 8 dollars. Speaking of...why does my 17 year old car get better gas mileage than anything other than hybrids out today? Shouldn't they have fixed that by now. I mean, come on...it's been 17 years. Either the oil companies are paying big bucks behind the scenes, or the auto industry has just failed.

Anyway. That's my random rant. Sorry for wasting your time. Hey, let's try comments. If you grew up in the 90's (and I don't mean you were 8 in 1999) post your favorite/least favorite thing about it. Then tell me how that makes you feel. After I asses your comment, I expect a 2 page, double spaced, 12 point Times New Roman paper explaining why that made an impact on your life. 5 sources min. One has to be a book.

So Blogspot is freaking out right now. I wrote some stuff, but it's splitting into seperate messages. can't get in from my phone onto here. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow

What I did today

Tracked drums. Wooo! I'm helping my friend Ben out with a project. Today, I recorded drums for a song. I decided to let everyone else in on the fun. Here are some pictures. I took them with my phone. And yes...I am wearing only underwear. Wanna fight about it?

Hello readers. it's time for another text update. This really doesn't have a point. i'm just trying to update more often to make myself feel important. i'm laying in bed. Iron and Wine is slowly dripping away all consciousness. I am currently in recovery mode. i'm trying to get my life back on track financially, mentally, and physically. It seems like it's been a long time since i've been able to breathe. Just sigh and know that everything is going to work out. i'm going to make rent. i'm going to get this paper done. i'm going to get my car fixed. I will get my hard drive data back. Does it ever stop though? i'm handling it, mind you. i'm not complaining. i'm just wondering...will it ever just stop? Even if only for a day. Maybe i'll renegotiate when i turn 68. But for now, i can't take the speed. Anyone catch the reference? 10 points if you did. If not, listen to the playlist on the right. it's in there. Anyway (there's no S at the end. Its not a word. Stop doing that, society) it's about time to go unconscious. The only time in my life when this train does stop. If you still don't get the theme...i'm not colorblind.

My new excuse for excessive tweeting and blogging is to get in some daily thumb exercises. QWERTY keypads get the job done.

Also, tomorrow is Tuesday and we all know what that means! Actually you probably don't. And neither do I. Stay tuned for when I find out. And by find out, I mean think of something

i was thinking the other day that i wish there was a way to post things more often. sometimes i feel like saying more than 140 characters while i am not at a computer. come to find out, Blogspot lets you use your phone. What does this mean? I'll probably update a lot more. Also, there will probably be a lot of dumb and useless posts. because that's how I roll. and since sometimes I'm too lazy to hit the shift button, which is an entire half centimeter away from the a key, things won't always be capitalized. oh...and i don't know how to put a subject. Oh well.

maybe soon, there will be a way to bypass phones and computers and go directly from brain to screen. that would be dangerous. i think a lot

The Pursuit of Honestyness

I had somewhat of a revelation this weekend. And the revelation I had deals with dignity, honesty, and self love. The revelation was set off by one event, but the problems within myself date back to high school. It was kind of like a time bomb, that was hidden under years of dust and lies. This one gets a bit personal. I won't use names. Also, since some parts might sound a bit egotistical, I'll end this paragraph with a quote that I just made up. "I am awesome."

To preface my story, I will tell you why I fail at every relationship that I have ever attempted. It started with my first girlfriend, and pretty much my only real girlfriend. We started dating in high school, where the only drama that exists gets started for the fun of it. We generally stayed away from that and rarely fought or disagreed. When college started, the fighting got worse, and disagreements came all too often. No matter what happened or who was at fault, every one of them ended the same way. I apologized. Even if it wasn't my fault at the beginning, somewhere along the lines, I did something "wrong". This is a good place to intervene with myself and state that this entire blog post is not about who was wrong or who was right in any situation. It's about the aftermaths and how I reacted. Moving on. I was so content on keeping that relationship going, that I didn't care if it was my fault or hers. I just apologized. I specifically remember standing in my room, in a fight, 5 years ago, and the thought going through my mind while I'm getting screamed at is, "None of this is my fault. But if I pretend like it is and apologize anyway, she won't be mad anymore." Eventually, I couldn't handle it anymore. I got fed up with taking the blame for everything, and when I stopped...arguments never got settled. Things didn't work out.

I would like to think I learned from that. I did not. I started every relationship afterward doing the same thing. I'll admit I'm wrong and apologize. What I didn't realize at the time was the fact that I was lying to myself. It was almost like I was forcing myself to believe I was wrong just to keep a relationship going. This could be a good thing at times. With some people, you just have to back down. But when it comes to a relationship that I want to keep going, it has spiraled me downhill. Fast. In my most recent, which I will cover in the paragraph below, I decided I couldn't do it again. I had to stand up for what I believed in before I became attached in an attempt to prevent an incredibly messy ending a year down the road.

Sparing details...that happened again this weekend. But this time was different. The fuse was lit, and the bomb went off. It's just very unfortunate that the person who lit it, was someone that I really enjoy being with. I've been lying to myself for seven years. I just can't do it anymore. I have to be real. I have to know that I didn't do anything wrong. And I have to know that I am not to blame for anything. A long lost friend told me that I didn't have to deal with it. As simple as it sounds, and as many times as I've heard people say that, the effect was completely different. Instead of focusing on one person and saying "I don't have to deal with her," I heard it as, "I don't have to deal with these situations." Also, the phrase, "You're better than this," also came into play. It always seemed inevitable to me. Like I didn't have a choice. If I wanted friends, I had to sacrifice. But right then...on the steps outside of Tut's (I think I'll claim to be the only one to have a real life changing moment on the strip in Tuscaloosa at 3AM)...the revelation came. A relationship is all about sacrifice. Anyone who has been in one knows that. If I don't like a movie, I'll watch it with her if she wants to. If she wants to go to a ballet, I'll go with her. If she wants me to stay home with her instead of hang out with friends for a night, I could even do that. What I realized that I cannot continue to do, is sacrifice my beliefs. I cannot spend the rest of my life with someone, no matter how great they might be, and go to sleep at night knowing that I am lying to myself. And also...I AM better than that. I like to think of myself as a caring person. I can name 30 people that I would gladly take a bullet for. Right now. I think of other people before me in almost any situation. But sometimes, I feel like I'm being seen as a bad guy that doesn't care and mistreats people. If I was doing something along those lines, I would feel awful about it, and apologize. For seven years, even if I had no blame, I felt awful and apologized. Just because I thought that was the only way to make something work. I made myself believe that I wronged someone else. It finally got so ridiculous, that I snapped. I'm done being the bad guy when I deserve better.

So right now. At this point. I don't care anymore. If a relationship fails, it fails. But in the end, I have my dignity. I have to learn to love myself before I can love others. If I'm with someone that can't grasp what I'm saying, it's not worth it. If someone comes along that does, it will be that much better. A relationship is all about trust. If I'm lying to myself, how can I trust what I'm doing is right? How can I trust anything she's doing? One of the most important things to me is honesty. Without that, there is no relationship. Anyone who knows me on a personal level knows that I try as hard as I can not to lie. If you want an answer, I'll give it to you. I don't cut corners. I don't try and get around a point. If you did something to offend me, I will tell you. If I did something that offends you, I'll tell you and take responsibility. I don't like miscommunication. What, spell check? Not a word? I'm pretty sure it is. Continuing...miscommunication and ignorance come from dishonesty. If the truth isn't out there, opinions form into our own self made truths. I can't sit back and let an opinion become actuality because I'm to scared to put a relationship on the line. That's what I did. I stood up for myself. If she never talks to me again, it might suck for a while. But knowing that I did the right thing for myself cancels all of that out. I don't know how. It just does. For the record, I'm hoping she does talk to me. I'm hoping she realizes where I'm coming from. But whether she decides to accept it or not, I have no control. I'm not looking to lose a friend, or make someone feel like a horrible person. I'm looking for understanding.

I will end with a list of things I learned this weekend.

-I am truly happy when I don't sacrifice my beliefs in order to artificially create happiness
-I love the person I turned out to be so far
-I need to get my own life straight before I share it with others
-City Cafe is cheap. But they get you with the drink
-Being happy with myself has given me hope
-I have a lot more to learn about myself
-I find peace when I stop hating myself
-Real friends tell you the truth, painful or pleasant
-Artificial friends tell you either what you want to hear, or what they want you to believe
-Terrance Cody is a beast
-That void that I constantly have...the hole in my life...that one thing keeping me from peace...can be filled by the way I react to what the world brings to the table. It can be filled by being reminded that I can choose to be happy or not. I can decide if I want to let something bring me down or not. And most importantly...it can be filled by knowing that I am being true to myself

Asthenia

The word asthenia is a word that describes a loss of strength or will. It's also a Blink-182 song. And probably my favorite lyrically. I was listening to the song and thinking about it. Putting myself in the situation. Wondering what I would do.

Basically, the song is about a man up in space, in a vessel the size of a car. Everything is peaceful. No problems. No war. No drama. Just a man by himself, with the brilliance of space to look at. The conflict arises when the man contemplates returning to earth, which is such a negative place compared to the solitude and serenity of space.

I thought about how I would feel if I were in that situation. I'm here on earth now, amidst all these problems. War, starvation, slavery, reality tv shows, disease, poverty, and drama that was supposed to end in high school. Not that there aren't wonderful things about the world I live in. Most of the time, I'm content with where I am and where my life is going. But not a day goes by that I can ignore what's going on around me. As much as I try to stay away, it catches up to me. Every once in a while, I find myself in a state of infidelity, where I lose all faith. There are too many negatives to find anything positive sometimes.

What if there was an escape? What if I was that guy in space? Would I come back? Tom wrote, "This room is bored of rehearsal, I'm sick of the boundaries, I miss you so much." Briefly stated, it would be really boring. I would miss a lot of people. No matter how beautiful the universe was, would it be enough to hold me over until I die? I would be completely free of all of the burdens this world casts on me. I could wake up every day and not have to worry about anything. Anything. The economy is bad. I don't care. I'm in space. Actually, I wouldn't even know the economy was bad. I would be ignorant to everything happening. Oh, Jan and Dean are in a fight because he looked at her weird? Yea...I'm in space. My concern is focused on other things. In Ecclesiastes, Solomon wrote, "For in much wisdom is much grief, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow." If you don't know about something, you can't grieve. I would be at peace from everything.

The greater question that I asked myself went a little bit like this. "Hey Matt...do the very few times in your life in which you are happy outweigh all of the misfortunes?" I answered myself with, "Yes. Yes they do." I will elaborate on this even more with my soon to be posted entry about the book of Ecclesiastes. But I think my main problem is that the bad outweighs the good because I let it. Sure, there might be more of the bad. There might not be much good at times. But it's all relative. It's all what you make of it. You could end every single night in sadness because of something that you couldn't let go. This one thing that just ruined your day. But what does that accomplish? What does grieving over something irrelevant give back to you? Not much. Maybe a feeling of contentment. But not happiness. On the other hand, what does grabbing on to that one good thing accomplish? That will give you happiness. You can use that as hope, and use that to get you through the negative. The human mind is a powerful thing. Use it to your advantage, or be taken over.

Who knew I would get deep with Blink-182 lyrics?

Too tired to update

I started an update. I got tired. Like anyone is going to read it at 230 in the morning anyway. I saved it in notepad so I wouldn't forget it. Check back tomorrow. Or whenever I remember. I am still alive. Just letting you know. This was kind of pointless. Sorry for wasting your time.

Reality television has hit a new low. A lower low.

I tried in 140 characters. It didn't work out very well. This blog will be in real time. I opened up Yahoo news and the headline was something about Jon and Kate. I never watched the show. Never asked about the show. But it was getting annoying seeing them all over every site. What I've gathered from the things I've seen unintentionally is: They were married, now they are not, and just recently Jon stood up to Kate. About what, I do not know. It sounds to me like a marriage problem. Not sure why that grabs the attention of millions of people. So now...I am going to go find out what makes them attractive. Stay tuned.

Ok. Wikipedia tells me the show was about a couple with 8 kids. Jon was caught cheating, and they got a divorce. That's it? They weren't celebrities or anything? I know people with more than 8 kids now. They don't have the world following their every move. This show sounds like a glorified episode of Cheaters mixed and a long background.

Have we, as a society, become so numb to life that we actually care about two people that are making no difference in the world, offering no real entertainment, and having marriage problems? 42% of marriages end in divorce. This is nothing new. And for some reason I have sympathy for the two. Not because of their problems, but because they are being glorified on television and the internet for every move they make. I have even more sympathy for the 9.8 viewers, plus all of the people that caught up online later. I'll be the first to admit that the programs that I watch aren't always the most educational. But they're at least truly entertaining. Most of them fictional (with the exception of the ones that are actually educational) but no reality. I mean come on...this isn't even a good idea. Big brother has an idea that can be entertaining to some. Trading Spouses is a unique idea. Who pitched this? The conversation in that meeting had to be close to the following:

"Hey I got an idea...let's invade the lives this normal couple with 8 kids, build up sympathy of a hard life, then wait until we drive them clinically insane and they do something entertaining."

Sounds about right to me. I have a new pitch for a reality show of equal attraction that I've been working on in my spare time. It's called "The not so entertaining life of Matt Barnes". Here's a time line of one of the episodes. I wake up. Go to the bathroom. Drive to class. Read paper instead of taking notes. Drive home. Eat on the recliner while watching TV. Spill some spaghetti on my shirt. Change shirts. Shoot some golf balls in the backyard. Drive around for 8 hours at work. Come home. Go to sleep. Oh, and I'll be tweeting throughout the day. Who would watch that? Brainwashed consumers who also watched Jon and Kate.

It's just ridiculous to me. Probably because I haven't been watching it and getting sucked into crap that doesn't matter at all. Do they actually have box sets of these? There's 5 seasons! Really??? I am going to move to the mountains like Mark Wahlberg did on shooter. The entertainment world is selling out. It won't be long until The Truman Show becomes reality because all other incredibly dumb ideas have already been used.



Feel free to post hate comments about why you love Jon and Kate so much. Also how I'm an unsympathetic jerk with no feelings. Just include the part about how you befitted from caring about them. I would like to read them.

The past few weeks

My life at the moment.

In case your wondering, all current dgn projects are on hold along with everything else I've been working on. If you're wondering why, it's because my hard drive crashed. Over 200 gigs of every song I've EVER recorded (over 100) along with all of my iTunes songs (over 6000) and all of my drum triggers, plugin presets, and a lot more than I can even think about is now gone. I sent it off to a place who said it would be $1400 to recover it. Another place says $500, so I am sending it there tomorrow to see what's up. $500 is a lot better than $1400 but it's still not pocket change. Also, the clutch finally went out on my car. There's another 300. Plus putting it in won't be the best time of my life. Ironically, I can't work without my car and I can't get money without working. Driving a motorcycle in the rain is very cold and very uncomfortable.

Amidst all of this, I'm not sweating much. I'm more composed than other times that haven't been so bad. I thought it would be one of those things that just wrecked me and made me hate life, but it didn't. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I still have hope that one day, money won't be a problem. I mean come on...If Stephenie Meyer could make millions by basically writing a bad movie script into a book, I could get somewhere. I've been making fun of her a lot recently. It's not her fault though. It's the people who eat it up and, unlike me, can get past the fact that her writing style seems more like a Beverly Cleary book than anything someone in high school or college would read. I like going off on tangents. She has nothing at all to do with what I started here. It's just fun to wonder out loud about some things. And to you, Twilight fan who could possibly be reading this...you must be angry and wanting to comment on my own writing style and how it's not good either. Go for it. I'm writing a blog. She wrote a book.

I've been wanting to post something for a while, but could never think of anything postworthy. No, that isn't a word and yes I made that word up. This still isn't very entertaining and for that I apologize. Maybe this will kick start some more updates. In the meantime, I will keep looking forward and hope that I don't go broke. Here are some entertaining sentence fragments about my life at the moment.

Lots of free time. Sometimes not as much. Think a lot to myself. Bored mostly. Picked up golf again. Drove a plastic ball 45 yards. What you got? Just leaving out the nouns. Boring sentence fragments. Taking a lot of showers now. More than usual. Washing clothes a lot more too. Not as lazy as I used to be. Recording a cover song. Your Love by The Outfield. Can't sleep anymore. Just lay in bed for hours. Hair straightening no longer needed. Trying a few with no verb. I'm about ready to bed. I should my teeth and some water. First, I have to my room. I can't in a dirty room. Doesn't make any sense. Still reading? You must be as bored and insomnious as me. Spell check says that is not a word, but I think it is. I'm going to look that up, hang on a second......it is! I win spell check. These have been complete sentences. Thank you for reading my pointless ramblings and I hope that you soon forget, lest you become dumb.

The great 2009 haircut challenge

I'm contemplating cutting my hair pretty short compared to where it is now. I've decided to let social networks decide it's fate. Choose below.




Voting is closed. Yes had a staggering victory. Most of my hair is now gone. Thanks for voting and for some reason caring what I do with my hair. Pictures might come soon.

Alright. I'm doing it. Writing a book.

I realized recently that I haven't been reading much. I feel like I'm not on top of my game. Therefore I decided that I'm finally going to write a book. Not kidding this time. I'll probably never even send it to a publishing company. That's not why I'm doing it. It's more for me and whoever also might be interested. So like 3 other people. Maybe. The point is, I need something to push me to read more. The idea is a documentation of my research on the bible and questions that have separated Christianity into countless denominations. There's probably been numerous books written on the subject, but this one is different. It's my take on things. So...in order to write this, I'm going to have to read. A lot. I'm going to read several books about this subject, hear what other people have to say, then read the bible myself and gather my own conclusions. For starters, I'm going to read all the way through "The Great Controversy" by Ellen G. White in which the first half explores the fight between Roman Catholicism and Protestantism. I will most likely need a nudge every now and then to get this done. Below is a rough draft of a part of the preface to give you more of an idea of what I'm doing.




There are so many questions today about religion, especially Christianity. So much that I don’t even know what to believe anymore. This preacher says that, another one says this, while my friends and family say otherwise. All this piles on to an already epic struggle that is hard to fight without all of the chaos. I’ve read countless books and talked to an even larger amount of people in search of truth, but I still don’t feel like I’m always going in the right direction. There are questions that have separated this religion into an unknown amount of denominations such as “Can I eat pork?” “Is respecting the Sabbath on Sunday wrong?” “Should I still follow all of the Old Testament laws?” “If not, which ones are still supposed to be kept?” All of these denominations are based on scripture, which one is right? I do not know the bible well enough to answer these. I’ve always based a lot of what I believe from books, preachers, and what I hear, which all came from another person. The purpose of this book is to track my research of the scriptures and once and for all find an answer that puts peace in my heart. Not because someone else told me, but because I heard it from God myself. One thing that also plagues me is the fact that so many people out there claim to be close to God, yet seem to be doing the opposite of what the bible says. For example: an evangelist that goes to colleges and condemns anyone that comes near without even having the slightest hint of who that the person is. I’ve heard evangelists call women whores for showing their legs and even just being in college. I’ve always been taught that there is a loving God full of grace. Where is the grace in that? Aren’t we supposed to strive to be like Him? Getting back to the point, can someone that acts like this truly have a relationship with God?
The point of this is not to condemn anyone. I am starting to write with a completely open mind and open heart. I’ll start here by saying that no one in these examples or any example I use later is “wrong” because they are doing what they believe. I don’t think there really is a strict wrong or right, which is might be the key to all of this, but I think it’s more in depth than that. That’s why I will be researching and reading, seeking answers that I’m looking for straight from the bible and not from another party.
The irony, however, is that if anyone chooses to read this, they too will be getting answers from something other than the bible however my final points on everything will be coming straight from the bible and not another source. It will be what I've interpreted and therefore not necessarily truth. I hope that instead of taking what I’m writing as is, they look into the bible as well. I believe that having a personal relationship with God is about finding your beliefs on your own. When you meet someone, you don’t get to know them through one of their friends. The information you get won’t always be 100 percent accurate and might be biased depending on how the friend feels about the person you want to get to know. Why should being in a relationship with God be any different? The bible is the only thing we have to find out what God truly wants for our lives, and to find out who he is. While there will always be unanswered questions, I hope that some will be answered for me when I’m through.

The Latest and Greatest...

These guys are awesome. I'm angry that I didn't think of this first. This is the third installment. Also, catch the first two.

Sorry to all...well one at least

Sorry I forgot to post. I knew I would. I forgot this existed. Anyway, I totally forgot what that awesome and inspirational post was going to be. I can tell you this...it was inspired from the book entitled The Jesus I Never Knew by Philip Yancy. So now I'm going to reread the book all over again just to make a small blog post. Because I think it's that important.

Moving on...remember livejournal? And also...Xanga? That was back in the day before social networking took over. And people actually wrote about their thoughts and feelings instead of politics and beliefs. While Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace are still cool, I think it was best when you could get on and see what your friends were up to and feeling at the time. I stumbled upon mine the other day and realized I'm still almost the exact same person I am now. While some...who I won't call out...think that's a bad thing, I love it. I think it's proof that you can be who you are without worrying what other people think. So what if I don't change the way I am to become popular or make new friends? I still have my old friends. I also have new friends that I didn't lie to get. Instead of putting on a show in front of other people, I can just be myself no matter who I'm around. I've gone through 4 years of college without paying for friends or basing the way I act off of who is popular. The thing I love about it is that I'm happy. I love it. I have no regrets.

I've seen a lot of changes in the past 5 years since I updated my livejournal almost daily. I graduated high school, moved away, and am now a year away from graduating college. One thing I'm proud of is that my heart hasn't changed. I've never wanted to be different. I've never wanted to fit in. I just wanted to be the person that I am. In a nutshell, I believe that's the meaning of life. Being an individual. Not being different just for the thrill of it. But being different because we all are. I'm not necessarily bashing frats and things of that nature, or condemning anyone at all. All I'm saying is that I've seen to many people waste their lives away trying to fit in. They might have 382 people they know but no real friends. No one that really cares if they live or die. Only in it for the social experience. I have 5 or 6 good friends that I would happily die for and I believe they would do the same for me. I am perfectly happy with that. Because I know that 24 hours a day and 7 days a week I can call them for help.

That came out of nowhere. I was just going to talk about how cool livejournal was. What I was going to say before that came out is that I'm going to make this blog more of like livejournals were back in the day. Instead of trying to throw out inspiration and my beliefs all the time, I'm sometimes just going to simply state how I feel. What's on my mind. Maybe that can be an inspiration in itself. Or if there's something completely random I feel like sharing, it's going up (see post before this). Going back and reading what was going on in my life 5 years ago was an inspiration to me. It let me know that I don't have to change who I am. I can still be Matt Barnes and make it through life being happy. Maybe 10 years down the road I'll come back and read this and inspire myself again.

Remember time capsules? Let's make one. Who's in? I want to throw in a pair of my jeans so we can laugh at them when JNCOs come back in style. Or even better...if wearing suits and bowler hats came back in style. Bonus: if JNCO jeans along with bowler hats and suspenders came back into style.

Things to do when bored

Summer equals boredom for the most part. So when things get boring, I get on the computer. I got tired of FML and TFLN and found awkwardfamilyphotos.com thanks to Ben Skipworth. Enclosed is an awesome picture I stumbled upon.



I wish that was my family

I am a slacker...

I have epically failed and haven't updated in a while. I'm even to lazy to click on the link and hit open in new tab to see when the last update was. However, I have had some great wisdom enter my brain in the recent month/weeks. I would enjoy sharing it with you, but it is 4:15 AM. I have 4093843 things to do before this coming Tuesday. But by the Monday after next I will have a new post that will hopefully blow your mind. I would promise but...Matthew 5:37. God bless

Official top 10 songs

So in the past 5 days I have driven over 1600 miles, jumped out of a plane, slept on whatever looked comfortable, and been in 4 different states. My week was a little bit exciting to say the least. On the way, I listened to a lot of music and tried to make a top 10 list of favorite songs. I couldn't of course, so I then decided to make a top 10 depending on what mood you are in. Feel free to completely agree with everything you are about to see.

Top 10 Epic Songs
1. Anberlin - Fin
2. Sigur Ros - Saeglopur
3. Underoath - Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escaps
4. Cartel - A
5. Foo Fighters - February Stars
6. Jimmy Eat World - Dizzy
7. Paramore - My Heart
8. Blink-182 - I'm Lost Without You
9. Copeland - California
10. The Classic Crime - Salt In The Snow

I Miss You Songs
1. Copeland - California
2. Yellowcard - Miles Apart
3. Coldplay - Warning Signs
4. The Starting Line - Playing Favorites
5. The Starting Line - Lasting Impression
6. New Found Glory - On My Mind
7. Dashboard Confessional - Living In Your Letters
8. Fall Out Boy - Homesick At Spacecamp
9. Finch - Letters To You
10. Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On (hahahaha sorry...I had to)

Breakup Songs
1. Anberlin - The Symphony Of Blase
2. (+44) - No It Isn't
3. Brand New - Seventy Times 7
4. Anberlin - Breaking
5. Acceptance - Over You
6. Michelle Branch - Goodbye To You
7. Dashboard Confessional - The Best Deceptions
8. The Postal Service - Nothing Better
9. Fall Out Boy - Chicago Is So Two Years Ago
10.Blink-182 - Time To Break Up

Best Songs To Sleep To
1. Sigur Ros - Staralfur
2. Copeland - I'm Safer On An Airplane
3. The Format - On Your Porch
4. Yellowcard - One Year, Six Months
5. Anberlin - A Day Late (Acoustic)
6. Mae - Sun (Acoustic)
7. Mae - We're So Far Away
8. Brand New - Play Crack The Sky
9. Cartel - Save Us
10. The Spill Canvas - The Dutch Courage

Oh and almost anything Explosions In The Sky does and most of The Album Leaf


I might return more with later, but now I should probably go to sleep. It's been a long week. But I just thought I would document how amazing my music rating system is. Enjoy